Connecting with someone you don't want to (person, member, brother)

[imagineAA]

OK Internet peeps, give me your advice.

A relative who is the product of an extramarital affair has tried to connect with me on social media.

I have never met this person, have no ill will to this person, but have zero desire to have contact in any way. It just reminds me of some painful things that happened in my family of origin.

I cannot think of anything I have to possibly gain from this contact.

I have learned over the years that DNA means nothing in terms of who I respect, love and like.

Some of you want to tell me I'm wrong. I'm willing to listen to you who do not have hearts of stone like me. Go.

[SouthernBelleInUtah]

Is this a sibling or more distant? I would be inclined to meet a half-sibling.

[JanND]

Perhaps it would at least be the kind thing to do to explain that to the person who is trying to connect with you.

If they are a half sibling....and they are trying to connect....they will always think that they should have tried more.

Your honestly while not what they may want to hear back from you, would at least keep them from what if-ing themselves for the rest of their lives.

[reebo]

I think you tell that person exactly what you've written here. It's perfect. You do get to control who you want in your life.

[imagineAA]

Originally Posted by SouthernBelleInUtah

Is this a sibling or more distant? I would be inclined to meet a half-sibling.

Meeting is not on the table.

Out of curiosity, why would the relationship sway your decision? More DNA in common? I gotta have more than that as a motive.

Considering the other person's feelings is a potential one.

[Missy2U]

Originally Posted by reebo

I think you tell that person exactly what you've written here. It's perfect. You do get to control who you want in your life.

Exactly this.

[JerZ]

I feel sorry for this person, being a second-class citizen based on (I'm assuming this is the deal) having been a "secret" family member/illegitimate/not recognized, which has to hurt horribly. But (again I'm assuming...you haven't given us much here, OP) if it was your parent who slept with someone besides your other parent and got that person pregnant, and this is that person's child, I can understand how bad your feelings would be regarding this person simply because of the circumstances.

I would tell him/her something like this:

Dear Susie: (just making up a name, LOL...)

Thank you for contacting me.

None of this is easy to say. I am sure you are a very nice person and that you are deserving of friendship. However, the truth of the matter is that the circumstances here involve Dad and Mom's eventual breakup, following years of me having to watch, and listen, to them fight about what happened. (or whatever happened there) I know you went through terrible pain. Honestly, so did I, and it's awful to have to recall it all. This is NOT your fault, and it's not mine. But I can not look at this whole time in my life with anything but sadness and now, as an adult, I need to leave it behind.

Because of all this, although I don't harbor ill will toward you I also don't see us becoming friends/talking regularly/catching up and so on. I feel each of us has his/her life to live and I am trying to live mine happily and I hope your life is a happy one too.

Again, I appreciate your reaching out but I do not wish to connect at this time.

Sincerely,

The Brother Who Realized Dad Scr*wed Some Random Chick and Now is Damaged for Life By the Truly Gross Visuals (that won't literally be your closing...maybe just use your name)

Uncomfortable situation and no, there is no easy or truly polite/non-hurtful way to state all this, but you can at least do the formalities. You don't owe this person your friendship, no, even though you're blood relatives. The circumstances are just not conducive to that.

This is all just really sad. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your mom and I'm sorry for this sibling (or whatever the association is there).

[I love boots.]

Good advice has been given about being honest. It sounds like this person is innocent of any wrong doing and deserves to know you have no ill will toward them.

[thinkalot]

It may be for genealogical reasons.

I have a second cousin, that I never met, that had an illegitimate kid and gave him up for adoption. The kid, now about 45 is doing his family tree. He hasn't contacted me yet and maybe never will but has contacted others. If he contacts me I will answer any questions. No problem with that since most of the people are dead now. 2000 miles away so I will never see him.

I feel sorry for these people. I don't know what it feels like, most of us don't, but it can't be good.

[chiluvr1228]

While I understand your point of view ImagineAA what if you are missing out on getting to know somebody wonderful?


Would I connect? Probably not but it would depend on the circumstances. The child that resulted from this extramarital affair is not to blame but if you feel it would be too painful don't connect.