Mom really wants a grandchild, we're not ready...I feel its all about her! (talks, member)
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i'm in my early 40's. My siblings are in their late 30's. NONE of us have children nor do we want them. Our mother goes off on these tangents at least once a week about how we're all depriving her of grandchildren. I live 3 hours away! I've been married for over 20 years. Children are NOT happening now. We've moved on from that. We like our relationship the way it is. We feel that things worked out for us how they were supposed to. When she starts up on the baby thing, I tell her she needs to get over it. It's NEVER going to happen and she needs to deal with it. I don't want to hear about it. If she continues her rant, then I get off the phone and tell her I don't want to hear about this - it's not up for discussion. End of story.
I'm sorry you're being subjected to Grandmother-itis.
Unfortunately, you're just going to have to be firm and, as others have mentioned, tell your mother the subject is off-limits. Period. End of story. Finito. If y'all decide to have a baby, it's going to be because YOU want a baby, not because she wants to be a grandmother.
If she starts to whine or cry, just say, "Mom, really -- that didn't work on you when I was 4 years old, and it sure isn't going to work on me now that you're 46! But, OK, apparently you didn't hear me when I said that this subject is off-limits. We'll chat again later when you respect that. Bye, now!"
You say 'gf' which I would guess means you are not even married yet! Tell her that your plan is that 3 or 5 years (whatever timeline you have in mind) after you are married you will perhaps begin baby-making. Tell her you hope that will give her something to look forward to. If you haven't even set a date yet though you might want to be prepared for that to be the next thing on her wish list.
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What? The OP isn't married? I missed that. By all means, OP, the next time the grandchild-pressure comes on, tell your mom that you need a wife first, before you can have kids. She's putting the cart before the horse. Then change the subject, and tell her how well your career is coming along, and how you're aiming for a promotion, blah blah. If she brings it back to babies, tell her you need to be established in your field with a good salary before you can get married, as the first step toward starting a family. Then continue discussing your job and your prospects. If she interrupts again, tell her the baby topic is closed, you've already answered her question, so there's nothing more to discuss.
I moved about 2,000 miles away to pursue my dream job, and absolutely love it. I am at a critical point of my life, trying to make a name for myself at work, and my gf is doing the same. We're both working overnights, and put in as much time as we can, to earn as much money as we can...so we can give that child, or children a good life, and pay for a daycare.
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I thought about flying up for the week, but I just can't handle any more baby talk!
"Mom, I thought about coming up, but I am sick of you harping on me about having a baby, so I'm going to skip it and relax here at home."
So, this heifer, who apparently got knocked-up and carrying you, at 15 or 16, wants you to have a BABY OUT OF WEDLOCK, in order that she might fit-in with the grandmothers of a bunch of WELFARE RECIPIENTS? Have I got that right?
What I'd do would be, next time she starts harping on the subject, ask her how much money she intends to contribute to your child's trust fund. And how much money does she intend to give you for the down-payment on your first home?
Is she going to pony-up, when it's time for good preschools, and (if you live in a "diversity enriched" area)private schools, K-12? Is she going to pay for the nanny, so that your baby won't be mentally scarred by being stuck, as an infant, in daycare?
Lots of grandparents DO do all these things for their descendants. And anybody who has EXPECTATIONS ought to be ready to cough-up the cash, to turn those expectations into reality.
If I were mean, I'd tell her that all this whining and crying has put me off wanting a baby anytime soon. But I don't know if I could bring myself to tell my mother that, and not only because she'd rip my face off.
She had you at 16? Look back...it's probably something familial. At your age you're supposed to be married and have kids....
It's like that in some families. When my grandfather was very ill, we went to see him. He'd always been blunt. When he saw me, he couldn't place me, and when I told him who I was, he asked how old I was. When I said 16, and I just got my drivers licence. He asked are you married yet? I said no, I'm only 16. He said get out of my house. Last words my grandfather said to me.
In his world at 16 I should have been married, in the kitchen and having babies. So -- I think you're over thinking this. If history could speak, at 16, your mother made her 30 something mother a grandmother, and her not quite 50 something grandmother a great grandmother and her just now signing up for Medicare great grandmother a great great grandmother....
Maybe if you live in Appalachia or a housing project.
The OP's mother got pregnant by mistake most likely, while it is admirable she raised the child, that doesn't mean she gets to dictate to others when they should have kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth;47102289[B
]What? The OP isn't married? [/b]I missed that. By all means, OP, the next time the grandchild-pressure comes on, tell your mom that you need a wife first, before you can have kids. She's putting the cart before the horse. Then change the subject, and tell her how well your career is coming along, and how you're aiming for a promotion, blah blah. If she brings it back to babies, tell her you need to be established in your field with a good salary before you can get married, as the first step toward starting a family. Then continue discussing your job and your prospects. If she interrupts again, tell her the baby topic is closed, you've already answered her question, so there's nothing more to discuss.
Foot. Down.
I missed that as well. No way, there is no guarantee if when you're married that you will stay together. But forget having kids out of wedlock, what happens if the relationship falls apart and the OP never sees the child never mind his mother.
You're right, baby topic is closed. If the mother continues than you don't visit next time you have vacation.
I've told my own mother in the past, and more recently my mother-in-law during an episode of emotional outburst, that their respective fear of the aging process and/or desire to assume the mantle of 'grandmother' does not create some sort of mandated expediency on the part of my wife and I to conceive a child.
Tell your mom to stop and mean it. If she brings up the subject while on the phone, hang up. If she brings up the subject while you are visiting, leave immediately. You need to do this consistently until it penetrates her head. I would not bother visiting her now. Take your vacation and go somewhere not stressful.
Well, that's a little extreme. A simple, "Mom, we're not discussing it" will do.
But your point is well taken. They don't have to explain anything to anyone.
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