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Hello, I retired and moved closer to my daughter. She's married, has a full time job, no kids, and three dogs. She owns a home, and I moved a couple of miles from them. So far so good right? Wrong. Moving closer to her was the worst thing I could have ever done. Almost every week, her husband makes a visit to the emergency room for treatment. If it not shoulder pain, is constipation, an abscess in the mouth, food poisoning, and the list goes on. My daughter stays with him in the ER until late hours of the night. It may all turn out to be not too serious, because he never comes home with prescriptions, and only gets Xrays and blood work done, and is discharged home. My daughter works from 8 AM until 6 PM, and because she is middle-management, she is on call 24/7. There are plenty of times, when she's "supposedly off work", but you'll find her either on the phone with her job for hours, or has to physically go to work and take care of the problem. She makes good money, but I estimate she works approximately 50 - 65 hours a week, and sometimes more. She is salaried, so no over time for her efforts there.
She usually calls me on her way home, and 99% of the times, she stops by the grocery store to buy groceries. Then she goes home, cooks dinner, or orders out. She is very overweight. Her husband stays home, but its my daughter the one who cooks, buy groceries, and even take the dogs to the vet for their yearly health checks on Saturdays. She also cleans and does the laundry on weekends. My daughter's stepson is eighteen years old, he does not work, still in high school, and does not seem to be interested even in obtaining a restricted license. He comes from school, plays video games and talks with his friends. During weekends, he stays up until 4 or 5 AM then sleeps until 3 or 4 PM. I think these two individuals are taking advantage of my daughter. ( I know, she is letting them get away with it too) On holidays, I get invited to their home for a meal. My daughter cooks, serves, and cleans the dishes. During these visits, he usually complaints about not feeling well and goes to his room immediately after we eat. The rest of the time, if I happen to drive there to pick/or bring something for my daughter, or pick my step grandson, I am told by her husband, to wait outside in the car while he gets ready. (sometimes I wait 10 or 15 minutes) When I first moved, we went out for a meal almost every Friday. I would pay for the meal one week, and the next week it was their turn. This was not the best arrangement. After all, there are three of them, and one of me, so one week I told them I was going to start just paying my own. Those weekly trips then began to drizzle out until now when there we go out once every three or four months. All of this is fine. It does not bother me. The problem is that my daughter's physical health is starting to give off signs of trouble, and I think this is caused by her constant activity, stress, and life style of eating. She does not assert herself, nor with the people at her job, nor with her family. I understand its her life, but I am finding it very hard to emotionally detach from her situation. I am starting to be very depressed, I sleep a lot, avoid going out. Don't quite know what to do. Thanks.
I understand that this is your daughter and you love her, probably more than she loves herself.
I think the only thing you can do is to tell her how you feel. Acknowledge that it's your feelings and she's certainly entitled to live her life as she chooses.
Then as mentioned above, meet other people and find other interests. Won't be easy but you really can't do for her.
My son has been married three times. First wife divorced him and then died. Second wife, I think he divorced her. Third wife...... oh my gosh, I can't begin to tell you what a mistake that was.
What I can say is be very careful if you try to point out her husband's shortcomings. No matter what they are. No matter how you feel he is adversely affecting her life. That is the quickest way to alienating you from your daughter.
What others have suggested here regarding finding some friends, getting involved in things you enjoy doing, etc. Maybe find a counselor who can teach how to detach with love. It can be done. But it does take effort and determination.
One of the worst things in the world is to be a witness to the questionable choices of an adult child. As much as we want to, we want to just shake some sense into them and send them to their room, like we used to.
But we can't. We just have to cross our fingers, and hope that they come out ok on the other side.
You said her husband stays home, so I'm assuming that means he is unemployed or possibly self employed. If it's the former, my guess is that he's taking advantage of her, as well as the 18 year old stepson.
Right now the best things you can do is be available for your daughter, take care of yourself so you don't become another burden, and be a shoulder to cry on if necessary.
It's gotta be incredible hard to accept that your daughter is allowing her deadbeat husband and son in law to use her like she is....sorry you have to see this.
She needs to start treating her family like the adults they are. She needs to quit holding the hand of her very immature husband when he goes to the hospital. Maybe he wouldn't complain or seek hospitalization if she didn't support him with it all the time...and let him go on his OWN.
It's ridiculous that she stays at the hospital with him...wasting her time.
I can understand how that would become very depressing for you to see.
My suggestion would be that you don't allow them to use you, like they do your daughter.
Make a life of your own...exclusive from your son in law...and do like sweetana3 suggests.
Maybe...with you near...your daughter will see that not all men are babies that require a woman to hold their hands whenever they cry or snivel and wimp about their aches and pains.
Help your daughter to rebuild her self esteem..to understand that she's enabling her family to depend on her too much.
Help her to understand that there's no reason that her husband can't get the groceries or cook meals for her...especially since she's the one bringing in the dough, and working long hours out of the house, while he's at home.
Help her to understand that just because she's the woman doesn't mean she has to do all the chores (shopping, cooking ,laundry etc)
Help her to understand that sharing a life with someone is just that..... SHARING...not just her doing it all.
Take just HER out for dinner occasionally...you could pull her seat out for her...open the door for her...treat her like the special person she is...show her how a REAL man respects a woman...and enjoys doing so.
Maybe she needs to experience that to know that it's even real....even if it is from her father.
Don't let depression get you...good luck to you, and your giving, caring daughter.
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