is this defensiveness or is there a deeper meaning? (wife, father, siblings)
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This is a bit convoluted so I am hoping to give as much detailed but as little information possible. And in doing so, I hope you can draw some parallels without me having to create such a long thread and going through all of the back story.
The family dynamics in my family have been all over the place with a few members even seeing mental therapists. My relationship with my siblings have gotten a whole lot better except for 1- we will call him C. Keep in mind that all three live in the same area and I live out of state. I have always felt some distance between myself and C. He is similar to our father in which he doesn't show emotions upfront but will share it afterwards in private. The other siblings and I are more into sharing our emotions. As a result, I have always made myself available but never went there with C or approached him about serious issues for fear of him becoming defensive as he did in the past. As a matter of fact, others have also made the observation of us being distant. C didn't call me when I daughter had an open heart surgery but was offended that I had told the others and not him. However, every time in the past, where I would bring an issue up, he would take such a defensive stance and felt as if I was criticizing him. Honestly, I have always been the one in the family to be criticized over being too analytical and asking too many nerve touching questions, which make people uncomfortable. As a result, I learned and have made efforts to not do so. But due to everyone keeping silent and being afraid to speak up, this is what got us into this mess- poor communication. I recently found out only through facebook that my other brother had almost died due to a freak accident. My sister apologized for not calling me and said so much was going on. I understood since I don't live near them. I also understand the "out of sight, out of mind" concept and so I didn't not dwell on it. However, I did tell my brother and sister that we need to communicate and not keep these important things from each other. It's a bad habit that the family suffers from in that we don't pay close attention to the smaller details.
C also has a toddler who was recently been diagnosed with a mental condition. Prior to that, the son had been seeing a therapist to determine whether or not it would pass over with age. Furthermore, every time I see C, he immediately brings up the therapy/condition issue while I am trying to tap dance and act like the child is normal- to alleviate any tension. Me being the intuitive type and can pick up on certain body language, it feels as if he and his wife are always trying to prevent us from being alarmed by any of their son's actions since I don't see them often. As a result of all of this, we the family feel as if C and his wife often shield the son by not bringing him to family events. There have also been many times when I came to visit the family at my mother's and C/wife said they would come to the house but never did- leaving us wondering. Over this past thanksgiving weekend, C was almost forced to come to the house to visit and only he showed up without his wife, after he being harassed by my mother and other siblings to come to the house. I felt a little strange in that he was being pressured by all of this and it made me not even want to be there. So as soon as we were literally out the door, he shows up. And within seconds, he brings up that "the therapist says this and that". So I naturally feel bad as I totally get it as I too am a private person and don't like stress. But they also make things difficult because when people pass it off as if their son is going to be fine, they respond by saying that "he is not ok". When others remain silent, they get upset for them doing so. It's a no win situation and I am trying to be patient and understanding but there comes a time where we have to be rational.
This brings me to the conclusion- last night, during dinner, as soon as I exchanged pleasantries with his wife, she went on to tell me that their son was officially diagnosed. C came over and decided to get into the conversation. His wife apologized for over stepping any boundaries by telling me before my brother did. The father in-law then came over and said that "you know, so and so is not retarded, he knows exactly what is happening". Again, that was totally out of nowhere and felt like a very defensive measure. So I pulled my brother aside and told him that I am there for him and he doesn't need to feel rushed to express certain things to me. And even though I am aware of the situation, I will not look or treat his child any differently. I made a reference to the thanksgiving weekend where I knew he was stressed out and felt compelled to blurt out his son's issue. I told him that I am aware of his stresses and that he didn't need to take any extra steps with me. He then took offense in saying that I have no right to tell him when or when not to address his son's issue to me. He felt that I had been criticizing him and that I was one of the only 3 people that he expressed this too. Me being shocked, I told him that although I appreciate this, I was also not aware of this because of the distance we seem to have between us and I felt I could not talk to him. He then became more defensive in saying that I was again criticizing him even more for his failures. I even made mention that we as a family need to communicate more and even our other siblings noticed our distance. However, he took it as if I meant that he was distance among everyone in the family. I clarified in saying that it was with only me only but he insisted that I meant that he was distant with everyone. This is when he became frustrated and pulled everyone together to discuss. I tried so hard not to go there and made every effort to not stress him out. But evidently, it backfired.. I even went as far as saying that we ALL need to do a better job as a family, not individually. But non of that mattered because he was past the point of no return.
The discussion ended and we exchanged hugs and kisses but again, the original feelings towards all of this remain the same- I still don't know what the underlying issues are and that I was again messing things up during a family gathering. Despite my father sending him letters, C won't respond to him. I also feel that going fwd, I can't even discuss certain things with him and confront him like I do with the other siblings. It's like a no win situation and I am more concerned about him. But if I express that to him, he will blow up.
It's a real mess because nobody wants to address these issues and keep quiet... I tried to do the same and tip toe but then it backfired on me..
I don't think you can fix this or figure out what the right thing is to do or say. However, it seems like C's wife is a "normal" person with whom you can gave good communication, so you might stick with her. C strikes me as the kind of person who is feeling guilt or shame about many things, including his child, so anything you say to him will be interpreted through that mental filter.
I don't think you can fix this or figure out what the right thing is to do or say. However, it seems like C's wife is a "normal" person with whom you can gave good communication, so you might stick with her. C strikes me as the kind of person who is feeling guilt or shame about many things, including his child, so anything you say to him will be interpreted through that mental filter.
I appreciate your response. again, I'm trying hard not to point fingers but I think you are right in your assessment.
I don't think you can fix this or figure out what the right thing is to do or say. However, it seems like C's wife is a "normal" person with whom you can gave good communication, so you might stick with her. C strikes me as the kind of person who is feeling guilt or shame about many things, including his child, so anything you say to him will be interpreted through that mental filter.
Thanks. I don't see them often enough to have a conversation with the wife alone. But I totally get where you are coming from.
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