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About 5 years ago, I would have blamed the texting method of communication, because I didn't text anyone, and I thought it was just something kids do. But now that I've come to appreciate texting, and how it can be much more concise and direct than an aimless phone conversation (like a lot of people seem to enjoy), I've become a fan of texting. I can have a very brief text to confirm information and avoid a whole annoying phone conversation; I love that. The only thing lost in texting is emotion, and if emotion must be involved in a conversation, I'm not going to have it via text.
But, the communication problem here was not due to texting, but due to the two people doing the texting (and I agree with the 75%/25% responsibility thing).
If someone texts me and says "can we meet at 6:30?" to me, the acceptable responses to that are "yes, ..." or "No,..." you can follow up the yes or no with whatever explanation you want, but the yes or the no are required. It should have been "Yes, but I'm still in Louisville so I might be 5 min late" or "No, I'm still in Louisville, let's reschedule." The response "still in Louisville" does not answer my question.
So the person texting "still in Louisville" was the first poor communicator. It's like saying "do you want to eat chicken or steak?" and a person answers "I like shoes." Well, yeah, that's nice and all, but it doesn't answer my very direct question.
Then the first person also made a communication error, by responding "Okay." That "okay" indicates that you understood the vague "still in Louisville" response as a firm, clear answer to your question. But it was no such thing. "Okay" could be read as "Okay, I'll go alone", "okay, I'll check back in a little bit to see if you're done," "okay, you're a b*tch and I never want to see you again," or "okay, I assume we are still going, so I'm now waiting, holding my breath for you to set a time." So the Louisville person is walking around thinking "she totally understood that I won't be meeting her, because she said okay." And you're walking around thinking "she'll be done shopping in Louisville any minute and then we're gonna meet." So again, the problem is not texting, it's WHAT you text.
The convenience of texting is no excuse for being vague and unclear.
Exactly this. OP and her friend had previously made plans to meet up. That was definitive. Friend said yes. Then OP asks if a specific time is okay, and friend says, "Still in Louisville." That's the first problem. "Still in Louisville" doesn't remotely answer "can we meet at 6:30?"... "Still in Louisville", as in, still here in Louisville but yes I will make it on time? Or as in, I'm leaving soon and will be there with you ASAP, or as in, no I can't come at all anymore? You don't know. Vague and, frankly, stupid answer. Friend is an expert at not answering questions then playing the victim and placing the blame on someone else, apparently.
Problem number two is OP simply saying "okay." OP, this is all hindsight now of course, but rather than say "okay" you should have asked something like, "so does that mean you can't come anymore?" or "does that mean you will be late but can still come?" or "you know what, it's okay I will just go alone no worries" or something for some more clarification. I'm kind of like you, I probably would have simply said "okay" then waited some time before texting again to ask for an update, but I wouldn't have not texted her again at all and waited for her to text me, and I also probably would have just gone alone at that point.
But I think your friend was definitely in the wrong. She's a pretty poor communicator and seems kind of self-centered. Had you not said "okay" I would think she was totally in the wrong, but your failure to ask for clarification also was an issue in this scenario. However, I do think she was mostly at fault and had no right to accuse YOU of being a poor communicator.
On a whim, I decided on Saturday morning to reach out to a friend for a very casual meet-up. I was going to go to this place alone, but thought it would be nice to have my friend along with me to catch up. She said she'd like to go.
We both had errands to run that morning, and decided to connect that afternoon to nail down a time to meet up. As we discussed, I reached out to her in the afternoon, via text. The texts went exactly like this:
ME: Hey, how about 6:30?
FRIEND: Still in Louisville.
ME: Okay
I knew that she'd be running errands in Louisville (about 15 minutes away), so I thought that I caught her while she was still in the throws of errand running, and that she'd reach out whenever she could...I went about my day.
My friend didn't reach back out until late that night (too late for us to meet up), saying that she'd gotten caught up doing other things (none of which were an emergency, and NONE of which would have prevented taking 15 seconds to text that she would not be able to meet after all).
I told her that I thought it would have been nice for her to let me know her plans had changed...that I would have gone on by myself if I knew she wasn't able to make it after all. She responded "Well, I thought my text to you would have given you a clue that I wasn't coming".......HUH??? How does her verbatim text up above indicate that she was cancelling plans?
She then said "YOU should have followed up with ME, if you didn't know if I was coming or not." AGAIN....HUH?? Shouldn't the person that changes the plans, be the one to communicate that PLANS HAVE CHANGED?
After that I was super frustrated and basically told her that I didn't have time for 'CLUES' and 21 follow-up questions. She then told me that MY COMMUNICATION in this scenario sucked...and that if I wasn't sure where the plans stood, I should have reached out to her instead of waiting around.
I didn't really care that our plans got cancelled, again - it was totally casual and nothing major, but her nonchalant, dismissive attitude really has rubbed me the wrong way.
Anyway, would like your thoughts, as sometimes outsiders can judge a situation better than the "insiders". Was I in the wrong? Was she in the wrong? Did we both poorly communicate? Genuinely interested in your thoughts on this one.
THANKS!
Neither of you communicated anything in your text. Poorly communicated? Understatement.
it's not worth parsing the texts and figuring out who did which part of poor communicating. I recently had plans with a friend gone a bit sideways due to ambiguity about a few texts, but we got over it and still met and she went out of her way to pick me up in her car. That is what friends do.
Her reaction to you after the whole thing was completely uncalled for and yes very self-centered. She is no friend of yours that much is clear.
On a whim, I decided on Saturday morning to reach out to a friend for a very casual meet-up. I was going to go to this place alone, but thought it would be nice to have my friend along with me to catch up. She said she'd like to go.
We both had errands to run that morning, and decided to connect that afternoon to nail down a time to meet up. As we discussed, I reached out to her in the afternoon, via text. The texts went exactly like this:
ME: Hey, how about 6:30?
FRIEND: Still in Louisville.
ME: Okay
I knew that she'd be running errands in Louisville (about 15 minutes away), so I thought that I caught her while she was still in the throws of errand running, and that she'd reach out whenever she could...I went about my day.
My friend didn't reach back out until late that night (too late for us to meet up), saying that she'd gotten caught up doing other things (none of which were an emergency, and NONE of which would have prevented taking 15 seconds to text that she would not be able to meet after all).
I told her that I thought it would have been nice for her to let me know her plans had changed...that I would have gone on by myself if I knew she wasn't able to make it after all. She responded "Well, I thought my text to you would have given you a clue that I wasn't coming".......HUH??? How does her verbatim text up above indicate that she was cancelling plans?
She then said "YOU should have followed up with ME, if you didn't know if I was coming or not." AGAIN....HUH?? Shouldn't the person that changes the plans, be the one to communicate that PLANS HAVE CHANGED?
After that I was super frustrated and basically told her that I didn't have time for 'CLUES' and 21 follow-up questions. She then told me that MY COMMUNICATION in this scenario sucked...and that if I wasn't sure where the plans stood, I should have reached out to her instead of waiting around.
I didn't really care that our plans got cancelled, again - it was totally casual and nothing major, but her nonchalant, dismissive attitude really has rubbed me the wrong way.
Anyway, would like your thoughts, as sometimes outsiders can judge a situation better than the "insiders". Was I in the wrong? Was she in the wrong? Did we both poorly communicate? Genuinely interested in your thoughts on this one.
THANKS!
It's called...wait for it.....calling and actually talking.
Texting is fine for things like after you have discussed plans and have them set, and someone texts and says "running late, will be there at 7pm", and you text back "OK".
In the scenario you gave had you talked you also would have picked up some hesitation in her voice, the voice is very telling. You can tell if someone really isn't to the plans you suggested.
Yes, she was rude, and I blame texting. People have become less involved in direct communication. Had you talked to her on the phone this most likely wouldn't have happened.
I had a friend send me 3 texts about getting together, said they were off work soon(whatever that means), than another text not very clear, so I called them and they answered their phone(imagine that !), in less than 30 seconds we had the time and place set....very easy.
She's not your friend. She may never have intended to follow through and meet you; she may have said she'd like to go just to be polite, without sincerely being interested. And she was very rude in those after-the-fact texts. Cross her off your friend list.
Problem number two is OP simply saying "okay." OP, this is all hindsight now of course, but rather than say "okay" you should have asked something like, "so does that mean you can't come anymore?" or "does that mean you will be late but can still come?" or "you know what, it's okay I will just go alone no worries" or something for some more clarification. I'm kind of like you, I probably would have simply said "okay" then waited some time before texting again to ask for an update, but I wouldn't have not texted her again at all and waited for her to text me, and I also probably would have just gone alone at that point.
Yes, OP should have replied to "Still in Louisville", "That doesn't answer my question. Will 6:30 work for you?"
Of course, at the time, the OP trusted that her friend was interested, so she gave her every benefit of the doubt. Live and learn.
She wasn't into it. You were sort of dragging her through it from the get-go. Are you sure she's really your friend? You reached out. Then you suggested a time. She said she wasn't around, didn't suggest a different time. I'd have taken the hint right there.
Friendships do die out, maybe she's just not really feeling it any more.
She wasn't into it. You were sort of dragging her through it from the get-go. Are you sure she's really your friend? You reached out. Then you suggested a time. She said she wasn't around, didn't suggest a different time. I'd have taken the hint right there.
Friendships do die out, maybe she's just not really feeling it any more.
No, I'm actually not sure where our friendship stands. She did invite me somewhere a few weeks ago, but it was an extremely late invite and honestly something that hardly anyone else would have been available for.
I've mentioned how one-sided our friendship sometimes seems to her...she just says she's busy (which IS true - her job is more demanding than average), but I do feel that "busy" is sometimes just a cop out.
I've mentioned how one-sided our friendship sometimes seems to her...she just says she's busy (which IS true - her job is more demanding than average), but I do feel that "busy" is sometimes just a cop out.
The answer you seek is found in your very words. You are concerned enough about the one-sidedness of your friendship that you mentioned it to her, and she sloughed off your concerns by saying that she's been "busy." Yeah, sure, we're all busy, but the fact is that people make time for what's important to them. If she's "too busy" to make time for you, this means that she does not consider you important enough to make time for.
Simple as that. Time to cultivate other friendships with other people.
One thing I can't stand is when people say YES when they absolutely mean MAYBE or even NO. Just say what you mean & mean what tf you say!!
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), in less than 30 seconds we had the time and place set....very easy.
