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Old 02-03-2017, 10:20 AM
 
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Sometimes you just never know. I wouldn't take it personally.


Short story....very good friend...as in "best friend". Starts having back problems; major surgery; mega medicines for pain...off the charts fentanyl. Communication fades. Goes into depression. Communication virtually stops. Every once in a while friend comes out of stupor and calls or writes....like it was just yesterday that we had last chatted.


I took it personally...what did I do, what did I do wrong, how did I annoy this person?


Turns out nothing. They have undergone a HUGE change of life and just don't have the willpower to reach out to friends. They know they are falling down but can't muster the strength to do anything about it.


OP, go to the cabin. Have a nice weekend. Don't try to second guess why the communication stopped. It could be any one of a million things--all of which are outside of your control.
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Old 02-03-2017, 10:48 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TwoByFour View Post
Phone: In 35 years we have spoken on the phone maybe 3 times. They lead busy lives and have always preferred email and now texting.

Illness: Our mutual friend sees the other couple a lot and they are aging but not ill.

Email content, i.e., only talking about me, me, me: Nope. They weren't.

I recently asked our mutual friend what is going on since I have received no replies to emails and she was very surprised. They exchange emails weekly from what our friend says.

I tend to think we are out of sight, so out of mind. And we way overestimated the friendship. Oh well.

As to the cabin trip - I am leaning towards not going. I think it will be awkward.
In 35 years you've only spoken on the phone maybe 3 times??

I dont know how these people can be close friends if you dont even talk to them on the phone. This whole thing sounds more like they are aquaintences. You can know people for 35 years and they can still be aquaintenances.

Maybe I just see things differently, but I dont have to send good friends long emails about myself, because we keep in touch. If I have to send someone a long email about what Ive been doing, then we just arent that close. If we are close friends, then yes, I would call them and say, hey you, Ive been sending you emails, why arent you answering them?

When you went to go visit them, did they ask you to visit, or did you just stop in?

I dont know why you wouldnt go on that trip to the cabin. You may be assuming a lot here, when you dont really know whats going on, because you wont call them.

Who doesnt call a good friend??
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Old 02-03-2017, 11:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_Geek View Post
In 35 years of friendship you've only called 3 times and mainly used email and text? How did you communicate from 1982 to 1995 or whatever when there was no email? Visits only?
I wondered the same thing. I think it's optimal for friends to get together in person rather than talk on the phone or e-mail. But 35 years ago or even 20, there wasn't e-mail like there is today. How did you arrange to get together?

Approximately how many times would you estimate you got together over the years?
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Good grief. Ever occur to you something happened to her?

So you would rather sit there and just wonder, rather than know?smack:
Well, it does seem like the other couple is well and able enough to commit to the cabin vacation. And the cabin host did not reveal anything about something bad happening to the out-of-contact couple. So if something bad did happen, it is hopefully resolved or at a point where the couple can go on vacation.
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:23 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,081 posts, read 107,088,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear View Post
Sometimes you just never know. I wouldn't take it personally.

.
Just what I was going to say. OP, I would simply assume that after the move, they've made new friends locally, and/or are busy in the community, and haven't put a priority on maintaining old friendships who aren't close by. I wouldn't take it personally. Of course, you'd think that firing off a newsy email wouldn't be that big a deal, but who knows? Maybe they don't have a lot of good news to share. You have no idea what their situation is. It's sad to lose good friends (especially after 35 years), but there's nothing you can do, but move on, and look for new friends.
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:30 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,081 posts, read 107,088,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Good grief. Ever occur to you something happened to her?

What is so difficult about picking up a phone? You can buy phone cards to call out of the country with.

So you would rather sit there and just wonder, rather than know?smack:
I agree with you. Now that we have email and social media, phoning someone somehow has come to seem too confrontational, lol! Back in the day, that's all there was. What did people do back then, if a friend faded out? As often as not, they'd phone.
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Old 02-03-2017, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,363,799 times
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OP you could also send them a private message on FB.

I'd go to the cabin. What could it hurt? Just be laid back and friendly about it all. See what happens.
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Old 02-03-2017, 01:41 PM
 
Location: Haiku
7,132 posts, read 4,736,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr_Geek View Post
In 35 years of friendship you've only called 3 times and mainly used email and text? How did you communicate from 1982 to 1995 or whatever when there was no email? Visits only?
I have had an email account since 1982. Universities were early adopters of the Internet and I had one through the U. Our friends had email as long as I can remember, but we worked together for many years so we just talked at work. We probably did use the phone back in the 80's more than I am remembering.
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Old 02-03-2017, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Haiku
7,132 posts, read 4,736,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Just what I was going to say. OP, I would simply assume that after the move, they've made new friends locally, and/or are busy in the community, and haven't put a priority on maintaining old friendships who aren't close by. I wouldn't take it personally. Of course, you'd think that firing off a newsy email wouldn't be that big a deal, but who knows? Maybe they don't have a lot of good news to share. You have no idea what their situation is. It's sad to lose good friends (especially after 35 years), but there's nothing you can do, but move on, and look for new friends.
I think you're right. Things happen.

All the suggestions here to go to the 3-day gathering at the cabin I think are good so we will probably do that.

Thanks to everyone for the comments!
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Old 02-03-2017, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Southern MN
11,944 posts, read 8,266,544 times
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What did I miss? Is there a new rule that says no conversation must ever be awkward or uncomfortable for anyone? Doesn't anyone develop enough coping skills these days to manage the occasional uncomfortable situation?


How does anyone maintain honest, open relationships anymore without ever having to talk about the uncomfortable stuff?


Friends I'd known for this long I'd just plain ask in a gentle manner and prepare myself for the truth. What good are friendships based on anything less? If it is something that you do or have done ask for help from them about what you can do to improve things between you if you want to continue the relationship.


The longer you dance around it the crazier it gets. Might be a simple misunderstanding.


And the other couple who is renting the cabin? I wouldn't bring them into this at all at this point. If you really want to up the level of uncomfortable togetherness that would be a sure way to do it. Talking behind someone's back when you're all going to be together later makes for hidden agendas and even if they're well-meaning it stifles spontaneity.
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