Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: Foothills of Maryland Blue Ridge mountains
993 posts, read 766,406 times
Reputation: 3163
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235
the problem is that i CAN afford it. it's the principle that bothers me. just because i can afford it doesn't mean that it should be that way, does that make sense? and that's why i would get a lot of backlash, because i'd be saying no just because i'm against the extravagant costs of a wedding, not because i can't afford it.
I agree with you 100%. I'm 58, married for many years and I don't understand why weddings have become these spectacles. Well, I do understand....it's clever, persuasive marketing. But I don't understand why couples are buying into the ridiculousness of it all.
And these 100k weddings I've attended have been nice but cookie-cutterish and formulaic. Lots of flowers, extravagant cake and food at some country club or big hotel, lots of guests....it doesn't feel intimate or special.
But I'm biased. I had a smallish wedding...65 guests.
The wedding is just a day, a special day of course....but yeesh....it's too much these days. Don't I sound like an old lady?
"I'm honored that you would include me in your bridal party, and I wish circumstances were different, but unfortunately just I can't fit the expenses in my budget."
Anyone who gets offended at that or thinks less of you isn't really a friend anyway.
I agree with you 100%. I'm 58, married for many years and I don't understand why weddings have become these spectacles. Well, I do understand....it's clever, persuasive marketing. But I don't understand why couples are buying into the ridiculousness of it all.
And these 100k weddings I've attended have been nice but cookie-cutterish and formulaic. Lots of flowers, extravagant cake and food at some country club or big hotel, lots of guests....it doesn't feel intimate or special.
But I'm biased. I had a smallish wedding...65 guests.
The wedding is just a day, a special day of course....but yeesh....it's too much these days. Don't I sound like an old lady?
yup, the last one i was in, my friends asked me "how was the wedding". i said same as every other wedding, i ate, i drank and there was dancing, honestly you could swap out the couple and it would be the same exact wedding i was at last time lol.
it sounds horrible but i would much rather be at a small intimate wedding too, maybe even talk to the couple during the wedding lol.
the problem is that i CAN afford it. it's the principle that bothers me. just because i can afford it doesn't mean that it should be that way, does that make sense? and that's why i would get a lot of backlash, because i'd be saying no just because i'm against the extravagant costs of a wedding, not because i can't afford it.
It doesn't really matter if you can afford it. Why should you be asked to fork out $1000+ for someone else's wedding? The last time I was in an out-of-town wedding (almost 16 years ago), the bride/groom paid for accommodations for the out-of-state bridesmaids/groomsmen/ushers since they knew the expense of getting there and buying/renting the appropriate attire was quite an expense on its own.
In my experience, when I don't want to spend a lot of cash on a wedding, it's often people other than the bride/groom who really care about it and want to go all out for the bachelorette/bachelor parties and do the expensive things. For example, I went to one that had an open bar the entire time with people who were totally trashed and inappropriate, but that was mostly the parents who paid for that, not the bride/groom. Instead of a standard shower, they had a coed party with soccer and ultimate frisbee in a park for all age groups because they knew that the wedding itself would not be child friendly.
I guess times have changed, but the times I was a bridesmaid for an out-of-town wedding, the bride's family paid for the hotel or arranged rooms for us at a friend's house. One bride specifically said, "Look, please, no gifts -- you are doing me a huge honor by being my bridesmaid, and I'm just happy you could be a part of it!" Another bride's mother paid for the bridesmaid's dresses.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of a poor bridesmaid (usually young, usually not at the top of the career pile) having to shell out thousands of dollars just for the privilege of prancing down the aisle in a dress she will never wear again.
I agree,
I can not even imagine expecting a bridesmaid to come up with a $1,000 just to be in a wedding. Heck, my own wedding, 40 years ago, only cost $2,000 and we had almost 100 guests! (we were poor graduate students and planned a very inexpensive wedding)
As, dblackga said, back then when I was in out-town weddings the bride's family made sure that we had a free place to stay and often purchased the bridesmaid dresses and paid for the hair salon.
And, if there was a bachelorette party, it was drinks and snacks at someone's apartment or maybe having a few cheap drinks at a local bar. I keep reading that people spent $200 on attending a bachelorette party. What get-together with a half dozen or close friends can possible cost $200 each?
Asking people to spend so much is inconsiderate IMO. There are ways around the crazy expense and it is rude to force people to throw away money they cannot afford.
When I got married, my wife was very aware of the strain on bridesmaids expense wise because she had just been in several weddings and had a closet full of stupid pricey dresses she would never wear again and drawers filled with stupid bridesmaids thank you trinkets that were of no use whatsoever. Even more rudely, they were personalized, so we could not even re-gift them.
We were adamant we would not put this strain on our friends and family, most of whom had no money to spare. We also decided to make our wedding cheaper for us so we could invite more people. We changed the location from the place where the Kennedys summered, to a much cheaper and less restrictive country club. For a fraction of the cost of the Kennedy place, we were able to double the number of people we invited, and the price included the cake, photographer, head table champagne and a DJ. We only had to pay for an extra limo for the parents, because my parents had never ridden in a limo before. Everything else was included (except an open bar, we finally decided to pay for one hour open bar then cash, but the wedding ran late, they opened the bar anyway and by the time the first guests arrived, they were getting ready to close it. Luckily one of my groomsmen arrived early figured out what was going on and ordered dozens of drinks and just laid them out on the tables. They really liked my wife and seemed to make a big effort to decorate and made sure everyone had a good time.
We found a place that sold end runs of bridal dresses and prom dresses and bought the dresses ourselves. They were about $20 each but we realized to get the right sizes in a matching style, we had to go with all different colors. So we had each of the groomsmen wear a corresponding tie and cumberbund.
We hired one seamstress to come a couple of days before the wedding and fit out all the dresses for a single price. Our Bridesmaid gifts were paying for the dresses and tailoring. It was cheaper than the personalized useless trinkets we were were considering handing out. They were very appreciative and some of them even found other uses for the dresses. Our wedding was very colorful (we had six each, all in different colors, but at least all the dresses matched style-wise and each matched their respective groomsman in color.). The one downside, is when we told my sister our plan she said. "Great just please do not give me orange or peach, I look horrible in Orange or peach." The only dress in her size was peach. I think she might still be mad at me for that one.
We found a campground near the place for our wedding and reserved a block of spaces. We had family members who did not want to pay for a hotel, bring their trailers and they provided extra beds for others with no money for hotel rooms. It worked to kind of neat because most of our guests were from elsewhere, so many guests came and stayed for several days. The campground became something of a family reunion locale.
I shared a hotel suite with my six groomsmen, so it was pretty inexpensive for everyone. Since we couldn't afford a full open bar, so, for the groomsmen gifts, we gave them each a bottle of their favorite liquor. They shared and everyone saved money and liked it better than getting some useless trinket to stick in a drawer.
This is probably no longer relevant, but for table favors, we put disposable cameras at each table and asked people to use them up and leave them in a bag when they left. Even after processing hundreds of stupid/worthless pictures of shoes and the like, we ended up with many pictures that were as good or better than the ones the professionals took and we did not have to pay as much for them (we still got some pictures form the professionals, but we probably saved $1000 and everyone had a blast taking pictures, especially after a few drinks).
Since so many people came in from other states and other countries, we wanted to spend as much time with them as practical. So, instead of a rehearsal dinner, we had a big barbecue and invited everyone. It was much more fun that a stuffy rehearsal dinner and cheaper too, even with 100 people. (We had six people named Bob. It was fun keeping them together and introducing them to people "Hi Bob, this is Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob and Bob. You all should get acquainted"
Even the bachelor party was relatively inexpensive. We did some bar hopping and the mandatory strip clubs but everyone was bored with the skanky stage show, so we left and snuck aboard the USS Constitution. We got caught, but somehow convinced the guard to give us a tour. It was the highlight for all the guys and much cheaper and more memorable than watching drug addicts trying to dance naked.
All in all we spent about half what we originally anticipated, we made it possible for some guests to attend who were considering bowing out because of cost, and everyone said it was one of their favorite weddings ever.
There are a lot of ways you can save money for your wedding party and for yourself. A lot of our conventions make no sense. If they make no sense, skip em.
Last edited by Coldjensens; 02-06-2017 at 04:04 PM..
IME, for truly good friends, people suck it up and pay. I know I did. I had one bridesmaid who complained about costs, even though she didn't throw me a shower, I didn't have a bachelorette party, and I got the dresses on clearance. Meanwhile, she had no trouble spending on other things. I see it from both sides. The only way I would say no is if it really wasn't a good friend, and/or I felt like she was just trying to fill spots with bodies.
That is a crazy amount to spend on someone else's wedding and I think it's inconsiderate that a bride would put their friends in such a position.There are so many ways to cut costswhen it comes to wedding planning such as finding cute dresses for the bridesmaids that can be worn again from places like Gap, JCrew, Old Navy, etc. Or allowing the bridesmaids to all wear the dress of their choice but all in the same color. The bride is the one that's meant to shine on the big day so why force the bridesmaids to have hair and makeup done professionally? If they want to that's one thing but it should not be required. I also don't understand the need for multiple showers and extravagant bachelorette parties. It seems a little out of control.
I keep thinking the tide will turn on this whole over-the-top wedding thing that has become so common. The wedding industry is right up their with DeBeers in "brainwashing" young women regarding what getting married should look like.
When I got married (my first marriage) in 1983, I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes (why should THEY have to pay for things I chose for them to wear??), and my groom paid for tux rental for the men. Back then no one had heard of an out of town bachelor/bachelorette party, and bridal showers were simple parties in someone's home, with sandwiches and a cake, or something similar. We had all figured out how to do our own hair, makeup, and nails for a special occasion.
OP, I think it is appalling that any couple would expect their friends to spend that much money for the "honor" of being in their wedding. And this is coming from me, a 50-something retired woman who now has plenty of money to burn. For 20-somethings, just starting in a career, with their student loan debt, car loan, trying to buy a house, start a family, build up their own savings, etc, it is beyond ludicrous.
To borrow Nike's slogan, Just Say No.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
