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I have a brother about age 65. It's fine when he visits me, but when he visits other family members, he stays too long. He also always goes in, when dropping someone off. My father has mentioned this to me, and from a description my brother told me about how his daughter-in-law has been acting toward him lately, I suspect she feels the same way. He says that for the last several months, she goes into her room when he gets there, and doesn't talk to him.
He's divorced now for several years, after having been married most of his life (multiple marriages). I and others in the family have tried to get him to develop some hobbies because he has nothing to do. He spends his time taking his grandson to different places (he stays at the grandson's parents' house for hours at different times). He dotes on the boy. He takes him on several short vacations every year, takes him places every week, takes him to routine things like the library and such. He gives the parents money for the boy's clothes, specialty items, dental work, gifts.
I am the one who is closest to my brother. That doesn't make him my responsibility, I realize. He's a grown man. Despite my efforts to get him to find interests and adult friends, he says he has no interests. But that's why he goes "visiting" for long periods of time. I guess he doesn't see that he wears out his welcome. You know the one: the one who always stays after everyone else is gone, because as he sees it, he's family.
He's been very hurt a few times when family members have tried to break away by having a get together without him, clamping down on the time he can spend with the grandson, etc. Once he called me extremely hurt, and angry, that our niece was having a birthday party for her kids (our grand-nieces) that was just for kids, except for her mother (our sister). He wanted to go. I explained to him that it's normal that only kids go to birthday parties for kids. I reminded him that WE as kids never had uncles and aunts at our birthday parties. It's a kids' party. What's hard to understand about that? There was no getting through to him. (He's always right.)
He hasn't a clue why the daughter-in-law is acting weird, but I strongly suspect I know why. He goes over there all the time....and stays.
Should I say anything to him? If so, is there a way to say it gently? Maybe suggest he give going over there a break, giving the daughter-in-law a chance to have alone time w/her family? And then when he does go over there again in the future, keep it short. Suggest that maybe they need their privacy and alone time?
I should also mention that he is overly friendly when we stop to eat somewhere. He engages others in long conversations, esp. if they have a child w/them. He loves babies and little kids. My father has noticed this, too, and mentioned that some mothers are put off by that. My father asked if I ever said anything to him about it. I told my father I hadn't because I didn't know what to say. I finally did say somthing once when he talked to a little girl when her parents were away from their restaurant table. I told him quietly as we left that he shouldn't talk to children when their parents weren't there...that's what pedophiles do, and children should not be talking to strangers. He seemed embarrassed. It's really that he's lonely, I think, and really likes kids.
I've suggested to him joining a gym (he's out of shape), a dance club, bowling or other mild sport. He wasn't interested. What do men do to meet each other? He doesn't drink, so doesn't go to bars. Should I say something to him about staying too long at people's houses? He's never been good at social interaction, but it's gotten so much worse. I think he's using family members, even extended ones, as a crutch to fill a void.
Why doesn't his son talk to him? If grandpa is interfering with his family life and "taking over" things that are the parents responsibility then his son should tell him first. His son needs to tell him that he is overstaying his welcome at their house. You can reinforce and back up what his son tells him.
Please continue telling him to not be "overly friendly" with children that he does not know. He could easily run into a parent that is overly protective and calls the police or accuses him of improprieties. Or someone watching him go up to a child that he does not know may call the police.
You do not want a situation to develop into dangerous misunderstandings & miscommunications because your brother does not "read cues" very well.
If he really likes children suggest that he volunteer at a local elementary school or at the Boys & Girls Club or be an assistant coach for a YMCA sport (unless you think that he really could be a pedophile & then he should stay far, far away from children).
I would really encourage him to start going to a senior center or senior activities/exercise classes at the YMCA. He will have fun and meet new people that are his own age.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-31-2016 at 10:23 PM..
I've never been in that situation before. If my sibling or parent came over uninvited or over-stayed his welcome, I'd probably not spend the time sitting and chatting with him. I'd probably go about my day, doing chores or whatever, hoping he'd take the hint, or at least getting done what needed to be done regardless of his presence. If I needed to go somewhere, I'd politely tell him it was nice of him to stop by, but I need to get going to do xyz.
Does he not take hints, or are people not dropping them?
Wow he would make such a great voluteer for hospice, or meals on wheels or just going to hospitals or care facilities to visit with those who don't get many visitors. My deceased mother was in a memory care place and there were some volunteers who came by frequently to just be someone's friend. It added so very much to lonely folks' lives. Sure wish he could find it in his heart to volunteer in such a capacity.
I find it strange that he's there at his kid's place, overstaying his welcome... But he hasn't asked about the change in DIL's behavior, he just continues to be clueless? I get that perhaps there's a discomfort for them in relaying that he's not a good guest, but I wonder if he's trying to be obtused at their expense. And why is he giving them what sounds like a lot of money? That also is problematic.
If he's Mr. Right all the time, then you might as well cut to chase and not worry about hurting his feelings. His natural inclination will be to fight it regardless but the message needs to through. He needs to also be aware about the pedophile perception because even a false accusation will have a devastating effect.
If you're looking for a way to get him to do stuff, instead of suggesting that he do whatever, just have him accompany you to whatever the activities is. Have your dad ask him to "volunteer" with him at the Senior Center.
your brother is 65 and how old is your father then? As the other member said why his son cannot talk to him ? As well it is possible he missed his children growing up. If daughter in law is not comfortable with something then she need to speak it up. May be she going through something else. Sorry OP I did not experience that so hard to say...
Does he live near a hospital? He could be a volunteer and perhaps in the pediatric unit.
I have had this issue with my mother. She would overstay her welcome when visiting. She once stayed with us for almost two weeks. My DH kept asking when she was going to leave.
When she used to visit, I would tell her you can come this day and leave this day (she would visit on weekends) otherwise being retired she'd stay for who knows how long. I have a job, kids and other things going on.
His son needs to say something or start putting a time limit on visits. I'm assuming that his son/dil don't want to hurt his feelings. He's lonely. Maybe have them start meeting them away from the house. Lunch or dinner where there is a start/end time and they have something to go do afterwards.
It might be instructive to know why his marriages ended, whether it's an Aspergers-like inability to read facial expressions or he understands what he's doing but doesn't care how anyone else feels about it.
I don't think it's your job to find things for him to do. People need to set boundaries...and keep their doors locked. No one can get in unless you let them in.
The "why" of spending money on his grandson is easy. He's buying access. Added to everything else (his inappropriate interactions with children in public), it's creepy.
I'd tell the folks who are complaining to you behind his back to talk to him, not you.
You need to continue being his supportive sibling. If he asks you, then you share your opinion.
Regarding his talking to a child who's been left unattended, its ok to remind him how things can be misconceived (see above comment) because of some bad people, all people are suspect. ...But, where are those parents...they should be the ones getting a lecture.
Your brother sounds caring and nurturing, love him.
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