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Keep your opinion to yourself, none of your business even though she is a friend and you do care.
She is an adult who can make her own decisions be they right, wrong or indifferent.
Talk about something else if you think you cannot keep your opinion to yourself.
Her timeline is apparantly very different than her timeline for her life.
When is it right to question a friends decision about the person she is marrying vs. best to just be there for her without question? Is there a certain age, after that one shouldn't doubt/question?
So I have a friend who told me 2 weeks ago that she met someone and thinking of having small wedding end of this summer. I visited her back in November & this guy was not in picture. She confirmed she only met him in Dec, but they hang out everyday & she really likes him. She is 31 and has been ready to settle down since 25. She gets attached to guy very easily, the last 2 guys left her heart broken. She is very intelligent, finishing up her residency this year & full fledge MD, but when it comes to guys I don't think she is that smart.
My initial reaction was to ask "is this the right guy?". "don't you think you are moving too fast"..etc without trying to be confrontational. Then I congratulated her & went on to talking about wedding planning all while I wanted to tell her "you are making a mistake, calm down". Now that I had time to think about it & I am meeting her this weekend, I don't know if I should keep my doubts to myself. After all she is highly educated, mature girl who can make best decision for herself. OR should I be the negative person that is questioning her decision & gives her bad vibe.
At this stage in life, are we best just being there for each other regardless of the decision we make or do you never lose the right to question a friends judgment because that's what friends are for?
My brother married a girl that was completely neurotic. She had: no job, hugely restrictive eating habits, would not drive on the interstate, strange viewpoints on everything, etc. She was nice in small doses but my family (and I) knew she would be a disaster as a wife. Of course there is only so much you can tell someone who is in love and wants to get married. Well, I felt it was my duty to try to prevent my brother from making a mistake so I did my logical best to try to talk him out of it. I failed but I certainly don't regret trying and I did not bring it up again with him. 10 years later they got divorced. Fortunately they did not have children.
If you think she is moving too fast or making a mistake you should tell her - strongly, but if she doesn't listen then respect her choice.
My brother married a girl that was completely neurotic. She had: no job, hugely restrictive eating habits, would not drive on the interstate, strange viewpoints on everything, etc. She was nice in small doses but my family (and I) knew she would be a disaster as a wife. Of course there is only so much you can tell someone who is in love and wants to get married. Well, I felt it was my duty to try to prevent my brother from making a mistake so I did my logical best to try to talk him out of it. I failed but I certainly don't regret trying and I did not bring it up again with him. 10 years later they got divorced. Fortunately they did not have children.
If you think she is moving too fast or making a mistake you should tell her - strongly, but if she doesn't listen then respect her choice.
Really bad advice.
First off the OP hasn't even met the guy and no longer lives in the area that the friend does. They're friends from HS who see each other rarely when the OP goes back to where she came from.
And what do you mean by strongly? Talk about putting someone on the defensive.
Your advice puts someone on the fast track to ending the friendship.
Exactly, nothing can end or damage a frienship quicker than giving advice and your opinion on something that wasn't asked about. And when you don't even live by the friend and seem them rarely it is that more annoying.
Only exception to this would be if someone was abusing drugs/alcohol.
Even when someone asks for your opinion, it's wise to keep yourself in check.
I couldn't stand my friend's boyfriend because he was controlling and borderline cruel. I tried to avoid being around him, she noticed, and asked what I thought about him. I told her what I really thought and she didn't like it. It ended up ruining our friendship, though, in the end, my life is much easier not having to listen to her whine about him.
My suggestion is to not get involved - at all. Enjoy your friendship and keep moving.
Even when someone asks for your opinion, it's wise to keep yourself in check.
I couldn't stand my friend's boyfriend because he was controlling and borderline cruel. I tried to avoid being around him, she noticed, and asked what I thought about him. I told her what I really thought and she didn't like it. It ended up ruining our friendship, though, in the end, my life is much easier not having to listen to her whine about him.
My suggestion is to not get involved - at all. Enjoy your friendship and keep moving.
Exactly, you choose your words carefully.
What you don't do is give your opinion on a situation when it wasn't asked for, and making it worse the "advice giver" doesn't even live in the area or sees the person that often to even have an understanding of the situation.
You mentioned a couple of times in your thread about how well educated your friend is, that doesn't make someone smart when it comes to life.
I know of a situation going on right now, where a "highly educated" retired college professor passed away without a will/trust. He was in his 80s. So don't confuse having an education with being smart.
Would you question your friends decision about her marriage?
If honest, open/blunt conversations are normal between the two of you, then I say do it. But after she hears you out and confirms her decision, say no more.
What do you know about her fiance? Does he have a stable job? Is he some bum? Have you ever met him?
I understand your concern. One of my besties married an alcoholic mooch that could never keep a job. I expressed my concerns in a way that managed to keep us all friends, but the marriage was a disaster. She was also a dysfunctional alcoholic and it turned out to be the perfect fit for both of them in the end.
Yes he cheated on her with prostitutes, yes he rarely contributed anything to the house hold and she was the bread winner. They were both screwed up people.
John and I are on the other side of the coin. We knew each other only 8 weeks when we moved in together. I married him 7 months after we moved in together. That was 31 years ago and counting. When it's right, it's right. It doesn't matter if you marry years from when you met or weeks.
You can not possibly know what's going on inside your friends head. You're not her mother, nor her keeper. Let her make her own mistakes and help her through them. It could turn out to e the best thing that ever happened to her, or she gets divorced and moves on. You may or may not be there to share the ride depending on how you handle the situation.
Voice your concerns in a loving way, and be happy for her with whatever decision she makes.
I met my husband in November and we married the next June. We've been married 19 years. I knew he was the right person for me because we couldn't go a day without seeing each other, just couldn't stand to be apart.
If you haven't met the guy and you're just feeling like things are moving too fast, then you shouldn't say anything. If you meet him and he's got bad habits or is disrespectful to your friend or overly controlling or something like that, then you can decide whether to voice your concerns. But at this point, there's no reason for concern. Love and marriage don't happen on the same timeline for everyone. Some people date for years before getting married. Others know they've found the right person right away and things move faster for them. If he turns out to be the wrong person for her, divorce isn't impossible or terribly expensive.
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