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(A long story..)I have had this friend for around 17 years now, since elementary school and we are currently both 28. We have never really been close friends, in school it was more like hanging in a group than spending time with two of us though I was the only one whom she kept contact with after elementary school. (she went to a different high school.) I think that our friendship would have long gone if she didn’t continued contacting me, we have had different life situations ever since elementary school. She moved out of home at the age of 16, got married and- pregnant an early age and nowadays I’m still living alone (though have a boyfriend) and finishing my studies.
During these years of friendship we have seen each other rarely, a few times in a year and no contact in-between. There have been years I haven’t heard a thing from her but then suddenly after years she might contact me again. For instance last year I sent her birthdays wishes, she replied and that’s about it, no further discussion even though she was pregnant already back then. Didn’t hear from her at all last year but then read at the end of the year that she had gotten a baby.
Our meetings have been rather casual, going to concert, movie, dinner or to bar and we have thought back ”the old times ” even then I have felt that I have needed to really make an effort to have something to talk about so at times it has actually been quite awkward to meet her.
Nowadays she has been on a maternity leave for almost a year now and during that time she has been contacting me several times. To be honest I have felt pressured and a bit anguished over these contacts. She might have sent me a message in Whatsapp and if I haven’t answered it for a few hours she have sent me an other message in Facebook- that she just wanted to know when we can see each other. I have answered her that I’m so busy with studies now etc. And that I will contact her in a few weeks. Then I always have contacted her but for example a few times before I even managed to reply her she had already texted me again and asked whether my ”being busy” is gone already.
Last time she sent me a message while I was on a holiday trip and I answered her that I will reply her when I get back home. So I didn’t even say the specific date when I would be coming back. After the trip I went to my parents’ for two weeks and after that contacted her. She invited me to her place, I replied that she could also come to my place as well. Then she kind of freaked out, she started blaming me of how I always have something; studies, visiting my parents and how I let her to wait for my contact and what is my problem that how hard it can be to visit her that she has been asking me to visit her for two years now.
First of all it certainly isn’t two years that she has been asking me to her place as I didn’t even hear from her a year ago. She has mentioned that if I could come to her place but I thought I was reading between the lines that she has actually wanted to go somewhere else as she had told me how she is 24/7 at home and needed something else. Also, she had been asking me to dinner or bar previously (or that’s what our friendship was all about) so I kind of thought that ”my role” was to be the childless ”fun” friend to hang out, and that she would have different things with her momfriends.
She mentioned that how she just wanted to have a close friend and to see often in her house during weekdays as that's what she needed currently on a maternity leave.
I understand her point of view but at the same time got offended of her accusations. I mean we have seen us rarely over the times and now that she is on a maternity leave she suddenly ”assumes” that we could see each other often and since I’m busy begins accusing me.
I have my ”own personal problems” and I have needed some time of my own and I actually love to spend time alone at home, also have two close friends and a boyfriend. So I don’t really have energy or motivation to ”change our relationship” to something deeper. She also told me how nobody wants to see her, I think with ”nobody” se related to her old high school friends. I think she is unable to understand that life goes on and if old friends and are willing to catch up it’s great but you can’t start accusing them if they don’t. I’d understand the situation if we lived in a small city and I’d be her only possible contact but we live in a rather big city with a lot of activities to moms and babies.
Have I done something wrong, have I given ”false hopes” and has it been wrong to let her wait my contact? I just think that friendship should be based on voluntary not on pleasing one another or feeling obliged to meet. What I meant that it has been nice to meet her casually once in a while but I got offended of the accusations that I "let her wait" and wasn't available for meeting more often.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 09-01-2016 at 06:51 PM..
Reason: .Deleted the reference to Facebook asin sccordsnce to the sticky post stop forum
it can work both ways, I met a friend and we became close. She moved to the next town over and said we will keep in touch and hang out together do lunch etc. She moved away 3 months ago and I have been lucky twice. she found time to see me. I would text her an mention getting together but there would be no response to my email. Just this last week end she said oh I'm on my way to a fair to eat clams and drink beer I promise we will get together next week. (this week that just past)
I text her 2 days after she went to the fair and asked how was the clams and beer fest. again no response. 3 more days go by and text her again saying hey just checking in with you hows life treating you. you guessed it no reponse.
I sat down this morning and let myself feel bad that I wasn't the friend to her that I thought I was. I let myself grieve knowing that its time to let it fade away. and to think we are both middle age people both retired. I'm sad to reliese I wasn't what she told me I was. her actions over the past 7 days shows me she isn't the kind of friend I want or need in my life. It hurts but atleast I have come to the conclusion that she is someone different then I thought.
If you tell your friend you are busy and will get back to her in a few weeks, you ignore any attempts to contact you in the mean time. That doesn't mean you are unreliable. It just means you have a life and she doesn't.
You haven't done anything wrong. This is not a real friend. She sounds more like a "user" who just wants the so-called friendship to be on her terms only.
Do you really want to tie yourself in knots to accommodate someone this high maintenance? She was looking for something you didn't have or couldn't give, and there's nothing wrong with that. She was unable to meet you on your terms and wanted to dictate the terms, timing, location, etc. of your relationship. Real friends don't do that. Your former "friend" sounds really self absorbed. Friendships we made as children don't always hold up well in adulthood as people mature differently and at different rates (and some never mature at all), and some become people we really don't want as friends anymore. Let it go and get on with your life. You are not the person she wants you to be, and you don't have to be.
You are in different places in your lives, and you had essentially lost close contact prior to that. She probably doesn't have many opportunities to meet new people, but you can't feel guilty about that. If you want to be friends, you could make the effort, knowing that getting together as "single girls without cares" is not going to be available for her. She has a kid now. Yes, she could also make the effort, but her effort takes MORE effort, as in, she would need to find a babysitter, or meet at a kid friendly location packing all the accoutrements a baby needs. If this friendship isn't something you wish to make effort for, then don't beat yourself up. Friendship shouldn't be "agony". Just cut your ties and move on. If you're up for honesty, you could simply say "Hey, we're in different phases of our lives. It's nothing personal."
Why do you call her a friend when she is barely an acquaintance? You have friends and a boy friend so why even be concerned about this. Ignore her and she will go away.
about 17 years ago, I gave up on the high school friends that only wanted to play video games and smoke dope. even once in a while, one will pop up, hey lets hang out. "that s ok, i dont like you"
it can work both ways, I met a friend and we became close. She moved to the next town over and said we will keep in touch and hang out together do lunch etc. She moved away 3 months ago and I have been lucky twice. she found time to see me. I would text her an mention getting together but there would be no response to my email. Just this last week end she said oh I'm on my way to a fair to eat clams and drink beer I promise we will get together next week. (this week that just past)
I text her 2 days after she went to the fair and asked how was the clams and beer fest. again no response. 3 more days go by and text her again saying hey just checking in with you hows life treating you. you guessed it no reponse.
I sat down this morning and let myself feel bad that I wasn't the friend to her that I thought I was. I let myself grieve knowing that its time to let it fade away. and to think we are both middle age people both retired. I'm sad to reliese I wasn't what she told me I was. her actions over the past 7 days shows me she isn't the kind of friend I want or need in my life. It hurts but atleast I have come to the conclusion that she is someone different then I thought.
just letting it fade away......
Sorry to hear that but I think you had a different situation. I think you had the right to feel offended. You were close to each other or at least you thought so but I think true friendship never dies as naive it may sound.
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