Was I right to put my foot down with this co-worker? (dysfunctional, person)
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I would not bother; strategy doesn't appear to be your strong suit, and you aren't there to play these games anyway. Focus on your JOB.
I do have a question I would love your honest input on: Do you have an idea about why you were bullied in high school and if it relates to this situation here where people "randomly" have a problem with you?
I am really curious about whether you know deep down if there is a common thread in these scenarios, or if it just keeps happening out of the blue?
Are you implying bullying is okay? This is what I understand. Either your question is poorly formulated or my understanding is correct. Do you know a good justification for bullying someone? This is an odd question.
As far as strategy is concerned, everyone has this trait, I believe. One can be very different online and in real life. But as stated, this is not high school and I don't have time to play games.
Are you implying bullying is okay? This is what I understand. Either your question is poorly formulated or my understanding is correct. Do you know a good justification for bullying someone? This is an odd question.
No need to be defensive. Where did you get that I implied that bullying is OK??? I am asking you to explain the high school situation and see if there are any parallels between the workplace situation.
No need to be defensive. Where did you get that I implied that bullying is OK??? I am asking you to explain the high school situation and see if there are any parallels between the workplace situation.
How you are handling it might be improved.
I'm not defensive Ha ok. I simply was surprised when I read your question. It seemed a bit odd to me.
Basically, in high school - all of the kids were wealthy and 'cool', like to party so on and so forth. I was that girl whose parents weren't wealthy, who didn't party and who loved studying. I have to also say I had acne and braces which caused them to call me 'ugly' and so on. I was simply the shy/bookworm type.
In the company, I'm actually not the shy girl. I speak to everyone, the managers noticed how I get along with everyone (they told me that during my feedback meeting) as compared to the previous analysts on this marked who felt 'isolated'. The only thing is I sometimes choose to have lunch on my own outside of the office, to read/be in my thoughts. People think it's weird (I was often questionned about this actually).
So, I'm not sure why these two girls and another one dislike me.
I'm not defensive Ha ok. I simply was surprised when I read your question. It seemed a bit odd to me.
Basically, in high school - all of the kids were wealthy and 'cool', like to party so on and so forth. I was that girl whose parents weren't wealthy, who didn't party and who loved studying. I have to also say I had acne and braces which caused them to call me 'ugly' and so on. I was simply the shy/bookworm type.
In the company, I'm actually not the shy girl. I speak to everyone, the managers noticed how I get along with everyone (they told me that during my feedback meeting) as compared to the previous analysts on this marked who felt 'isolated'. The only thing is I sometimes choose to have lunch on my own outside of the office, to read/be in my thoughts. People think it's weird (I was often questionned about this actually).
So, I'm not sure why these two girls and another one dislike me.
Fortunately most people grow up after high school, but not all. It sounds like you're dealing with some immature folks again.
That's why you definitely should NOT engage in their games.
Trust me, management does not give a rat's *ss about your personal background or your co-worker drama. They only want the job done right, so if you do that, you will set yourself apart in a good way.
The main things is ... DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
People who thrive on drama would do it no matter who is sitting at your desk. Don't make it about you.
Just tell her if you ask her a question to tell you she doesn't know and leave it at that. If she constantly run to management it means she may be lacking in something. They notice that.
Here's my $0.02, and it reaches beyond this particular thread. I recall a thread that you started some time ago about dysfunctional family dynamics. Most of your threads after that have been about dysfunctional relationship dynamics, and you seem to be connecting and interacting most with people who have dysfunctional means of communicating or interacting. I believe that since you grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic, that this is calibrated to normal for you. It's not your fault, but it's something that you are going to have to do a lot of work on to remedy, and I would seek the advice of a professional on this.
Regarding this particular situation, my best advice is as follows: you did the right thing and were appropriately and properly assertive. You tried to do it the right way and it didn't work because of the way that she received it.
I believe that you are the type of person who wants things to go very smoothly in your interactions with people, and I believe that you genuinely want people to like you. Unfortunately, there are a good deal of miserable and broken people out there who will see your desire to be liked and to get along with people as a vulnerability and exploit it to take their frustrations with their own lives out on you. You don't make yourself a target by having anything wrong with you, and you don't make yourself a target consciously, you are making yourself a target by caring what they think of you and by doing the passive-aggressive power dance with them.
My suggestion is to stop caring what they think or feel of you, and surround yourself with the positive and upward moving people in your company, and ask the questions of them. It has not a bit of bearing on your job success what miserable, petty people think of you. Your success is dictated by your professionalism and your actions on the job (the things that you have control over). You have no control over their behavior. I would encourage you to take every step to be the best that you can be at what you do. Don't kiss up to management, but do everything that they tell you to do plus, and learn all that you can about being the best that you can be. Become the person who other people ask questions of. Show up a few minutes early, stay a few minutes late, and demonstrate leadership strengths. This won't happen overnight, this will happen over the course of time. It may seem like others aren't noticing, but they will, and management, especially will notice. You will also notice, and your confidence will increase (and your attention to the pettiness of others will decrease). Become self-actualized in your position there at your company, and let the miserable lounge lizards stew in their own juice.
My question was simply about whether or not I was right to set the limits with her.
I know how to act moving forward.
depends on your company's policies. Read your policy manual and/or talk with your boss. Ask him/her what to do. oftentimes, if your co-worker does something wrong, you do not talk with them, you speak with your boss. But for answers on how to do your job, go to your boss, as you are responsible to your boss. If your co-worker tells you something wrong, and you do the job wrong, you will be blamed.
If your co-worker has overstepped something legal, then you go to Human Resources to report harassment or some such thing.
Here's my $0.02, and it reaches beyond this particular thread. I recall a thread that you started some time ago about dysfunctional family dynamics. Most of your threads after that have been about dysfunctional relationship dynamics, and you seem to be connecting and interacting most with people who have dysfunctional means of communicating or interacting. I believe that since you grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic, that this is calibrated to normal for you. It's not your fault, but it's something that you are going to have to do a lot of work on to remedy, and I would seek the advice of a professional on this.
Regarding this particular situation, my best advice is as follows: you did the right thing and were appropriately and properly assertive. You tried to do it the right way and it didn't work because of the way that she received it.
I believe that you are the type of person who wants things to go very smoothly in your interactions with people, and I believe that you genuinely want people to like you. Unfortunately, there are a good deal of miserable and broken people out there who will see your desire to be liked and to get along with people as a vulnerability and exploit it to take their frustrations with their own lives out on you. You don't make yourself a target by having anything wrong with you, and you don't make yourself a target consciously, you are making yourself a target by caring what they think of you and by doing the passive-aggressive power dance with them.
My suggestion is to stop caring what they think or feel of you, and surround yourself with the positive and upward moving people in your company, and ask the questions of them. It has not a bit of bearing on your job success what miserable, petty people think of you. Your success is dictated by your professionalism and your actions on the job (the things that you have control over). You have no control over their behavior. I would encourage you to take every step to be the best that you can be at what you do. Don't kiss up to management, but do everything that they tell you to do plus, and learn all that you can about being the best that you can be. Become the person who other people ask questions of. Show up a few minutes early, stay a few minutes late, and demonstrate leadership strengths. This won't happen overnight, this will happen over the course of time. It may seem like others aren't noticing, but they will, and management, especially will notice. You will also notice, and your confidence will increase (and your attention to the pettiness of others will decrease). Become self-actualized in your position there at your company, and let the miserable lounge lizards stew in their own juice.
Good luck!
Thanks for this very insightful post!
I agree. A few days ago, I came to the conclusion that due to my upbringing, I have only been gravitating towards dysfunctional relationships subconsciously. I took a look at every relationship and I have noticed that the common indicator is the fact that I tend to be more 'accepting' than I wish to be (meaning accepting any sort of treatment). I have this fear of being assertive because I want people to 'like me'. I can be assertive at times, but it depends on the circumstances. It's clearly related to the lack of affection in my childhood. I craved my parents' warmth, but I never got it. I tried everything and it didn't work. So I suppose this transpired in my friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships. I would subject myself to any kind of treatment (alsmost) to be liked/accepted.
It wasn't until a romantic episode earlier this year and the episode with this girl that I realized that some people like only act nice towards you when they think you can't 'bite' or defend yourself. The moment they realize you can't be messed with, they turn into something else entirely. I think this girl wasn't expecting this from me and neither was her friend. I used to be quite sweet with them until this episode. I'm sure they'll trash me now, but I have to live with it. At least, now they know they can't scapegoat me like they did the other guy who never stood up to them and kept apologizing.
I always stay a few minutes late, take shorter lunch breaks ... I'm really trying my best to keep going.
I've been looking for a new therapist in my area, but it's difficult to find one you know will help you grow and change. Some out there have a degree, experience but no real interest in helping.
Today, I was feeling extremely off already (headache, eyes hurting), so I requested to leave early. I asked my manager and the other guy who is usually scapegoated by the two girls overheard me since he sits in front of me. Hence, he knew I wasn't feeling well and was going home. When I was packing my things, he started asking me questions: 'Where do you usually have lunch? Do you ever have lunch with other colleagues?' ...
First of all, I'm feeling unwell, knows I'm leaving early and he starts asking me random questions he's never asked me before. Secondly, why does he care who I have lunch with all of the sudden?
I'm not the most extroverted person, but when someone is already in a hurry/feeling unwell, you should respect their space.
This on top of the two girls ignoring me after my comment. I really can't deal.
Oddly enough the two girls didn't utter a word about him today. I have a feeling they're going to start scapegoating me instead and report my comment to the management. I have a feeling that even if they started ignoring me blatantly today, they'll report to the management that I am the one who did and people can't work with me.
I'm starting to wonder if I should stay in this company. The problem is I have good feedback from senior management, I certainly don't want to wind up jobless and I just finished my probation. This is so bad. I'm utterly confused.
Right here. You nip it right in the bud "I'm going home, I'm not feeling well".
End of discussion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Yes, you can, especially when you KNOW this is how they operate.
Stop taking on their drama. Stop assuming responsibility for their emotions.
Some people enjoy drama.
I don't get it, I really don't. But there are people who unless they have some conflict going on aren't happy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
OP, why are you letting two people get to you so much? So they ignore you, so what? That actually sounds like the best option you could hope for, given what they're like. And they scapegoat another worker? It sounds like they're a problem, and mgmt. is probably aware of it. This is a petty thing to consider quitting about, especially since you know the company appreciates you. It should be pretty clear that there are other people in the office you can be friendly with, like the other scapegoat, for one. So why blow the thing with the two women up into such a big deal?
And now you're imagining that mgmt. will be unhappy with you because you took 2 hrs. of sick leave? Really?? You seem to live in your head a lot. You seem to blow minor things all out of proportion, that's how some of this sounds. Just do you job. Take pride in your work, be cordial to your colleagues, and collect your paycheck. That sums it up for a lot of people. You're actually pretty fortunate, because mgmt. has already given you a pat on the back, right when you were worried about your neighbor undermining you. Focus on the positive.
Great advice. But I am really starting to think the OP enjoys drama.
I recently distanced myself from someone I was becoming friendly with when I started to realize(it took awhile....LOL) that they enjoy having conflict, everyone was always out to get them, could never any good in a situation,etc.....it's exhausting to deal with.
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Ha ok. I simply was surprised when I read your question. It seemed a bit odd to me.
