Another chapter in my on-going roommate soap opera (girlfriend, husband, conversation)
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Vet here. Call the VA. He has some kind of mental block, mental issue, mental illness... just go with the mental aspect. There are probably people with forms that will come to you, fill them out and get him some kind of help. I'm so thankful you've been compassionate.
So... My current roommate and I get along well, which is a relief after a series of roommates from hell and beyond. When he first moved in, he didn't have a job so I cut him some slack. We live in a small town in the middle of nowhere and the local economy was heavily dependent on the energy industry. Well, when the price of oil went down, all the energy companies moved out and 200 people alone were laid off by a major outfit, never mind the people working for smaller energy companies. So, fast-forward a year to the present. Despite sending out tons of applications, my roommate is still unemployed. He's 55, has health problems and the field he worked in has been suffering from government cutbacks. I'm not surprised that he's been having difficulties. The problem is that I can't afford to continue to carry him. My own income is pathetic - a small disability check from social security.
Now, there is help out there that he could apply for. For example, he’s a vet and the local VA has a number of programs to help vets in his position. However, my roommate won’t go down there and talk with them. His excuse is that he only got a general discharge from the army and they won’t help vets with general discharges. Well, I’m an army brat and that didn’t sound right to me, so I did some checking on the Internet. Everything I found said he’s still eligible for help from the VA except that he can’t get an education loan. BFD. Then one day I had an appointment in the same building where the local VA rep works. Out of curiosity, I stopped and asked him about the general discharge thing, naming no names. The rep said he could help and to tell my friend that he should drop by. Well, my roommate still refuses to go down there and talk with anyone.
The same with a state sponsored program called Senior Employment Resources (SER). I know the lady who runs the program, and she’s very nice. What they do is provide employment with non-profits for people over 55 who have been jobless for a while. The idea is to give older job seekers training and job experience. It’s temporary (2 years) and they don’t pay a fortune, but it sure is better than nothing at all. In addition, it puts a person back out in the community where they can network and maybe even find something permanent. My roommate won’t apply there either because he won’t take government assistance. Well, that’s very noble of him, but it doesn’t pay the electric bill.
When I ask him about going down and checking these and other similar programs out, he just gets mad and goes into his room and shuts the door. I don’t want to kick him out on the street, but I’ve never seen such a hardheaded individual in my life. The thought of going on the “dole” hurts his pride, but the Rambler dole program is becoming exhausted. Any ideas on how to get him to come around would be greatly appreciated.
Sounds like he's feeling defeated and slipping into a depression. But, you can't let him take you down with him. This is his problem not yours. Put your foot down and give him 30 days (or whatever the court's require to legally evict in CO) to leave. He's clearly mistaking your kindness for weakness.
Rambler, I thought you were moving back to the Springs? Even if that's been put on the back burner it's a good excuse to let him know his days with you are numbered, and he'd better get busy finding a way to support himself. Good luck!
Wow, everybody! that was certainly a splash of cold water in the face! But I needed it. This situation has gone on so long that I think my roommate is starting to take it for granted. Like I'm the big sister he can crash with indefinitely. But I do know he's not lazy. He's constantly out in the yard (which is vast) and doing things either I or the landlady want done. Like there's a row of half dead trees out front that are a real eyesore and a fire hazard too (we live in the infamous urban/forest interface). He's been cutting those trees down for weeks now using only a handsaw since neither of us owns a chainsaw and some of those trees are fairly large. Then he has to drag them all to a spot out back where the landlady wants them. Someone is supposed to be coming along with a truck and haul them all off. That person better hurry up because that pile of felled trees is getting huge! I don't think a lazy man would do all that work.
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Originally Posted by bus man
What is your current living situation? Are you in a house that you own, or an apartment that you're renting?
Tell your roommate that you enjoy living with him, but you simply don't make enough money to carry the load by yourself. Tell him he either needs to start kicking in his share by "X" date or you will do one of two things: (1) if it's an apartment, you will move out when your lease is up and leave him holding the bag, and let the landlord deal with it; or (2) if it's your house, you will have to have him evicted so that you can find someone else to live there and help with the expenses.
We live in an old rented farmhouse in the middle of about a thousand acres of alfalfa fields with no close neighbors. Long story short, it would be very easy for me to have him evicted at any time. I would really rather find some other solution however, because I dislike living out here alone and because I feel sorry for him. He literally has no money and our small town runs a homeless shelter only in the winter months, so now it's closed.
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Originally Posted by seain dublin
This. He's probably not a vet. His excuses don't make sense. Kind of like someone who claims they got laid off in a downsizing and won't file for UE benefits that they're entitled to, because they feel like they're taking a hand out. When the real story is they were fired for cause and can't get UE benefits.
OP, unless you have proof he is a vet(as in photos of him in uniform, paperwork) he may be telling you a tale.
Well, as I mentioned before, I'm an army brat - my Dad was 30 years career military, so I'd like to think that I would be harder to fool on that score than most people. Still, if he had friends at some point who were vets, he might have picked up enough listening to them that he now can talk a pretty good talk even though he never walked the walk. I probably should go through his paperwork some time when I know he'll be gone for a while and see what I can find. For that matter, the military would probably tell me if he's served or not. If I found out that he's been lying to me about his military service all this time, it would be pretty easy for me to show him to the door.
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Originally Posted by hunterseat
Vet here. Call the VA. He has some kind of mental block, mental issue, mental illness... just go with the mental aspect. There are probably people with forms that will come to you, fill them out and get him some kind of help. I'm so thankful you've been compassionate.
Now that's an interesting idea. He certainly has a mental block or issue when it comes to discussing difficult things. He even gets upset if I happen to mention global warming to him. Me, I'm the exact opposite. I do my best to be proactive and meet potentially bad situations head-on. I want to have a solution already in my hand if the poo hits the fan. I can't tell you how much my roommate's ostrich stance frustrates the hell out of me. But if he really is a vet (and I think he is), I'll do all I can to help. I've helped veterans who were in a bad place before. How could I not? Every time I see a homeless vet or hear on the news the way the VA is letting some of our vets down, I think of my Dad, and I get very angry over how our country (mis)treats our vets.
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Originally Posted by lovely40
Sounds like he's feeling defeated and slipping into a depression. But, you can't let him take you down with him. This is his problem not yours. Put your foot down and give him 30 days (or whatever the court's require to legally evict in CO) to leave. He's clearly mistaking your kindness for weakness.
Yes, I think he is feeling very defeated and depressed, although I don't think he believes I'm weak rather than being kind. He knows me better than that. I agree that I can't make his problems mine, but on the other hand, I'm really not going to improve my own situation by kicking him out. If I had a brand new roommate just champing at the bit, longing to move in that would be one thing. However, right now I don't have any potential replacements lined up. If I kick my current roommate out, I'll be left all alone with only the alfalfa for company and no transportation - my truck broke down and I can't fix it due to lack of cash. At least my roomie has a jeep that runs. This whole thing is a major dilemma, I must say.
Rambler, I thought you were moving back to the Springs? Even if that's been put on the back burner it's a good excuse to let him know his days with you are numbered, and he'd better get busy finding a way to support himself. Good luck!
Yes, my game plan had been to move back home to Colorado Springs, but with the huge influx of people all moving to the Front Range, I'm being priced out of the Springs. I think eventually this current boom will end and the Springs will be a reasonable place to live again. My roommate does know of my desire to get the hell out of Dodge, but maybe I should start talking about my longing to leave more often.
Wow, everybody! that was certainly a splash of cold water in the face! But I needed it. This situation has gone on so long that I think my roommate is starting to take it for granted. Like I'm the big sister he can crash with indefinitely. But I do know he's not lazy. He's constantly out in the yard (which is vast) and doing things either I or the landlady want done. Like there's a row of half dead trees out front that are a real eyesore and a fire hazard too (we live in the infamous urban/forest interface). He's been cutting those trees down for weeks now using only a handsaw since neither of us owns a chainsaw and some of those trees are fairly large. Then he has to drag them all to a spot out back where the landlady wants them. Someone is supposed to be coming along with a truck and haul them all off. That person better hurry up because that pile of felled trees is getting huge! I don't think a lazy man would do all that work.
We live in an old rented farmhouse in the middle of about a thousand acres of alfalfa fields with no close neighbors. Long story short, it would be very easy for me to have him evicted at any time. I would really rather find some other solution however, because I dislike living out here alone and because I feel sorry for him. He literally has no money and our small town runs a homeless shelter only in the winter months, so now it's closed.
Well, as I mentioned before, I'm an army brat - my Dad was 30 years career military, so I'd like to think that I would be harder to fool on that score than most people. Still, if he had friends at some point who were vets, he might have picked up enough listening to them that he now can talk a pretty good talk even though he never walked the walk. I probably should go through his paperwork some time when I know he'll be gone for a while and see what I can find. For that matter, the military would probably tell me if he's served or not. If I found out that he's been lying to me about his military service all this time, it would be pretty easy for me to show him to the door.
Now that's an interesting idea. He certainly has a mental block or issue when it comes to discussing difficult things. He even gets upset if I happen to mention global warming to him. Me, I'm the exact opposite. I do my best to be proactive and meet potentially bad situations head-on. I want to have a solution already in my hand if the poo hits the fan. I can't tell you how much my roommate's ostrich stance frustrates the hell out of me. But if he really is a vet (and I think he is), I'll do all I can to help. I've helped veterans who were in a bad place before. How could I not? Every time I see a homeless vet or hear on the news the way the VA is letting some of our vets down, I think of my Dad, and I get very angry over how our country (mis)treats our vets.
Yes, I think he is feeling very defeated and depressed, although I don't think he believes I'm weak rather than being kind. He knows me better than that. I agree that I can't make his problems mine, but on the other hand, I'm really not going to improve my own situation by kicking him out. If I had a brand new roommate just champing at the bit, longing to move in that would be one thing. However, right now I don't have any potential replacements lined up. If I kick my current roommate out, I'll be left all alone with only the alfalfa for company and no transportation - my truck broke down and I can't fix it due to lack of cash. At least my roomie has a jeep that runs. This whole thing is a major dilemma, I must say.
This sounds mutually beneficial, so I am unsure of what you want to hear.
It sounds like depression to me, but I am unsure of what you can do. It doesn't sound as if there is a VA healthcare center near you. And even if there were, you cannot do much for him if you do not have some sort of Power of Attorney over him. He has to do it - and it doesn't seem likely that he will at this point.
You are using his vehicle and he is doing yardwork. Is it possible that he feels as if this is a barter type situation?
Rambler, you have to realize that everyone but you is getting benefit out of this situation.
Your landlady is getting yard work/ tree cutting done for free. Remember, it's her house, not yours. While the brush may need to be cleared for fire hazard, that's her responsibility if she doesn't want to risk her home. It's her problem how to pay for. It's not yours- yet you are one losing rent money while everyone else benefits. Don't make excuses for this.
Evidently you seem to think that your roomie driving you to town now and then is worth letting him live there for free. Anyone else would simply have discussed this with him before letting him move in. You could simply negotiate x- amount of gas dollars for every time you need to use his Jeep. He is certainly not spending the equivalent of room rent on gas each month.
Basically, everyone is using you. Just think of it this way- you could be saving toward getting your vehicle fixed if you have income coming in. Instead you are deliberately putting off becoming independent by not being willing to confront your room mate and seeking an equitable rooming situation.
You created this mess by letting this guy move in rent free. It's up to you to correct the situation. It's going to be tough for you to do this because you keep making excuses for everyone's behavior. Time to think of yourself. Good luck.
I have a friend at work that lives alone in her own house and she let another friend move in with her. That friend brought a cat and a daughter as well. She did pay rent but it was a difficult situation for my friend. The person living with her was weak and needy. She was going through a divorce and my friend found herself doing more and more for her, including taking her daughter back and forth to school. She finally had enough after a year and asked her to move out.
Takers will take as long as givers are willing to give. I'm sure your room mate will find someone else to mooch off of. Why don't you downsize to an apartment in town that you can afford to live comfortably in on your own? Preferably one with not enough space to take in a room mate. Giving is fine as long as you don't give to the point that it hurts.
It sounds like it's time for some tough love. Set your goals, set a timetable, and make it happen. Keep in mind that there are cheaper places around Springs as well, Fountain, Security, Pueblo, Canon City. I don't think I would live in Springs itself if it were me.
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