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first off i do go to therapy once a week about this. but talking to therapist about this, is different than discussing to tohers
Back story:
Iwas provided for growing up. dad truly cared for me.
My mom however:
1), drank heavily. Normally, she was just abrasive. similar to the moms on the all the sitcoms who are argumentitive and always kind of putting down their sons.
however, occasionally she was explosively drunk. where she woudl scream and scream like in a blind rage. and throw thigns around.
2) dating back from as long as i can remember, she was obsessed with me being "gay". Im not gay, but thats what all her insults revolved around. She would also fabricate evidence that i was having anal sex like ripped boxers at 11 years old. obviously, i was 11 and not gay, so the whole thing was a mind ****. her go to insult was more or less implying that i was taking it up the ass or bending over for all the guys
3) She had no boundaries. Like she would grop my ass. like grop. She also put her hand on the covers right around where my dick was.
Her arguments and discipline was like non stop tearing me apart while i had to sit there for hours.
4) she hated that she was shy and had no friends in highschool. I was a normal kid looking back on it, with bad self confidence. I actually had a decent amount of friends. like completely normal.
however, she would make big scenes at family gatherings and with my friends parents that i wasnt normal. I wasnt social. I wasnt like the other kids.
she continually put me down for not being normal due to her perceived lack of friends or whatever
5) here is the one that really ****ed me up. She was super ****ing critical about weird things. Like she didn tlike the way my hands moved when i ran playing soccer, so i got grounded and she sat there and paced back and forth and mimicked my hand motion and said how embarrassed she was . how dumb i looked.
she would more or invent superfiical things to tear me apart on causin gme to get severe body dismorphic disorder as every part of my body was wrong.
6) due to the sevever body dismorphic disorder, I had a severe depression in college. She would send me text at night time saying that she knows i have no plans. She called me a loser when i dropped out of the faternity i was in. She would text me **** like this so much, that i threw away my phone and didnt have one for years
7) since i had no phone, she would send me this **** to my school email and i couldnt block it.
8) i ended up coming home for a semester as my depression and body dismorphic disorder got severe. She was terribly mean during this time and put me down for being a monster. i guess i was a monster for being depressed.
9) she completely had 0 boundaries at this point. I went on my first date ever at 21 and she called me 50 times or so and said i was a ****ing monster going out with whores. my brother had a gf at 11.
10) i ended up getting hospitalized for my depression and a near suicide attempt. she yelled at me so bad in the mental hospital that they wouldnt let me go for a long time as they were worried about how abusive she was.
11) three days after i was released she threw water bottles at me when i was zombied out in bed. cause i hadnt thrown them away and raged on me.
12) she kicked me out 5 days later onto the street because she claimed i was gay.(not gay, once again)
13) she continued to text or email for years after this point
post 26 years old
around when i was 26, she completely stopped and became a normal sweet happy person. i dont know if it was medications , a change in drinking or a fear of me never talking to her again.
i hae seen my parents like 4 times in 8 years.
My feelings:
My Mom: i feel like she was extremely cruel and she literally would not let up. when i had a suicide attempt she jsut kept screaming and calling me a monster. So now that im super successful, why would i let her back in my life?
i have extreme anger that she treated me that way. i completely hate this women, maybe ive built it up in my head. but i do not care if she is alive or dead. i dont wish harm to her. I just simply dont care, i have written her off
My dad: i have said alot of extremely hateful things to him, even though he has alwasy been there for me. and he has just taken it. I do this for two reasons
a) i blame him for her actions. as he enabled it. i was told to ignore it. the night after one of her meltdowns, i was told to move on and dont bring it up. he also continually gave her my contact information
b) he originally used to say that my child hood wasnt that bad and try to reason . i feel like he legit feels this way. he is a good person and he is in an abusive relationshp
however, since ive frozen them out for so long. he started to refuse to talk about it/ deny that **** ever happened despite me having emails of the **** she said. and wold try to force me into letting my mom in my life.
this is when i started saying hateful things to him. when he denied it.
My questions
1. am i making my child hood "abuse" out to be worse than it really is? im sure lots of people had bad childhoods. I do consider the possibility that i use it as a crutch as its easy to point and blame for shortcomings
2. Is my anger at my dad unfounded? should i feel guilty for lashing out at him and cutting him out of my life? he has always been there for me, but i do feel like he enabled my mom
Your anger at both of them is completely justified. Your father was never 'there for you'! He let your mother abuse you for your entire life! That's not being there for a son. He did nothing to protect you from an abuser!
You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about! You were the victim of your parents screwed up lives. They should feel guilty but since they are in full blown denial, they won't and you can't force them to.
Ditch them, run like hell, and do not look back because you will never get them to admit to what happened to you. Never. So don't even try. They do not deserve to have you in their lives because they are both abusers. GET OUT. Do not communicate with them in any way.
After that, do your best to get past your anger and enjoy your life. It sounds like you are well on your way to doing that. Keep it up!
1. am i making my child hood "abuse" out to be worse than it really is?
OP, you were sexually abused. You are not making it out to be worse than it was.
Unfortunately, anything that would help you deal with this is above our pay grade here at CD. I encourage you to keep talking about it with your therapist and do what they recommend.
I don't know anything about your counselor, but I'll just toss this out there: you've suffered serious trauma, probably multiple traumas. If you feel like your current counselor is helpful, fine. For future reference, there are counselors who specialize in trauma and family-of-origin issues. They'll help you move the rage out of your system with specific techniques and exercises for you to do at home. Just saying.
Are your parents still married? You say your dad has always been there for you, but he seems to be in denial about the severity of the problem. He actually gave your mom your contact info! Not good. Maybe he can't face how bad the situation is, himself. He should have done more for you, it's true, but try to see him as a human being caught in a bad situation, just like you. He can't handle it, and his coping mechanism is to deny it, and to some extent--to enable it. He's not as strong as you; you've been able to face the truth of it head on, to your credit. Your dad isn't able to do that.
Congratulations on your career success! Against all odds, you persevered in school, and are doing well! That's miraculous, considering the extreme situation at home. Be good to yourself, OP. Keep a healthy distance from your parents, as you're now doing. You can heal from this; you've already taken important steps in that direction.
Keep up the good work! One day at a time, one week at a time. We're here for you.
Don't all counselors focus on 'family of origin' problems?
No. Not at all. Some focus on counseling you on day-to-day issues. Some teach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which involves no exploration of childhood or the past. Others may let you blather on forever about whatever you choose to get off your chest, but they give you no feedback to help you understand the people or dynamics involved, and no tools with which to get past your emotions. Then, there are the Jungians, who have you work with/through your dreams, and dream symbolism.
There's all kinds of counseling out there, much of it useless for people who want to get into deep stuff and resolve their emotions or get to the root of behaviors that aren't working for them.
Yes, counselors do focus on family of origin problems, because that is where everything starts. Yes, your mother was abusive, emotionally and sexually. Sorry I did not read every word of the post. It takes a LOT of time to work through this kind of stuff, but sounds like you are relatively young. Just being able to acknowledge some of the events that happened and not brush them under the table or minimize them is a real step.
Hang in there with therapy. Not easy stuff but the rest of your life will benefit from working thru some of this trauma.
I am so sorry that you grew up in such an abusive environment, OP. You most certainly are not making your abuse out to be worse than it was. Yet you still managed to get through that living hell to become a successful and productive person. That took a lot of courage and strength.
Your anger at your father is not unfounded, parents are supposed to protect their kids, even if it means leaving a relationship. He failed to protect you from your monster of a mother, and that isn't right. Don't feel bad about lashing out and cutting him off, someone who lets their spouse abuse their child doesn't deserve to have a relationship with them.
I'm glad to hear that you're getting counseling. You've been through so much, and have a lot of legitimate anger to work through. I hope that over time you will be able to let go and move on from your traumatic childhood. It's a process, though, so don't set some sort of time limit to heal. Please don't be hard on yourself, and continue your therapy for as long as you need to. Wishing you all the best.
you are right in how you feel and your mom f ed up most of your life. you cant pretend it did not happen, as for your father, he will back his wife,and should feel responsible having her carry on this way all your life. Is she like this towards your dad? he should not ignore how you are feeling.
I would cut all ties with your mom. she has not helped or encouraged you in any way. you are an adult and need to keep the right people in your life. you do not owe her a thing! do not feel pity on her because people dont really change.
first off i do go to therapy once a week about this. but talking to therapist about this, is different than discussing to tohers
Back story: My questions
1. am i making my child hood "abuse" out to be worse than it really is? im sure lots of people had bad childhoods. I do consider the possibility that i use it as a crutch as its easy to point and blame for shortcomings
2. Is my anger at my dad unfounded? should i feel guilty for lashing out at him and cutting him out of my life? he has always been there for me, but i do feel like he enabled my mom
1. No. Your childhood was ghastly and you couldn't POSSIBLY make it out to be worse than it was.
2. No. Your anger at your dad is totally justified because he utterly failed to protect you. He is a nothing and not at all a man, or even a human. He's an emasculated little troll who - if he had any pride at all - would kill himself out of shame.
3. Your mother is a monster. Cut her out of your life and have nothing to do with her.
You can do it. It's hard. I've been there.... but you can do it.
Blessings and good luck.
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