Passive vs Non-Passive friends. No communication and feeling sad about it. What to do? (jealous, person)
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So, I'm in a bind. I'll admit that my friend and I do have history and it is because of that history that we are not currently talking. I actually stopped talking to her because after the big move that we did (yes, we live together. No, it wasn't the smartest of ideas in hindsight) I finally got to relax and breathe and then my feelings from the "not-relationship" we had came crashing down on me. I never got over it, I suppose. Then again, the ending of the not-relationship happened a week before we moved, so really I didn't have time to process it.
Anyway, she is the passive one in the friendship -- non-confrontational, acts like everything's sunshine and roses. I can be very emotional, somewhat confrontational, but can mask my feelings to an extent (except for when I'm upset. It reads on my face. I also cannot do the smiles and laughter with someone who I am very upset with, so I've had to distance myself from our new roommate because my friend is with her morning and night. No, I am not jealous and I think the roommate is a very nice girl.). If something is wrong, I want to talk it out. It's comes from the way I was raised; growing up, my mom always made sure I never went to bed angry so we would always talk (read: yell) it out and then make up. These past few nights I have been going to bed angry and it has truly been affecting me.
I don't have this in the relationships section because it's not even about the not-relationship, it's about how her passivity is affecting my friendship with her. It's truly to the point where I can't even bring myself to make eye contact with her and she doesn't even try to ask why. I don't get it. If a friend, a "best friend" as she has called me, is upset with me I want to know what's wrong immediately. Let's talk it out! Let's communicate. She seems content to just not say or do anything to save the friendship or let it die.
I know that I'm probably going to get responses like, "Well, you were the one who stopped talking to her. Maybe you should start again." but I need you to understand that I feel like I'm the one who has to pull teeth when it comes to getting her to show emotions or act like she cares about anything. I sent her a text (I hate communicating via text but that's the easiest way to get her to talk about real issues) telling her that I didn't think she cared and she texted me back saying that she did, but here's my point -- SHE LIVES WITH ME. I even told her this the last time I was upset (this is when my feelings started creeping back up) that if she really wanted to ask me a question, she should ask me in person. Didn't get a question out of her when I came home. Apparently she was annoyed that I said she didn't have feelings, so... come up and show me that you do. Act like you give a ****. That's all I ask. It really, really is.
I'm sorry for the long rant but it just annoys me so that she's acting like there's nothing wrong even though there's a huge elephant in the room, yet she's content to drink beer and giggle with our roommate (the roommate has no idea what's happening and I'm trying to keep it that way for her sake) out on the porch. Maybe it's because I'm feeling extra emotional right now, but it feels callous.
I know that a lot of this is my fault, too, and I take full blame for my actions, but I am not the only one in this friendship. I can't be the only one wishing for a way to get the other person to freaking emote.
Have you considered that perhaps you're too emotional (reference to yelling rather than just discussing) and that anyone that has already gone through this with you would rather avoid it?
Many people can deal with things without getting emotional( I can't be the only one wishing for a way to get the other person to freaking emote.) Maybe to you that is a sign of caring but to somebody else it may be unneccessary drama.
Actually I've usually gotten that I'm too unemotional and rational because I am an over thinker. I rarely let my feelings get in the way unless I truly feel like I've been hurt by someone close to me. I brought up the very emotional part because of how sad I currently am about the situation. I want to have a rational conversation with her but because I'm hurting so much right I think I probably would start getting loud. In turn, she will shut down, so we would end up getting nowhere.
Your friend sounds like she is just a very non confrontational person, and likes to look at the bright side of life...you sound like you're trying to force an issue in the hopes that she'll respond in the way you feel she should...you can't change the way she is....if you want to talk things out, it's up to you to begin the "rational" conversation, but first I guess you'll have to make a concerted effort to control your anger, or like you said it'll "end up getting nowhere'....it's not up to her to ask questions(and yes, she may really care), it's up to you to sit with her and explain how you're feeling, and why, though it sounds to me that you could be jealous of her upbeat personality, and envious of her other friend, and THAT could be the "huge elephant" that's in the room.
Your post reads an awful lot like you expect people to behave the way you would under the same circumstances and you’ve having difficulty understanding why someone would not be exactly like you. You’re making an awful lot of demands on your friend here: “Act like you give a ****.” “If something is wrong I want to talk it out.” “I can’t be the only one wishing for a way to get the other person to freaking emote.” Who says she has to?! Who says she has to do or be what you want? I’m guessing the more you pressure her to react and the more emotional you get, the more she’s going to shut down. You’ve already said she’s the non-confrontational one – do you really expect her to suddenly change her personality?
Yes, I get that it’s frustrating BUT you have to accept that this not going to change. Remember the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You don’t like the situation or how it’s being handled so maybe you could change your approach? Sit down and try to have an actual conversation where you both express your feelings calmly and quietly. Don’t get angry, don’t get emotional. If you feel yourself starting to react, maybe walk around the room or even go outside for a few seconds. Be honest and say you really need to get this out in the open so it’s not hanging over your friendship for all eternity. If she refuses to engage then at least you know you tried and maybe it’s time to move onto a different friendship.
Your friend sounds like she is just a very non confrontational person, and likes to look at the bright side of life...you sound like you're trying to force an issue in the hopes that she'll respond in the way you feel she should...you can't change the way she is....if you want to talk things out, it's up to you to begin the "rational" conversation, but first I guess you'll have to make a concerted effort to control your anger, or like you said it'll "end up getting nowhere'....it's not up to her to ask questions(and yes, she may really care), it's up to you to sit with her and explain how you're feeling, and why, though it sounds to me that you could be jealous of her upbeat personality, and envious of her other friend, and THAT could be the "huge elephant" that's in the room.
I am not jealous of her personality nor the other roommate, though I knew that would come up. Seems like a logical conclusion, but I'm not really someone who gets jealous. I am an introvert, I keep a small, close unit of friends close to my heart, and I like it that way. I've had previous friendships that have fizzled out and have never felt as hurt as over this one. In fact, the reason we got a roommate was more for her sake than mine. I know she's extroverted plus she comes from a big family and is used to having people around. We're In a completely new city and I wanted her to bond with the roommate because I know she likes to have many friends.
I know that I'm probably going to have to be the one to sit her down, but it's like, "Why must I always have to be that person?" Maybe I'm asking her to be a mind reader, but how can she see her friend upset and not even be remotely curious as to why? To me, it feels like she doesn't care enough to ask. I'm tired of having to do the chasing when the going gets tough.
I went ahead and talked to her because the roommate was still asleep. I basically told her What I said here and I don't feel any better. I didn't overreact, I kept my voice low and the topic straight to the point. She basically said something along the lines of, "I don't know what I can do to make things better and I didn't realize you were upset." that was it really. I don't know whatI was expecting because honestly I didn't even have an idea of what I wanted her to say other than just showing something other than blank face. Then the roommate came out of her room and I cut the discussion short and retreated.
I am probably going to lie down for a bit. I got very little sleep last night. Thank you to those who have already responded.
I hate to suggest this but perhaps it's a relationship that's run its course? If it's causing you this much distress it might well be time to let it go. You made the effort to talk with her - she evidently doesn't get it or doesn't want to. You care about this person, you care about the friendship, but not all friendships last forever and sometimes you have to be the one who walks away.
An unfortunate part of me is still unhappy with the ways things ended from the not-relationship (through fb chat, not even a phone call --this was from when we lived 4 1/2 hrs apart so of course I didn't expect her to swoop in on a flight and tell me in person) and those feelings cropped up after my mind settled from the move in. I'm sure that if we weren't living together this topic wouldn't even exist and I would have worked myself through it like the other times I've been hurt (not romantically. Hopefully you get what I'm saying here).
The biggest difference from when I've gotten hurt badly was that I never saw the person again or I completely cut myself off from them. I apparently need to basically forget about the person in order to heal. In this situation, the person who hurt me shares a bedroom wall and I can't run from her. I feel very trapped and am trying to not become a slave to my emotions. Lately, I have been running out of the house and staying away for hours at a time because I feel stifled. I've never felt this way in particular before so, it's like my feelings are compounding (we were great friends before anything happened between us, so I feel it has a lot to with why I'm unhappy. You neevr forget your first?). I'm not working right now and school doesn't start for another 10 days, so all I can does ruminate in my sadness.
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