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I agree that she shouldn't have to give specific details, but it's hard to give any kind of advice with such limited insight into the situation. Okay, she lost custody; it was 30 years ago and the details don't need to be shared, but it would help to know if she maintained visitation, and/or if she tried to make amends with her daughter and accepted accountability on her part. Those questions can be answered without sharing details that are too personal and painful.
Frankly, I believe that the biggest contribution to estrangements is unwillingness to name and acknowledge what we did to the people we wronged, without pointing the finger at other people. If the OP can do that with her daughter, maybe some real forgiveness and healing is possible.
Those of us who feel wronged for what ever reason will try to gloss over the real problem and not want to face our demons. Human nature.
Those of us who want real advice and can own what we did will accept advice that they may not want to hear.
You will get honest bottom line answers from me no matter how difficult it may be to hear. If you want sugar coated coddling go to the bakery and get a donut.
What some perceive as mean, others perceive as honest reality.
I'm in the same boat with a friend that walked away out of the blue. I tried to ask him what the problem was and he was brutally harsh. Instead of feeling angry and defensive I was trying to get to the root of the problem which he neglected to share.
I desperately want to know how I hurt him because I honestly can't figure it out and he's not talking. This information would only help me grow as a person. I also recognize that his angry outburst was only a symptom of how I hurt him and that in itself made me feel horrible. That's the bottom line, not how he reacted.
This friendship will probably never heel and if that's the case then I only want what's best for him. Anything less would be selfish. Yes there aren't grand kids involved and yes I feel empathy for that loss for the op, but it is what it is. Coming on an open forum giving only choice pieces of information will not change that bottom line.
Honest dialog might help, or it may be beyond repair. Either way it's impossible to know with such little information.
[quote=soUlwounD;43952313]Idon't talk about OP or you but there is sadistic family members who are envy or they have some other bitterness inside their mind to start to attack on other family members. It could be that there is no anything what 1 would do but maybe had more friends, better at school, prettier or some other "insane" reason to hate their siblings.
Not all families are perfect and sometimes there is clear sadist-victim setting.
It's horrible how even the best intentions can be perceived as something else when you just can't find a way to relate. One of my besties is estranged from her sister over something I would consider so stupid, but is viewed as a serious wrong by her sister. I've also only heard one side of the story and it may be totally different then what she has told me.
The bottom line is that her sister doesn't want any contact with her and I told her to respect it and move on. Why beat a dead horse and cause even more animosity?
When I hear stories about mothers and daughters who don't get along I always wonder. Often it's the mother's fault too. People always assume it's the daughter's fault. But as a daughter whose mother was mean, judgmental and forever critical, I understand. Some mothers do things to alienate their daughters. And no matter how many times you the daughter try to tell her in every gentle and non gentle way, SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT and you're always no good, wrong, etc. My mother went to her grave alone, with no friends, at a nursing home - "but she was always right (even when obviously not)." Being right was the most important thing to her. Some people are cold and have no empathy for anyone, especially their daughters.
Don't be the mother who gets dumped in the nursing home because you're mean and nasty.
When I hear stories about mothers and daughters who don't get along I always wonder. Often it's the mother's fault too. People always assume it's the daughter's fault. But as a daughter whose mother was mean, judgmental and forever critical, I understand. Some mothers do things to alienate their daughters. And no matter how many times you the daughter try to tell her in every gentle and non gentle way, SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT and you're always no good, wrong, etc. My mother went to her grave alone, with no friends, at a nursing home - "but she was always right (even when obviously not)." Being right was the most important thing to her. Some people are cold and have no empathy for anyone, especially their daughters.
Don't be the mother who gets dumped in the nursing home because you're mean and nasty.
I don't know if you are a mother, but if you are, what kind of a mother are you?
My sister lives near her in Fla but we haven't spoken in 30 yrs (she testified against me in divorce court so I lost custody of my kids- I'm just so upset.
Please go and get some professional help, OP, to help you work through your feelings about this and figure out the best way to handle it. There aren't any magical solutions that a bunch of people in a forum like this are going to give you; they're bringing their own baggage into whatever suggestions they may make.
And by the way, if you do seek out therapy, your therapist isn't going to tell you how to "fix" your daughter, either. The only one you can change is yourself
Sorry if I missed this somewhere... Lots of parents don't have custody of their kids. They still have visitation. I'm confused as to why losing custody meant losing all involvement and contact. I also never read WHY you lost custody. There has been a lot of upheaval and drama in your family. We don't know all of it and we don't know why you daughter doesn't talk to you. I'm betting there is a good reason, though. She's probably trying to shield her kids from the drama she experienced.
When I hear stories about mothers and daughters who don't get along I always wonder. Often it's the mother's fault too. People always assume it's the daughter's fault. But as a daughter whose mother was mean, judgmental and forever critical, I understand. Some mothers do things to alienate their daughters. And no matter how many times you the daughter try to tell her in every gentle and non gentle way, SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT and you're always no good, wrong, etc. My mother went to her grave alone, with no friends, at a nursing home - "but she was always right (even when obviously not)." Being right was the most important thing to her. Some people are cold and have no empathy for anyone, especially their daughters.
Don't be the mother who gets dumped in the nursing home because you're mean and nasty.
I don't think people always assume it's the daughter's fault. Why would they do that?
My mom was mean, judgmental and critical. Her mother was worse, so she felt that all she had to do was be better than her mom. Didn't work too well. She started by telling people that boys were easier to raise than girls, and why. Then when asked how I was doing she would say jokingly "I haven't killed her yet. Now she revises history to suit herself, telling stories to all who will listen that only have fragments of truth in them.
My mom would also rather be right than happy, and it has cost her a lot. She is probably sitting at home right now wondering why I didn't do more for her Mother's Day, and telling herself it's because I'm busy. I am busy. Spending time with my kids whom I dearly love. She's conveniently forgotten all the Mother's Days (and other days) I tried to do something nice and she had a temper tantrum. I've been let down too many times to want to try again.
send your daughter an email or text with this thread link and you'll probably know why she treated you the way she did.
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Those of us who feel wronged for what ever reason will try to gloss over the real problem and not want to face our demons. Human nature. 
