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My wife and I are having lunch with another couple (my friend and his GF). We planned this lunch outing earlier in the week. It was going to be a casual lunch on a Sunday. All of us are in our early to mid 30s. The day before the outing, I rec'd a text from my friend asking if it's ok for his cousin (late 40s) to join us for lunch. I said "sure" since it would be awkward to say no.
Some general context. I am really good friend with my buddy (over 10 years). My wife and I have been married for 2 years. My friend has gotten to know my wife over the years. He has a new GF. We met her for the first time in a large group gathering (BBQ) a few months ago. This lunch outing was not meant to be "romantic" but we are hoping to get to know the new GF better on a more personal level. We have never met his cousin before. He is about 15 years older than all of us and showing up solo. The cousin is in town this weekend.
My initial reaction was that I was a bit surprised he asked to bring his cousin along to the double date. My second reaction was being a bit ticked off. I had no idea his cousin was in town. If that's the case, my buddy should have suggested another weekend for the lunch outing. I felt like my buddy was trying to hit two birds with one stone (entertain his cousin while catching up with my wife and I).
What is the correct etiquette? 1) If it was right for my friend to bring up the idea 2) Response to the request
Does this situation happens often? It has never occurred in my mind to do such a thing. I find it kinda of rude but maybe it's just me.
He didn't want to back out on your plans, and his cousin is in town. My take is he thought this would be an ok mix. If you don't want to go, tell him that you will catch up with them later, but don't stew about it.
I have had this happen before, and I just hate it. There is no way you can really say what you would like to say, which is, "Um, thanks but no, we aren't really interested in spending a chunk of our precious free time with a total stranger."
IMO when people do this it is rude and yes, kind of insulting, like either they need an extra person to make it interesting enough for them to spend time with you, or they don't know how to fill all the time while this guy is visiting so they plan to foist him on you and let you entertain him, or like you said, they can kill two birds with one stone.
I think you did the only thing you could do. The awful thing is that at the point when they have made the request, there isn't one thing you can say to avoid it happening that doesn't make you sound like a jerk, when they are the ones who are being inappropriate.
I don't think it's a big deal. Maybe your friend is a social guy and thinks others are as social as him and that you might actually enjoy meeting his cousin. I would only think it's weird if you see your friend rarely and this was a real catch up double date. But if you hang out with your friend on a pretty regular basis (several times a year), it's not that big a deal.
I do agree with whoever said your friend is probably trying to kill two birds with one stone, but thought it would be a nice mix, as SolaireSolstice said.
Some more context. My friend and his GF is coming back from being out of town the morning of the lunch. He asked us to set the time of the lunch to 1pm to ensure they can make it. My wife and I usually eat lunch around 12pm. She is pregnant in her 3rd trimester - she will probably snack on something before our lunch to keep from starving. We agreed to the 1pm so that all parties can make it. When I got the text about the cousin, it ticked me off some more....it is an extra accommodation we are making. I feel like I have to entertain a person I have never met with my precious free time on the weekend.
Since my wife is pregnant, some of the conversation usually revolve around that topic when we meet with our friends (how's pregnancy, baby names, nursery plans, etc). I think it's a personal and intimate topic I don't mind sharing with my friends and family but not to a total stranger that is forced upon me. Heck, we barely know his new GF and the cousin is just a random person.
I just texted my friend: "Hey - let's reschedule lunch for another time". I did not give him a reason. I will let him initiate the next outing....I am not going to be the one to do so.
He didn't want to back out on your plans, and his cousin is in town. My take is he thought this would be an ok mix. If you don't want to go, tell him that you will catch up with them later, but don't stew about it.
Yes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by capitalhockey
Some more context. My friend and his GF is coming back from being out of town the morning of the lunch. He asked us to set the time of the lunch to 1pm to ensure they can make it. My wife and I usually eat lunch around 12pm. She is pregnant in her 3rd trimester - she will probably snack on something before our lunch to keep from starving. We agreed to the 1pm so that all parties can make it. When I got the text about the cousin, it ticked me off some more....it is an extra accommodation we are making. I feel like I have to entertain a person I have never met with my precious free time on the weekend.
Since my wife is pregnant, some of the conversation usually revolve around that topic when we meet with our friends (how's pregnancy, baby names, nursery plans, etc). I think it's a personal and intimate topic I don't mind sharing with my friends and family but not to a total stranger that is forced upon me. Heck, we barely know his new GF and the cousin is just a random person.
I just texted my friend: "Hey - let's reschedule lunch for another time". I did not give him a reason. I will let him initiate the next outing....I am not going to be the one to do so.
Good grief, it's starting to sound as though you did your friend a favor. Your excitement over the impending birth is not likely to be shared by the others.
He didn't want to back out on your plans, and his cousin is in town. My take is he thought this would be an ok mix. If you don't want to go, tell him that you will catch up with them later, but don't stew about it.
Pretty much!
So you would be happier if he canceled last minute, as his cousin is in town?
I would rather add another to the mix than not go out at all. It is fun to meet new people and get new perspectives!
My wife and I are having lunch with another couple (my friend and his GF). We planned this lunch outing earlier in the week. It was going to be a casual lunch on a Sunday. All of us are in our early to mid 30s. The day before the outing, I rec'd a text from my friend asking if it's ok for his cousin (late 40s) to join us for lunch. I said "sure" since it would be awkward to say no.
Some general context. I am really good friend with my buddy (over 10 years). My wife and I have been married for 2 years. My friend has gotten to know my wife over the years. He has a new GF. We met her for the first time in a large group gathering (BBQ) a few months ago. This lunch outing was not meant to be "romantic" but we are hoping to get to know the new GF better on a more personal level. We have never met his cousin before. He is about 15 years older than all of us and showing up solo. The cousin is in town this weekend.
My initial reaction was that I was a bit surprised he asked to bring his cousin along to the double date. My second reaction was being a bit ticked off. I had no idea his cousin was in town. If that's the case, my buddy should have suggested another weekend for the lunch outing. I felt like my buddy was trying to hit two birds with one stone (entertain his cousin while catching up with my wife and I).
What is the correct etiquette? 1) If it was right for my friend to bring up the idea 2) Response to the request
Does this situation happens often? It has never occurred in my mind to do such a thing. I find it kinda of rude but maybe it's just me.
You said "Sure" but obviously didn't mean it. Don't blame your friend.
Your accusations about your friend, underlined above are very childish imo.
next time something like this happens - and these things *do* happen - you can easily say something like "oh, you know what? wife and I were actually looking forward to it being just the four of us. why don't you spend time with your cousin and we can do lunch next week"
You don't want the cousin there because you insist on the conversation being all about you, you and -- let's not forget -- you.
Baby stuff is utterly fascinating to those who are hip deep in it and boring as crap to everyone else.
Yes, I think you made the right call in canceling.
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