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It was only when I reached 40 years of age that I started standing up for myself. Before that I used to be what I would describe as very submissive, and I am glad I am not that any more.
Now I am well past 40, and I wish I would have learned by now - but I often get trapped between
1) not being a doormat and
2) being overly assertive.
I wish I could feel that however I act is OK instead of second-guessing myself.
Does anyone else have this inner conflict?
Last nite I literally did not sleep at all due to second-guessing myself.
Some people stand up for themselves in a firm yet civil manner, or even with some humor, to deflect what they might feel are insulting or disrespecting words or behavior.
This is very effective I think.
I on the other hand get very defensive. I don't rant and rave, or scream, or curse, or attack the other person personally.
I do feel that I don't express myself in the most effective manner.
Then I worry about what I should have said, and didn't say, and did say.... etc.
Even when I think carefully about what I'm going to say, and to me I think I am reacting moderately and appropriately, I end up making the other person angry, or make them feel defensive, and I don't like that.
I realize I am talking in generalities, and I probably should give you some examples - as I had THREE such examples yesterday!
(usually I don't get 3 in one day. but there it is.)
It's good that you don't lash out due to feeling defensive. Those interactions rarely end well.
When someone says something unreasonable or outlandish to me, I try to take a split second to think what would make them be that way. If they are like that with everyone, I do not take it personally. You can't. That's where the humorous reply comes in real handy.
But if their attitude is only with me, I try something like, "Surely you can see why I don't think that", or "You understand why I can't just drop everything and do your bidding". This puts the ball in their court. If they don't see your side or start calling you names, i.e., lazy, ungrateful, etc., that's when you decide how much time you want to spend with that person in the future.
I too, am done being a doormat and then be made to feel guilty if I don't "beck and call". Sometimes it ends relationships that were giving me grief anyway. Good luck.
How often do you feel you have to stand up for yourself? It doesn't seem like something that should happen often enough for you to be preoccupied about it.
I agree it is good to try to see where the other person is coming from.
some people are just plain miserable, and are that way with everyone.
some people are having a bad day, or maybe their best friend just died, or they just got a bad medical diagnosis.
I try not to take things personally. For ex there is a receptionist in the building where I live, who is the most miserable person I've every known. If you say 'good morning' she's stare you you like you just called her a turd. If I give her a paper to give to management, and I thank her, she never says 'U welcome', she'll just stare like I am an odious person.
I try not give her any thots, cuz she's obviously got problems, and as far as i can see, they have nothing to do with me.
My issue is more about how to express myself, how to let someone know I am displeased, or that they have insulted me, how to convey that without being a "pill".
I tend to avoid anything that smacks of confrontation, and then when it builds to where I can't avoid it, I do not always handle it well.
How often do you feel you have to stand up for yourself? It doesn't seem like something that should happen often enough for you to be preoccupied about it.
quite right. Just that it happened 3 times in one day yesterday. maybe the moon is in jupiter!
My issue is more about how to express myself, how to let someone know I am displeased, or that they have insulted me, how to convey that without being a "pill".
I tend to avoid anything that smacks of confrontation, and then when it builds to where I can't avoid it, I do not always handle it well.
The comment has to be severe, but if insulted, I always ask, 'Was that necessary?" I know you don't fancy confrontation, but sometimes folks have to be called out on their behavior. If questioned immediately on their rudeness, often times it will snap them out of it. Yes, they might be having a bad day, but that's no reason to take it out on you. As for being 'a pill', they dished out the first dose. You're just trying to keep it civil.
I would never think twice about a receptionist like that. She just sounds ill-mannered.
Try to be clearer in yourself about what makes you feel taken advantage of, and prevent it gracefully and immediately. Simple phrases like "I not able to do that", "I have a previous engagement", "You seem angry", "No". Remember, some people actually thrive on confrontation, but you don't have to engage in it.
I agree it is good to try to see where the other person is coming from.
some people are just plain miserable, and are that way with everyone.
some people are having a bad day, or maybe their best friend just died, or they just got a bad medical diagnosis.
I try not to take things personally. For ex there is a receptionist in the building where I live, who is the most miserable person I've every known. If you say 'good morning' she's stare you you like you just called her a turd. If I give her a paper to give to management, and I thank her, she never says 'U welcome', she'll just stare like I am an odious person.
I try not give her any thots, cuz she's obviously got problems, and as far as i can see, they have nothing to do with me.
My issue is more about how to express myself, how to let someone know I am displeased, or that they have insulted me, how to convey that without being a "pill".
I tend to avoid anything that smacks of confrontation, and then when it builds to where I can't avoid it, I do not always handle it well.
So? She doesn't say hello. I would give someone the benefit of the doubt the first time, maybe she didn't hear you. Second time would be the last time I said hello.
You don't know her really, so you can't say she is the most miserable person you have ever known. Maybe she lives in a dumpy apartment and you're in a building with a receptionist so it must be pretty nice. I wouldn't put all this energy into it and let her bother you.
Seriously, get back to us when you're dealing with a real situation like a family member in the hospital and they're not getting good care. You want to scream your head off but you know you must be calm but get your point across.
Someone doesn't say hello, who cares. You stop saying hello to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
I would never think twice about a receptionist like that. She just sounds ill-mannered.
Try to be clearer in yourself about what makes you feel taken advantage of, and prevent it gracefully and immediately. Simple phrases like "I not able to do that", "I have a previous engagement", "You seem angry", "No". Remember, some people actually thrive on confrontation, but you don't have to engage in it.
Exactly, the receptionist is most likely ill-mannered.
I wonder if the OP lets every little slight or perception of slight bother her? Got to pick and choose your battles in life, and save your energy for when you need it.
How often do you feel you have to stand up for yourself? It doesn't seem like something that should happen often enough for you to be preoccupied about it.
The OP spent 40 years teaching people to behave badly towards her. She's going to experience it a lot more than those of us who have established the expectation of being treated civilly.
I seemed to be a bit more assertive when young, possibly becoming a bit worn down over time, not that I would stand for seeing something happen to another, for instance. I recall speaking up when some were being rude to a coworker. I let em' have it. Then when working as a Sales Clerk in a department store, a manager was referring to me to another employee as "the girl". I kept overhearing this, until I walked over to him saying "Excuse me, my name is ____ and I would appreciate being addressed properly". From that point, I felt we had a better relationship, that he respected me, addressing me directly.
I am not saying it has always been the case. I later worked for some Supervisors who were unpleasant and felt less able to speak up at times, with them having such a superior attitude. Only once in my life, and when I was older, did I experience a bullying coworker. I wish my younger self would have set him straight, but didn't.. somehow, he ruled the roost and turned out, other employees just catered to him since they saw how he could be. (He just apparently couldn't stand that, though being friendly, I did not laud over him). Now see, if it had been one of them being bullied instead of me, I likely would have stood up for them.
Most coworkers have been decent and made friends of or had at least good working relationships with, but it has been some Managers as I say, who I would sometimes feel distanced from and question their character. It is too bad these occurrences come up, because it should be more about the work and not having these interferences. It all comes down to personality and compatibilities, some of us being more sensitive than others. It would be nice if everyone would realize that they should get along while in the workplace. I don't suppose I am helping and cannot tell you how to be assertive, just go with your gut - and no, not so defensively. Maybe read up on it or ask an authority how to deal with this. Good luck.
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but there it is.)
