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(I'm using gender-neutral pronouns - they, them - because I think that's the most appropriate in this case for personal reasons. Please bear with that even though it's an awkward read.)
My parent, now age 73 or so, has never been a nice person and shows no signs of changing or mellowing. They have a horrible temper and are constantly angry, flying off the handle at any little thing. Being around them is like being around a time bomb even if they are seemingly in a happy mood. They hold us all hostage with their hair trigger temper and tantrums. They have a long history of having trouble at work due to their personality and they never seem to learn the lesson, instead blaming everyone else for all their woes.
Our family dynamic is strained to the maximum, and that's putting it generously. No one in my family likes this person. We all avoid them as much as possible. Our family has scattered to the four winds and never spends time together, in large part because of this person and the way their temper and personality have affected the family over the years (decades). Their own family (brothers, sisters, etc) never calls or talks to this person and I'm guessing that the reason is the same.
My parent has recently retired with the intention of getting another job, but at that age with a history of being very difficult, they are facing an uphill battle to say the least. I've heard them saying over the phone that they were threatened with termination at their last job due to attitude issues and that's why they retired. This is the second time they have retired from a job because of this issue. They have already taken one new job since the second retirement, that ended abruptly after just a few weeks. Of course my parent blames someone else for being booted from that job too.
I have been around my folks' house more than usual lately because one of my parents has had a health issue, but I can't stand it anymore.
I truly hate being around this person and even when they are trying to be nice, it just rings hollow and I can't wait to get out of there because I know that they are soon going to turn into The Monster again. They invite me to lunch all the time but I never go because every single time they end up flying off the handle at the server due to some imagined slight. It's embarrassing and completely inappropriate.
I was estranged from them for a long, long time because of all this, but ultimately agreed to get back into contact to make things easier on my other parent, but I have no desire to be around or be in contact with this person at all and wish I hadn't gotten back in touch. At least I know for certain that this person is still the complete jerk I always thought them to be.
The worst part is I've been afraid for a very long time that this person will end up doing something nuts, like shooting my other parent in their sleep or something like that. When I visit overnight I worry that "tonight's the night" and they are going to kill us all and then kill themselves. (They have never said or done anything specific to make me feel that way but it just seems like something they would end up doing, especially now that they have no job and no prospects to keep them busy.)
I figure my best bet is to just cut ties again, move far away, and be very vague about all my plans again, but I just wondered what other citydata-ers had to say. Anyone had a similar experience or a similar relative? Words of wisdom? Anything? I just don't understand how a person can live their entire life like this and never learn one single thing at all. How can someone be just so awful and unpleasant to everyone in their life? How can they never clue in that they are the problem?
What does the other parent say? Any concern on the other parent's part of being killed while they sleep? Or how about the other parent's concern for you?
What does the other parent say? Any concern on the other parent's part of being killed while they sleep? Or how about the other parent's concern for you?
The other parent dislikes this person as much as I, but they stay married because of co-dependency and (if you ask me) some weird competition to see who will "win," as in, who will survive the other and get and keep the house and all the stuff. They are determined that the other parent will die soon ("soon" has been the answer for twenty years) and THEN they plan to start living their life again.
I haven't asked my other parent about the shooting thing. I am quite frankly afraid for the answer.
The other parent has really never stood up to protect us kids from this person and I don't expect them to start now. The other parent has a real martyr complex, if I talk to them about the problems they will pretty much blame me, for example: "well I had to put up with it to put you through college" or whatever.
Well yes. It is toxic. And I am out - I'm an adult. I am just looking for some discussion/insight on this. Or maybe you're right, and I should just put it out of my mind and cut off ties again.
Are there firearms in the house? Has this parent ever physically harmed one of your family members?
Can you meet the other parent outside the home, without volcano parent?
(I'm using gender-neutral pronouns - they, them - because I think that's the most appropriate in this case for personal reasons. Please bear with that even though it's an awkward read.)
My parent, now age 73 or so, has never been a nice person and shows no signs of changing or mellowing. They have a horrible temper and are constantly angry, flying off the handle at any little thing. Being around them is like being around a time bomb even if they are seemingly in a happy mood. They hold us all hostage with their hair trigger temper and tantrums. They have a long history of having trouble at work due to their personality and they never seem to learn the lesson, instead blaming everyone else for all their woes.
Our family dynamic is strained to the maximum, and that's putting it generously. No one in my family likes this person. We all avoid them as much as possible. Our family has scattered to the four winds and never spends time together, in large part because of this person and the way their temper and personality have affected the family over the years (decades). Their own family (brothers, sisters, etc) never calls or talks to this person and I'm guessing that the reason is the same.
My parent has recently retired with the intention of getting another job, but at that age with a history of being very difficult, they are facing an uphill battle to say the least. I've heard them saying over the phone that they were threatened with termination at their last job due to attitude issues and that's why they retired. This is the second time they have retired from a job because of this issue. They have already taken one new job since the second retirement, that ended abruptly after just a few weeks. Of course my parent blames someone else for being booted from that job too.
I have been around my folks' house more than usual lately because one of my parents has had a health issue, but I can't stand it anymore.
I truly hate being around this person and even when they are trying to be nice, it just rings hollow and I can't wait to get out of there because I know that they are soon going to turn into The Monster again. They invite me to lunch all the time but I never go because every single time they end up flying off the handle at the server due to some imagined slight. It's embarrassing and completely inappropriate.
I was estranged from them for a long, long time because of all this, but ultimately agreed to get back into contact to make things easier on my other parent, but I have no desire to be around or be in contact with this person at all and wish I hadn't gotten back in touch. At least I know for certain that this person is still the complete jerk I always thought them to be.
The worst part is I've been afraid for a very long time that this person will end up doing something nuts, like shooting my other parent in their sleep or something like that. When I visit overnight I worry that "tonight's the night" and they are going to kill us all and then kill themselves. (They have never said or done anything specific to make me feel that way but it just seems like something they would end up doing, especially now that they have no job and no prospects to keep them busy.)
I figure my best bet is to just cut ties again, move far away, and be very vague about all my plans again, but I just wondered what other citydata-ers had to say. Anyone had a similar experience or a similar relative? Words of wisdom? Anything? I just don't understand how a person can live their entire life like this and never learn one single thing at all. How can someone be just so awful and unpleasant to everyone in their life? How can they never clue in that they are the problem?
This person sounds like my ex husband. After leaving him 10 years ago, I was amazed at the difference it made being away from that toxicity. And I made sure I moved far enough away that there would be no chance of him affecting my life.
My suggestion is to distance yourself as much as possible. If your life was better when you were estranged, it's a no-brainer. Doesn't sound as though this person - even if a parent - is contributing to the quality of your life.
This person sounds like my ex husband. After leaving him 10 years ago, I was amazed at the difference it made being away from that toxicity. And I made sure I moved far enough away that there would be no chance of him affecting my life.
My suggestion is to distance yourself as much as possible. If your life was better when you were estranged, it's a no-brainer. Doesn't sound as though this person - even if a parent - is contributing to the quality of your life.
I agree 100%.
Both of my parents were toxic. I cut off contact with them years ago, after a period of time when they were sulking and not speaking to me led me to realize that my life was more peaceful without them in it.
In spite of society's emphasis on the wonders of family, and the media's "Hallmark Moment" images of Mom & Dad and two perfect children smiling just as hard as they can, sometimes family just isn't all that wonderful. Sometimes your family are your worst enemies.
The worst part is I've been afraid for a very long time that this person will end up doing something nuts, like shooting my other parent in their sleep or something like that. When I visit overnight I worry that "tonight's the night" and they are going to kill us all and then kill themselves. (They have never said or done anything specific to make me feel that way but it just seems like something they would end up doing, especially now that they have no job and no prospects to keep them busy.)
Your fear that a parent, now unemployed and with no history of any kind of violence, will go on a killing spree seems a little extreme.
Have you considered talking this out with a therapist?
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