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Actually, I met my husband aT work while we were both married to other people! And, no, we did not start dating or have any kind of romantic relationship until I left the company and we had separated from our spouses -- neither separation being a result of the work friendship in any way, btw. (In fact, we had known each other for over two years before we even kissed! Our relationship went from being co-workers to being friendly to being friends -- and we have now been married for 30 years!)
All of this is just to illustrate "never say never."
Here's another similar story. I met her on the day I started work for another government agency. I was married at the time and had no idea of her status. Our work threw us together often and in time we came to trust, respect and admire one another. Our conversations turned somewhat yet appropriately personal over time but most were work related. We became workplace only friends and never saw one another except at work although we did meet for breaks occasionally.
Three years later she promoted to another agency. On occasion I served as a policy consultant to it on some shared matters so my friend and I still worked together occasionally. At the same time my wife left me and we divorced. I lived like a monk for the next two years but finally decided to come out of my shell. Finally I asked her out, she accepted and two months later we were married. That was a bit over 20 years ago and we're still married. Having been friends for five years first certainly helped.
If you just want to be friends, then just do group activities.
Keep it casual.
That's totally fine, I have no issues with group activities -- if I can hopefully make arrangements for another group meeting, lunch or otherwise, with her co-workers and her, that would be fantastic and I'm all for it. They are all extraordinarily nice people; she just happened to be the overall nicest and so I guess I thought it might be a good thing to start with her? I haven't been exactly that great at conversing in group situations in the past (hard to think of the right things to say a lot of times and in the right context, vs. one-to-one communication for example which can sometimes be easier and more simple), hence my initial interest in an individual lunch meeting, etc. with her. But based on the last group interaction I had with them that was part of work-related business, they were all extra-friendly, so with people of that kind personality type, I would sincerely look forward to trying to talk with them all again and would really look forward to that.
I was wondering if I could ask some advice or suggestions please on how to advance what could potentially be a very great, platonic opposite-gender friendship at work, in an appropriate way? I know it may sound like a question that has an obvious answer, but tbh, since for about the past 10 years or more, there have been extremely few people in my same age range at the workplace. As a result, I have had very little if any practical experience talking to people who are my same age bracket, in a professional context.
This person is an extremely friendly, very nice and warm individual, and has been very kind to me in the multiple conversations I've had with her so far. I'm not trying to pursue her romantically (she has a boyfriend, based on a conversation that I overheard her talking with one of her co-workers about), but would genuinely love very much to be her friend, especially since she is so amazingly nice. She does work in a different office/division than me.
What would be a professionally-appropriate way to find more opportunities to talk with her? For example, I'm not 100% sure but I'm assuming that asking her to talk over lunch would not be the best way to go about it, as it may unintentionally convey the wrong impression to her if I were to ask, again because she has a boyfriend. Are there any other alternatives to chatting over lunch that would also be considered to be in an appropriate and professional matter? I have spoken with her multiple times on the phone regarding work-related business items, but I think there are only so many times I can do that, and that naturally arises only so often or very randomly, etc.?
If you are serious about the relationship being platonic, then invite her AND her boyfriend to lunch with you and YOUR girlfriend. If he cannot attend during lunchtime, then ask to DOUBlE DATE after work or on the weekend or a group event including her boyfriend. You should not try to spend time alone with her, regardless how you describe it. And her boyfriend should be included, regardless whether it is during lunch or another time.
The most important thing is that the boyfriend (or husband) is party to the event.
What difference does it make that she is of similar (probably younger) age than you?
I am getting the sense that you are interested in her for a potentially romantic relationship and are afraid she may get married before you get the chance.
Last edited by SFBayBoomer; 02-17-2017 at 09:35 PM..
If you are serious about the relationship being platonic, then invite her AND her boyfriend to lunch with you and YOUR girlfriend. If he cannot attend during lunchtime, then ask to DOUBlE DATE after work or on the weekend or a group event including her boyfriend. You should not try to spend time alone with her, regardless how you describe it. And her boyfriend should be included, regardless whether it is during lunch or another time.
The most important thing is that the boyfriend (or husband) is party to the event.
What difference does it make that she is of similar (probably younger) age than you?
I am getting the sense that you are interested in her for a potentially romantic relationship and are afraid she may get married before you get the chance.
Like I said repeatedly, I have absolutely no interest in this person romantically. Friendship, yes. Romance, no. I have no ulterior motives here. Not to mention that I don't find it to be exactly ethical to try to pursue another guy's g/f, I've never tried that before in my life and never will, because it's not right. She has a b/f...end of story, as far as I'm concerned; I'm certainly not going to try to interfere with that, and wouldn't even want to.
To be completely candid, I find it somewhat disheartening and hurtful that some of the posters on here appear to be continually impugning my honor and personal integrity in this, and making it seem as though I have some underlying sinister motive. Please allow me to spell it out for you, so as to leave absolutely no doubt as to my intentions: despite what you might believe, the real truth is, if I were *hypothetically* single, I might (potentially) consider the idea of asking her if she had any nice female friends (at a naturally appropriate time in which she and I were better friends), who were also single, who were interested in meeting someone new. To reiterate: I'm not interested in her herself, romantically -- rather, her single female friends (as applicable, also assuming that I was actually single at the time, as I am a one-woman man). Does that make sense?
There are 7 billion people on the planet who don't work in your office. You are way better off in life keeping work and the rest of your life separate.
I have work friends but they don't go beyond work hours. Many times, the only thing that holds the friendship together is the shared workplace, and if you move on, the friendship fades away.
No reason not to try to be more social and eat as a group in the cafeteria. Trying to do that one-on-one may raise eyebrows.
Ultimately, you are not the only one who gets to decide if there is a friendship, so just be friendly and engaging with others and see where it goes.
I get it. You'd like to have more work friendships with people your age because your direct co-workers are not that. She has been very friendly to you and also works in a group you'd like to know better. She probably has a great social gift and is super friendly to everyone.... That said, there's nothing wrong with steering the conversation to "I really enjoy talking with you....sometimes I wish I worked in your section where there are more people my age. Do you guys ever go out to lunch or eat together in the cafeteria? If so, I'd love to join you. Our group isn't very social and it would be fun for me to get to know you and the others better."
I was wondering if I could ask some advice or suggestions please on how to advance what could potentially be a very great, platonic opposite-gender friendship at work, in an appropriate way? I know it may sound like a question that has an obvious answer, but tbh, since for about the past 10 years or more, there have been extremely few people in my same age range at the workplace. As a result, I have had very little if any practical experience talking to people who are my same age bracket, in a professional context.
This person is an extremely friendly, very nice and warm individual, and has been very kind to me in the multiple conversations I've had with her so far. I'm not trying to pursue her romantically (she has a boyfriend, based on a conversation that I overheard her talking with one of her co-workers about), but would genuinely love very much to be her friend, especially since she is so amazingly nice. She does work in a different office/division than me.
What would be a professionally-appropriate way to find more opportunities to talk with her? For example, I'm not 100% sure but I'm assuming that asking her to talk over lunch would not be the best way to go about it, as it may unintentionally convey the wrong impression to her if I were to ask, again because she has a boyfriend. Are there any other alternatives to chatting over lunch that would also be considered to be in an appropriate and professional matter? I have spoken with her multiple times on the phone regarding work-related business items, but I think there are only so many times I can do that, and that naturally arises only so often or very randomly, etc.?
Based on what I've read I would advise keeping it professional. Status quo. Maybe cut back on looking for reasons to talk to her. It's work. If she is interested in more communication you will.
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As I said, I really and truly just want to be her friend. Pure and simple. Why so quick to judge? 
