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So I am a 23-year-old guy that just graduated from University. Back when I was in University for the past four years, I would often be very intentional in wanting to get to know girls and befriend them, but with No Romantic Interest intended. And I don't mean it just happening with girls I see everyday.
Like very often, I would meet a girl at the soccer field or just randomly somewhere, and have a conversation. In fact, I would intentionally roam random living rooms in dorms and meet both guys and girls there and have a strong interest in wanting to befriend them and keep a platonic friendship going. And after a conversation, I would likely ask for their number or to hangout with them. It often went well.
Some girls were like, I have a boyfriend, and then my response was like: "Why don't you bring your boyfriend, and the 3 of us spend time together?" Many girls found it weird when I responded like that, but quite a number took me up on that offer. They were confused with my intentions, but I told them I just wanted to befriend them and their boyfriend and get to know them as a couple. I'd often ask to hangout with dating couples just the 3 of us, over meals or maybe mini golf, game night, etc.
Then I am also very intentional in keeping in touch with my friends that are girls when it comes to regular texting and making a point to see them whenever I visit their town. Usually I do not hangout one on one but I ask them to bring their boyfriends or if they're single, usually one of their best friends, and me, them, and their friend will hangout the three of us.
Ive been told by many people that it is very weird. Is this weird? The fact that I am very sentimental with my girl friendships, make them a priority, and also hold on really tight to those relationships. People told me that most guys are never that intentional with girls unless they're pursuing romantic interest, and definitely don't make girls a priority.
There was even once instance when I met a girl once at University, and really enjoyed her company. She had a boyfriend. She graduated 2 years before me, but I was taking a holiday in Orlando and she lived in Tampa. I took the train one day all the way from Orlando to Tampa and back in one day just to have lunch with her. No romantic attraction, but I just really valued her friendship. Is this very normal for a guy to do with no romantic interest?
Many people, guys especially, say that I am extremely weird and don't understand my huge sentimentality for girls that I don't have any intention in dating. What do you think about this? Is it weird?
By the way, I do have mild asperger's syndrome if that plays any part in it as well. Many girls have mistaked my intentions for romantic interest until they got to know me better, even when I never used the word "DATE" at all.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it but it's unusual for sure. Why do you intentionally seek out girls to befriend? Do you feel you get along with them better? Men and women can be friends, but generally speaking men don't do the things you're doing. I just wonder why you intentionally seek out girls to be friends with. Why not just try to be friends with people you have a connection with, regardless of gender?
If this is who you are and how you feel content in life, don't bother worrying about if someone else thinks it's weird.
I confess that to me your post seems to make you sound a little tiny bit creepy, that is, if you are being as pushy as you sound to some of these acquaintances. Does anyone ever react defensively?
But if you are truly harmless, and no one has complained you are making them uncomfortable, and you just like the company of women, and your women friends are happy to oblige....I don't see any problem.
Are you ever interested in romantic relationships?
I do think it's a little weird to be so intentional on making friends. Why not let it happen naturally at work or church or whatever activities you're already involved in? Why do you feel the need to roam dorm living rooms or soccer games to find new friends, why not just hang out with existing friends?
Even though you don't have a romantic interest in your new female friends, I would suggest not pursuing those who have boyfriends. It could complicate things as well as take away their time and conversations that should be happening with their significant other.
At your age I would think you should naturally be looking for your own significant other, planning your future, your life, etc.
I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, especially as you have a Asperger's. I think what you're doing is a nice and intentional way of getting to know the opposite sex, and understanding them, without the pressure of dating.
I DO think it's unusual, but I don't think it's weird, and I don't think it's abnormal. To me, it sounds like you've found a way to socialize and understand the opposite sex, and I think it's sweet how you invest in your friendships.
I work in a field that's 70% women. I have colleagues who are women. Vendors who are women. Clients who are women. I've met with women, traveled for weeks at a time with women, dined and had drinks with women, mentored women, and worked late with women. So, over my 35-year career, it's only natural that I have developed platonic friendships with women.
In fact, my wife and I just returned from a two-week vacation in France with a woman and her husband. She and I met almost twenty years ago in a client meeting and had instant rapport. I introduced her to my wife and they became fast friends.
The yellow flag in your post is the word intentional. As in actively seeking out the friendship of women. That's not really how it works. You have things in common, enjoy conversation, and allow the relationship to grow organically. As long as you don't cross a line, it's perfectly fine. Just make sure you have clear boundaries in your own mind on what's appropriate and what's not.
Most heterosexual males typically don't seek female's attention or time on a personal level, unless they are attracted to them.
For instance the average man isn't going to go out just seeking women to be "friends" with and do "friend" stuff with, like talk on the phone. If a man asks for a woman's phone number on a personal level, then he only wants to have conversation with her on a romantic level. Heck, otherwise, most men are not big on talking on the phone ANYWAY. They can just talk to their guy friends about stuff they are really interested in, if they just want to have a conversation with somebody.
The whole, "I'm a guy who seeks out girls to be FRIENDS with" is weird, because most guys try to AVOID the Friend Zone when talking to women on a personal level. So yeah, it's definitely weird. If you are doing this with girls and show no attraction or romantic interest in them at all, then they probably assume you are gay, because that's a dynamic that's typically reserved for gay guys who befriend straight girls. Just sayin'.
I slightly disagree with some of the posters here. I think it's good that you are open to friends of the opposite sex, but you shouldn't focus on specifically men or women. For making platonic friends, try to bond based on a hobby and ask about doing such a hobby with so and so. Many people don't want friends because dating is always on their mind and they don't trust that you would respect their boundaries. People don't say it, but they act like this.
I do agree that people might assume you're gay if you're just trying to be friends with females and aren't trying to date them potentially too, at least, without sufficient context naturally developed.
It seems to me that OP seeks friendships that fit his comfort level. There is nothing wrong with that. We all do that.
Those who are critical of his approach probably do not have mild Asperger's as he states he does have. I'd like to hear from those who have mild Asperger's on this thread.
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