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It actually helps me to read those posts, as a daughter AND as a mother myself.
It helps me understand that so many people are just doing the best that they can, and the definition of "best" changes at any given moment, which in turn makes me a tad bit more compassionate.
We can't choose our parents. We can't dictate the conditions we grew up in. But when we are adults, we can choose the way we are going to relate to our parents.
I believe that when we look back on how our parents raised us, we do need to realize that as we judge, so will we be judged. But if there truly was abuse, mental illness, neglect, etc at the hands of or enabled by our parents, those are legitimate issues and don't need to be white washed or simply overlooked.
People can change. People can be repentant. People can make mistakes, realize those mistakes, own them, take responsibility for them, ask forgiveness for them, and move forward in life as better people. But this takes a LOT of courage and moral fiber. It's been my experience that those who are truly willing to put forth the effort to be a better person moving forward are the exception rather than the rule.
That's why doctors would rather prescribe meds to treat high cholesterol or Type 2 diabetes than try to get patients to actually make lifestyle changes. Most people find a way to justify not making healthy changes - mentally, emotionally, or physically.
And not only that - we can't demand change of other people - making sure WE are emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy is what we are responsible for (that and the health and wellbeing of our kids of course). That's it. We can't take on the choices and actions of other adults, even if they are our parents.
And if people won't respect healthy personal boundaries, they really don't need much access into our lives - I don't care who they are.
You must have had a good mother Calvert (?) I was raised by not one, but two dysfunctional alcoholics. There was no love, only survival. They were just a sperm and an egg donor to me. Why they were irresponsible enough to reproduce is beyond me. Neither one was equipped to be a parent. This happens more often then you think.
Yes, I was raised by two great parents who put their children's interests ahead of their own. And I believed that the overwhelming majority of mothers were, if not great, at least similar to mine. Some of these stories here... wow!
People with bad mothers do seem to be over represented here. My mom wasn't like that and I don't really know any that were.
It may be things that were hidden before are brought out to the front more. People tend to want to share more than in the past and some will use any opening in any situation to do so. If there was a thread about childhood presents there will be posts from people that never got one. If there was a thread about taking dancing lessons as a child there will be posts from people whose mother wouldn't take them. Some can't seem to ever let it go and will mention it at every opportunity.
And some adults have ongoing issues with their elderly parents. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean the dysfunctional parent suddenly starts behaving. And there you have it - where does love and forgiveness and kindness stop and enabling begin? It's a slippery slope and some parents NEVER quit the emotional manipulation.
Childhood has such a formative role in our lives, our personalities, our value systems, and expectations. It's no wonder that issues with parents continue as many people become adults, start their own relationships and families, etc.
Being raised in a loving home I never realized people were treated so badly.
"Mommie Dearest" was an eye opener. Even my best friend in school told me
recently how bad her life was, I never knew. She said in the 60's things were
different.
Most mothers are good or at least wanna be good. We as humans are incredibly flawed and don't always measure up to the ideal. That is at least what I've been telling myself the last several years and I think frankly it's probably mostly accurate.
I think that the truly horrific mommy dearest types are fairly small. The math and stats put out by the APA via the DSM would bear this out, granted in the entirety of the world it's probably a fairly large number, but whatever.
I didn't realize just how completely and utterly screwed up my mom was till I got a bit older and out on my own. I slowly started to see her more objectively and realize that I could have been a much better place in life if she'd had done her job properly and that sounds like I'm not accepting my responsibilities for my side. It's just when you're young and growing up you don't really understand the world and think dysfunction is normal. She didn't equip me with the right tools to prepare me really for adulthood as well as she should have. I say "she" because my mom was divorced from my dad when I was a baby and he I lived with her 99 percent of the time. My dad is another thread really, but whatever.
I had food and shelter growing up all of that was covered but my mother really shouldn't have had kids, where the line between a broken person with her own issues and abuse is IDK, I'm sure she was on the right side because even through all of her personal problems and demons I still knew that I was wanted and that circles back to what I said at the start in that I think she wanted to be a good mom.......
I ended up doing somewhat ok in life, went to school, went to college, got a good decent job bought the home. I've been in a LTR for longer than most married people I know. For my age group I'm in the top ten percent financially, not bragging, just sayin. We donate money, we try to help out where we can. I try to be a somewhat decent guy. I think really the thing my mom taught me was to try and do everything opposite of her. LOL. So maybe in that regard she did her job, who knows........
I feel really bad for people who had abusive parents. It should be a given that people who have children want them and will offer them a loving, nuturing environment. Unfortunately, we know that isn't always how things are in real life.
But mostly when reading threads about abusive mothers, I feel grateful that I have a very kind and loving mother. However, I often did butt heads with my father, but he's still a good person. Even though we didn't always get along, he was a good provider and a positive role model for me.
There are some really damaged, disturbed people out there.
... and they can be on one, both or either side of the equation. Not all children are perfect either, even when their parents have done their best. And there are a heck of a lot of misunderstandings out there too I think between mothers and kids that could be easily fixed if they would just communicate.
Additionally, except in passing, people rarely post about or, more particularly, start threads just praising their parents or kids (except perhaps when they are grieving after having just lost one or both).
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