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I hope this is ok to post, if not move or delete. I am kind of freaking out and need help.
I have a friend I used to see about twice a week. I have known her for a year. In that year we became close. Her husband was out of the country. I knew he had a rocky past but she said he had worked hard (treatment, therapy, religion, etc) to get better.
He gets back and with in days I see all these red flags. She is cutting off friends left and right. She seems so unhappy. He is *always* around her. He took her phone so now she has to use his. He seems to be controlling everything in her life and she is quickly withdrawing from friends and family. And she seems miserable. It is night and day. She is even working and he goes with her to work to watch her. So far she hasn't cut me off, but I hardly see her or talk to her now. Her husband seems to really like me.
So I decided to google him and found he had 3 DV arrests during the time they were together, prior to me meeting her. 2 while she was pregnant that were essentially attempted murder. The "unnamed female" (obviously her) would refuse to cooperate or lie and the charges were dismissed.
I want to help her...but I don't know how. I think I am going to get her to come in the car with me to the store and try to talk to her. I got a list of resources for her. I could also let her stay in my house if needed.
How do I bring this up without pushing her away?
Reading about the level of violence of the previous arrests...her life is in danger.
Also...when she comes over, he comes with her. I am nervous with him here. He has a history of violence and theft, which now I know much more about now. But I cant ban him and still have access to her.
Do you have an organization in your neighborhood that might give you some tips, a DV org?
It sounds dangerous to try to intervene yourself, with this creep's history-- altho I can see you want to help your friend.
I would say, do as you mentioned, get her away from him, and see what she wants to do.
But I think you need some support.
I don't know about cops.. maybe the police have some kind of dv unit, which could advise you?
Also, altho online is not as good as in person, there are a lot of places online where people in similar situation could respond.
Could give you some advice.
When I thot my friend was in a situation of emotional abuse, I got a lot of help by going to online forums.
Altho that is different - I was not worried about by friend losing her life, I was looking for information.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Also...when she comes over, he comes with her. I am nervous with him here. He has a history of violence and theft, which now I know much more about now. But I cant ban him and still have access to her.
HFB, I'm reluctant to advise you to get involved in any way without knowing more of what this guy is capable of and what his personal stakes are in all this in terms of his career and level of wealth. Does he have guns? You have small kids if IIRC, and you are scared for this man to even enter your home. If you can be absolutely certain he won't get it out of her that you said anything, I would tell her you are aware of her husband's past and uncomfortable with the way he treats her. I would provide her (VERBALLY) with some suggested links to check out and explain why you have to distance yourself. But if you feel you must, offer assistance if she should leave him.
If you don't think she can be relied upon to keep what you say to yourself, I would just let things drift. It sounds cold and heartless, but depending on how psycho he is, he could do serious damage to your family. My friend's girlfriend is dealing with some serious stalking and harassment from a guy she never even dated, and he is likely behind the recent burglary and attack on her household pets at her home. He's a former friend who is just mad at her about who she voted for (I'm not kidding). Depending on how nuts this guy is (and he sounds pretty nuts) if he perceives you as destabilizing his marriage by speaking the truth, you could be in for retribution.
If you do continue to involve yourself in this woman's life, I urge you to document every interaction and be religious about personal safety (locking doors, parking in well-lit areas, knowing when to call the cops, etc.)
I agree with the others as far as being mindful of your own personal safety. Also, this is a tricky situation because it seems that your friend is so entrenched with her abuser that she would protect him if you were to bring it up. Stockholm Syndrome. At this point she may not be prepared to leave and she may be resentful if you do so directly. Is there any way at all you can talk to her without him being there? Maybe there is some way that you can let her know that you noticed that she seems unhappy lately (don't mention the relationship) and that you are there to listen if she ever needs to talk about something. Do you know her friends and family well enough to bring up any concerns to them? Maybe you can help her rebuild that support network. You have to tread very carefully and not get frustrated if she refuses to leave him or if she leaves and goes back to him. The light bulb needs to go off in her head that she is being abused. Let her come to you first, instead of you being the first to mention it.
Another thing that I wanted to mention. The most dangerous time is when someone decides to leave their abuser. He could sense that he is losing control and the situation could very well escalate. If he believes that you are part of the reason that she is leaving, you could put yourself under fire as well. I would call a DV hotline and talk to someone there. Maybe they have suggestions on a safe way to get her out of that situtation.
Don't give up on being her friend no matter what happens. The only thing I can think of is to see if you can find out if he's on probation or has terms to his release.
Stay safe. Keep whatever distance you need to to do that.
You both are in my prayers.
Also...when she comes over, he comes with her. I am nervous with him here. He has a history of violence and theft, which now I know much more about now. But I cant ban him and still have access to her.
Why do you have to see her in your home? Or her home for that matter?
You meet her and if he comes along in a public place.
You're married with underage children, certainly hope you have discussed this with your husband.
Bad situation, but this sounds like more an acquaintance/casual friend than good friend. A year is not really a long time to know someone, sounds like casual get togethers, and she certainly didn't share any of this with you.
IDK what the answer is, but I would mention this to your husband if you haven't already, and no more coming over to your house.
It might not have been her. He might have two gf's. I mean, if it happened while you knew her, wouldn't you have seen bruises? Or maybe I didn't catch some detail about how you know the female in the reports is her.
I only know a few things for sure. One, he has to keep liking you if you want to be around her. Two, this will not be easy. At all. She might turn on you if you put him down or whatever. Three, there is a possibility of danger to yourself but I'm not going to advise you either way about that.
We all have to decide ourselves what level of potential danger we personally are willing to tolerate. I'm rather blase about it. I will jump in, and have. I'm not going to let fear keep me from helping if I want to help. But that is a deeply personal decision and you have children.
I have no idea what level this guy is. The highest level stalker/abuser there is one way out - one of them to die. But obviously not all abusers are this level. many many people get out and get away everyday.
Sadly, though, I know two who didn't, so that possibility never leaves my mind. Another friend was able to leave w/o pursuit. But it took a very long time for her to decide to - that was the problem there.
Where does she work? I realize that sounds like a bizarre question - but I can't imagine her employer putting up with that. That might be an opening to question her.
I would call a domestic violence hotline and ask for suggestions on dealing with this situation.
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