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My mother was also the type who made fun of me for crying when I was little. It was awful. I learned how not to cry before I was 7 years old, and that caused me emotional harm by not having an outlet when a cousin died at that age or later when other things happened that normal people are allowed to cry about. Took 50 years to be able to cry normally. As someone else said, it did make me strong, but it also made me think that's how relationships worked. My husband said mean and mocking things to me all the time.
It made me mean back, though. One time he took off his size 13 work boot and winged it at my head, but I ducked and it missed, and this made him so angry that he kicked the wall and broke his big toe. I did laugh at his suffering, and I'm laughing now remembering that day 20 years ago. I even said to him, "Hey, carpenter, you found the stud on the first try." Meanness begets meanness.
It was my mother's whole family, though. They were all like that. Making fun of and embarrassing children was like a sport. You never praised a kid for anything, oh no. That would give them a big head and make them feel full of themselves. We were of Dutch descent. Ever hear the term "Dutch praise"? It means criticism. I really think it was cultural, and now that I'm older I know how low my mother's own self-esteem was.
I hope I broke that pattern with my own kid.
On the other hand if your parents would not mock you, you would not keep mocking as normal and would not choose to tolerate mean and mocking things from a man and would find someone who would not throw you by a boot. You might end up together with someone who says only beautiful things to you and only throws you by flowers.
Anyway, you got a kid and I do hope she or he would get a spouse who would not be mean nor throw things on him/her.
On the other hand if your parents would not mock you, you would not keep mocking as normal and would not choose to tolerate mean and mocking things from a man and would find someone who would not throw you by a boot. You might end up together with someone who says only beautiful things to you and only throws you by flowers.
Anyway, you got a kid and I do hope she or he would get a spouse who would not be mean nor throw things on him/her.
Yes, welI I divorced him many years ago and got therapy for what was wrong with me to let that happen, though I never did get another chance for another, nicer relationship. Being alone is better than being in a bad marriage. And my daughter thanks me for divorcing him. He changed in how he treated HER, at least, so my tossing him out gave her a better father. He's older and has mellowed, but I think he's still not that nice to his girlfriend. That's not my problem, though. She chooses to stay.
Have people ever made fun of you while you were suffering? If so, how did it feel?
Have YOU ever made fun of someone who was suffering? If so, it probably felt slightly fun & harmless, right?
Maybe the mere thought of mocking others sounds cold-hearted and "No, I'd NEVER do that to someone." But sometimes we do it without realizing. The things we say behind people's backs or behind internet anonymity can be visceral, and even find its way back to the person who's suffering. This happens so often!
I see it daily all over the internet, people making thoughtless comments about an ordeal someone else is having. But if the tables were turned and the thoughtless commenter was the one in the tragic news story, he wouldn't think it's so funny anymore, would he?
There are countless examples, I'll just highlight two. You can add any more examples you think of.
1) Do you remember the story awhile back of Hannah Anderson, a pretty blonde teen who was abducted by a middle-aged man, a family friend? During & after her ordeal the internet blew up with people criticizing Hannah and saying rude things. Well it's typical that people think their comments disappear into the ether, but no, Hannah READ all these things, adding to her psychological suffering as she recovered from this ordeal.
2) In my own life, years ago my (now ex) husband was abusing me, so I got a restraining order against him. The police were rather unprofessional, they flirted with me then laughed & joked with each other about the details of the incident when they thought I was out of earshot. Then at church the next Sunday, someone asked where my husband was, so I briefly mentioned the restraining order. Then that person blabbed to our ecclesiastical leader, who then visited me at home, then (without asking my consent) included the details in his weekly welfare-&-community-needs meeting. (If you're not already Mormon, this anecdote will make you glad you're not.) One of the people in the leadership meeting turned out to be a gossip, and when our family's personal matter had come back around to me through the gossip grapevine, she swore that she'd read the details in my blog! But I ASSURE you I did NOT blog about this. She initiated that gossip from the leadership meeting.
So a bit of amusement was had by others over my family's agony, and it HURT to be on the receiving end of mockery, especially coming from police & church who are supposed to be supportive & trustworthy.
In summary, people can be really rotten sometimes. Reading comments on CD, I see a lot of this mockery going on.
So here's my Public Service Announcement: let's all take a good hard look at ourselves, and remind ourselves that people whose tragic incidents we get so much amusement over have probably been through a great deal of suffering. Let's try not to add to it. Even if you've never met the person and never will, if you can't say something nice, try really hard to redirect your abundant critical energy into improving your own life.
Ah, church ladies and brothers. How much gossip is spread in the name of 'prayer requests'. I hope you do put the above #2 on your blog and end it with something like hey betsy when you say you saw this on my blog this time you'll be telling the truth.
Yes, welI I divorced him many years ago and got therapy for what was wrong with me to let that happen, though I never did get another chance for another, nicer relationship. Being alone is better than being in a bad marriage. And my daughter thanks me for divorcing him. He changed in how he treated HER, at least, so my tossing him out gave her a better father. He's older and has mellowed, but I think he's still not that nice to his girlfriend. That's not my problem, though. She chooses to stay.
A lady I know just got married with her new, second husband at 70! As long as you breath, you can find someone
But I do agree that being alone is better choice if there is no someone who treats you with love
A lady I know just got married with her new, second husband at 70! As long as you breath, you can find someone
But I do agree that being alone is better choice if there is no someone who treats you with love
LOL, thanks, but I don't think so, I never had success with dating. I'm presentable, but not attractive, and also, when you don't get to date as a young woman, you never quite learn how the whole dating thing works. It's not something you can catch up on later in life.
I do know normal women who have met someone later in life, though! A woman from my church was dumped by her husband after 44 years of marriage. Three years later, she went to a memorial service for an old friend and ran into a hs classmate who had been widowed several years earlier. They are 67 and so in love. It's adorable.
I never made fun of my loved one when she was suffering from depression. I also never knew she was suffering so much because she hide it. I wish she had told me how sad she was.
Maybe it wouldn't have made any difference if she had told me she wanted to die, but at least I would have tried.
I miss her every, single day. It has been 30 years since she killed herself. My heart is still broken. I've moved on, but the loss hurts forever. I miss her. I loved her.
I think mocking a whiner or a hypocrite is very appropriate. If mocking is meant to induce some level of shame, then people who are unnecessarily whining or being hypocritical NEED to develop a healthy sense of shame about such behavior. In recent years, the whole idea of shame has been turned into a bad thing: no one should ever feel shamed and no one should ever induce shame in anyone else. That's just, well, a shame. We often learn what unhealthy/harmful behaviors to stay away from through experiencing shame. If a three-year-old picks his nose and his mother slaps his hand and says "don't be a pig" he learns this is not acceptable in front of others. If a 6 year old continually interrupts people when they are speaking, her mother might say something shaming about how that is completely rude, babyish, or embarrassing. She learns that it's not acceptable behavior.
I do agree that people should recognize and even feel shame for their 'bad' actions. People should naturally feel shame because they realize they did something wrong, not because someone else called them a rude name or laughed at them. I don't agree that mocking people, making fun of them or calling them names is the way to do it.
Instead of calling the young kid a pig, why not, "Nice people don't pick their nose in public. Stop now." Instead of calling an interrupting kid a baby, why not, "It's rude to interrupt other people. Everyone deserves a turn to talk."
If an adult is whining about something inconsequential, instead of mocking them, why not, "I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with that. Now, how about this report?" (or whatever the work is)
It's really not that hard to stand firm or educate without being a jerk.
Have people ever made fun of you while you were suffering? If so, how did it feel?
Have YOU ever made fun of someone who was suffering? If so, it probably felt slightly fun & harmless, right?
My ex gf (when we were still friends) made fun of me at a low point in my life, but I can't say I was surprised, I expected too much of her, and it probably wasn't fair of me to confide in her at all (about another woman.) After that the friendship was over, and now she hates my guts.
As far as whether I've done it, I can think of two times in my life where I've really done that. One example was with someone who lost their job and had fallen on hard times... But in this case, I'd say it was karma coming back to bite them in the a$$ and was well deserved. Don't regret putting my two cents in to them at all.
The other time was with my father, who had also lost his job and was in a really bad financial situation of his own making. I wasn't so much making fun of him as just letting him have it as his house of cards all came crashing down, because I was mad about promises he made to me and for what he put my mother through.
Have people ever made fun of you while you were suffering? If so, how did it feel?
Have YOU ever made fun of someone who was suffering? If so, it probably felt slightly fun & harmless, right?
Maybe the mere thought of mocking others sounds cold-hearted and "No, I'd NEVER do that to someone." But sometimes we do it without realizing. The things we say behind people's backs or behind internet anonymity can be visceral, and even find its way back to the person who's suffering. This happens so often!
I see it daily all over the internet, people making thoughtless comments about an ordeal someone else is having. But if the tables were turned and the thoughtless commenter was the one in the tragic news story, he wouldn't think it's so funny anymore, would he?
There are countless examples, I'll just highlight two. You can add any more examples you think of.
1) Do you remember the story awhile back of Hannah Anderson, a pretty blonde teen who was abducted by a middle-aged man, a family friend? During & after her ordeal the internet blew up with people criticizing Hannah and saying rude things. Well it's typical that people think their comments disappear into the ether, but no, Hannah READ all these things, adding to her psychological suffering as she recovered from this ordeal.
2) In my own life, years ago my (now ex) husband was abusing me, so I got a restraining order against him. The police were rather unprofessional, they flirted with me then laughed & joked with each other about the details of the incident when they thought I was out of earshot. Then at church the next Sunday, someone asked where my husband was, so I briefly mentioned the restraining order. Then that person blabbed to our ecclesiastical leader, who then visited me at home, then (without asking my consent) included the details in his weekly welfare-&-community-needs meeting. (If you're not already Mormon, this anecdote will make you glad you're not.) One of the people in the leadership meeting turned out to be a gossip, and when our family's personal matter had come back around to me through the gossip grapevine, she swore that she'd read the details in my blog! But I ASSURE you I did NOT blog about this. She initiated that gossip from the leadership meeting.
So a bit of amusement was had by others over my family's agony, and it HURT to be on the receiving end of mockery, especially coming from police & church who are supposed to be supportive & trustworthy.
In summary, people can be really rotten sometimes. Reading comments on CD, I see a lot of this mockery going on.
So here's my Public Service Announcement: let's all take a good hard look at ourselves, and remind ourselves that people whose tragic incidents we get so much amusement over have probably been through a great deal of suffering. Let's try not to add to it. Even if you've never met the person and never will, if you can't say something nice, try really hard to redirect your abundant critical energy into improving your own life.
Zelpha,
Growing up I had a parent that was my worst critic and abuser. She made fun of every emotion I had until I showed nothing but anger. She then made fun of that. Because it was all I knew I was an adult before I realized it was wrong. Now I struggle to appear happy (stupid), scared (weak), sad (weak, would cause me to get made fun of and laughed at for hours). Emotions were not safe. I actually feel guilty when I smile sometimes. So yeah, I get it.
I noticed often people like to "blame the victim" or make jokes because they don't want to believe something horrible can happen to them. It's not an excuse but often they dont' do it to be mean, they do it so they don't need to admit, something so horrible can happen to them.
Other times people do things because they are jerks or too stupid/ insecure to act like decent people To them I say it is punishment enough for some people to be alive. I am grateful I am not them.
Social media has made a lot of cowards come out as cyber bullies. It's pathetic.
Either way, keep on being a decent person, there are others out there that feel the same way.
Have YOU ever made fun of someone who was suffering? If so, it probably felt slightly fun & harmless, right?
Absolutely not. Doing that would be against my personality. I always try to make everyone happy. If someone's suffering, I try to help that person to feel better.
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good advice media makes it worse
