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I sent something warm and short like this to her along with about a dozen scans of photos of her with me, Granny, her parents, etc when she was young. I also found a voice recording of a precious conversation we had when she was about 4 and her brother was 2. It is a hoot. I'm sure she will be pleased.
Now you wait. If she contacts you to ask questions, you answer them. If she doesn't, you leave it alone.
My brother was an extremely flawed person but he was knocked around by our father while growing up so it was not surprising he turned out to be a very intelligent and educated drunk.
He never paid child support but found money for motorcycles, booze , cigarettes, and women. And while he tried to stay in their lives to a certain degree, his children became estranged when their mother remarried and took them many many miles away. They were 9 and 7 at the time.
When my niece was about 21 she announced she was dropping her middle name (which was my mother's family name) and changing her last name to that of her beloved step father. This crushed my mother who said "Well if she doesn't want anything to do with us, that's a mutual feeling" and we never saw her again. She lived on the over side of the country and it's not like there was all of a sudden no contact. One week later we learned from my brother she was getting married (when she could have changed her name to that of her husband) and while her step father was giving her away, she wanted my brother to attend. He was too hurt and did not.
I'm not sure how much contact they had in later years but when he was dying she spent a few days visiting and a month after his death she returned for his memorial service. His 3rd (or was it his 4th wife?) refused to let me even see him before his death and I had no desire to subject myself to his memorial service so I have not seen my niece since she was in college.
Fast forward to a month ago when she contacted me through 23 and Me! I was floored but happy to reconnect. This past weekend she came down from Boston for a family funeral and we met for a 4 hour lunch. My husband was with us and it was pleasant but we never got into much about the estrangement or my brother. But when my husband was getting the car and she and I were alone I managed to say "Your father had many demons but he loved you and your brother very much and he was very proud of your accomplishments. He suffered many injustices and cruelty at the hands of our father and it is a testament to his strength he was able to keep it together as long as he did". Crickets. I was not even sure if she heard me. As we were saying our goodbyes she whispered in my ear "Thank you for what you said about Dad".
I doubt my brother ever said one word to this girl's mother about our family life. In fact one time I called him when my therapist needed some information and he poo- pooed getting therapy saying "There is no such thing as a functional family."
Since our meeting, I've been thinking about writing her a letter telling her a lot about how we grew up and about her father's personality development. I think I can shed some light on his troubles and some of his positive characteristics and while I won't defend him for basically abandoning his kids financially, I think she should know more about her father. I would never have sought her out to do this but since she initiated contact I think she might be receptive to this letter. She is a 47 year old acclaimed Harvard scientist now with one failed marriage, one successful one, two kids and she has some maturity to be able to understand life is not all black and white. I know I would love to have some background information about my own father and why he was the way he was but nobody in the family was willing to talk about it.
Thoughts?
I'm going to take the opposite view of many. I think it's important information to share out of a sense of kindness to your niece. Our parents are among the largest figures in our lives, and the most important figures in terms of our formation. Even in normal families, their strengths and flaws have a way of being magnified and dwelled upon. I would imagine that your niece has gone through a great deal of soul-searching, trying to understand her biological father and -- to a point -- why he abandoned her in life.
It says a great deal about her that, despite everything, she has tried to remain in touch with you and your family. This means that family matters deeply to her, warts and all. It also means that your brother is a puzzle and enigma that she had not completely solved. So his history helps her understand so much of her own.
One of the greatest signs of maturity is to come to grips with the humanity of your parents. When you no longer see them as household gods, then their qualities become more approachable and their flaws become more forgivable. I am in my fifties now, and there remains so little that I truly understand about my father. He was a deeply conflicted and narcissistic man who had little personal warmth towards his children. But I also have heard the whispers about how my grandparents raised him, and how those lessons molded him from the cradle.
In that sense, your niece is still working through the enigma of your brother and sounds very bright and sane. So I think she can certainly handle whatever you tell her about him. In some ways, it will be the path to forgiveness. In some ways, it will at least produce understanding. And if there are secrets to impart, so be it. Because whatever you reveal will likely be far easier to digest than whatever her imagination has created.
But at the same time, I think scribbling out a letter and mailing it isn't the right way to do it. She has to ask for the conversation in some way. Then you should give everything you can without biases or editorial comments. For the truth always sets you free in one way or another.
I'm going to take the opposite view of many. I think it's important information to share out of a sense of kindness to your niece. Our parents are the largest figures in our lives. Even in normal families, their strengths and flaws have a way of being magnified and dwelled upon. I would imagine that your niece has gone through a great deal of soul-searching, trying to understand her biological father and -- to a point -- why he abandoned her in life.
It says a great deal about her that, despite everything, she has tried to remain in touch with you and your family. This means that family matters deeply to her, warts and all. It also means that your brother is a puzzle and enigma that she had not completely solved. So his history helps her understand so much of her own.
One of the greatest signs of maturity is to come to grips with the humanity of your parents. When you no longer see them as household gods, then their qualities become more approachable and their flaws become more forgivable. I am in my fifties now, and there remains so little that I truly understand about my father. He was a deeply conflicted and narcissistic man who had little personal warmth towards his children. But I also have heard the whispers about how my grandparents raised him, and how those lessons molded him from the cradle.
In that sense, your niece is still working through the enigma of your brother and sounds very bright and sane. So I think she can certainly handle whatever you tell her about him. In some ways, it will be the path to forgiveness. In some ways, it will at least produce understanding. And if there are secrets to impart, so be it. Because whatever you reveal will likely be far easier to digest than whatever her imagination has created.
But at the same time, I think scribbling out a letter and mailing it isn't the right way to do it. She has to ask for the conversation in some way. Then you should give everything you can without biases or editorial comments. For the truth always sets you free in one way or another.
This was my thinking as well. I am ready and willing to share if she decides she wants more information. The ball is in her court. Thank you for your response.
One week later we learned from my brother she was getting married (when she could have changed her name to that of her husband) and while her step father was giving her away, she wanted my brother to attend. He was too hurt and did not.
Your neice does have a passive-aggressive streak about her.
It was so nice to connect with you! I am proud of the lovely person you have become. Feel free to contact me at any time.
If you ever have questions about our family, I would be happy to share any family history or specific information about your Dad. My brother had a rough life, but I hope you'll always know he loved you and your brother.
Auntie Bea
I was going to suggest something like this. Keep the line of communication open, let her know you are willing to talk if she ever decides she needs to hear, but leave it at that.
Not sure why some finger-waggers popped into this thread, but I guess that's always a risk when talking about family matters.
I am glad you got to reconnect with your niece, NK.
How about not a long letter, but just share some short tidbits about her dad, start with positive ones, then let her lead the conversation from there?
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