Have you ever stepped on it?? (feel, person, member, children)
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Many, many times. It happens to everyone. Just the other day, I said "see you later" to a blind person. Ughhhh.
The worst I've ever done, was when we had one of beloved babies (dogs) put down. She had a life long fear of cars, so I had a mobile vet come to the house. I had not used that vet before. When it was done, the vet needed help carrying my girl out to her truck, as our dogs were very large. I said to my DH & the vet, "yeah, not only is she a big dog, but it's all dead weight". I was just using "dead weight" as a phrase. Only a few hours later, did it sink in, what I had said. I was mortified. Not so much w/my husband, as he understood I didn't mean anything by it, but this stranger vet. I hope she understood that in my grief, I simply used the term that's used when something is extra-heavy b/c their inertia is not helping in the lifting process. I'm still haunted by it, even tho' it was 10 yrs ago. How could I have said something so stupid & insensitive?
In the OP's case, I guess that's one of those questions, that I've learned is never ok to ask anyone. But then again, I don't find it the least bit unusual that the woman didn't have kids. I'm in my 50's & don't have kids. Most of my friends are in their 50's & 60's & don't have kids. Child bearers are a minority in my social circle. So, I don't think twice about someone not having them & my automatic assumption would be that they didn't want them. I would never ask though b/c some people want kids & can't have them, so I would find it an intrusive question to ask someone. That said, I get asked ALL the time. So, OP, it's obviously a question you won't ask in the future, but I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. LOTS of people ask it. Your friend obviously didn't want to answer & she didn't, she's moved on. I doubt she's harboring any anger towards you for asking.
I think that the vet wouldn't thought twice abut it. I'm sure that they must hear all kinds of things when that sorta thing happens. People aren't mentally in a their normal headspace so to speak.
Another gaff I have is about 2 years ago we had to put down our cat, he was getting old and had kidney failure. I knew he wasn't doing great but when we took him in to the vet as she was telling us about his condition it became apparent that he shouldn't suffer anymore I blurted out "F" in a loutish manner. I don't know if it was some kind of male Neanderthal response to grief or whatever, but I said I was sorry and I'm sure she probably understood that sometimes people react to pain in weird ways.
I'm sorry for your loss and I wouldn't worry about it anymore if I were you.
I think that the vet wouldn't thought twice abut it. I'm sure that they must hear all kinds of things when that sorta thing happens. People aren't mentally in a their normal headspace so to speak.
Another gaff I have is about 2 years ago we had to put down our cat, he was getting old and had kidney failure. I knew he wasn't doing great but when we took him in to the vet as she was telling us about his condition it became apparent that he shouldn't suffer anymore I blurted out "F" in a loutish manner. I don't know if it was some kind of male Neanderthal response to grief or whatever, but I said I was sorry and I'm sure she probably understood that sometimes people react to pain in weird ways.
I'm sorry for your loss and I wouldn't worry about it anymore if I were you.
You were probably hoping it wasn't going to be as bad, as what you were hearing & so then when you heard it, your brain caught up & went "oh F". I can totally see myself doing/saying something like that. Like you said, we're not in a clear frame of mind during that time & are sort of operating on autopilot. My condolences to you, as well. It's one of the hardest things to go through in life, IMO.
I have a dry sort of humor ... when a couple at work excitedly announced they were "expecting" I looked at him and said you are the father?? and went to shake his hand,,,,,but he flipped out ....saying he wasn't 100% sure,,,she is VERY friendly with a lot of men ..well they got in one huge screaming match .....and I was just joking around... never asked that question again..
We've been messaging back and forth for a little while now talking about various things. There isn't a sudden component here.
Talking to someone a few times on FB doesn't constitute any sort of meaningful relationship where it would be appropriate to ask a personal question like that. You feel like a boob because I think you were under the impression that you were close enough after a few chats to ask, and then came to find out you weren't.
Apologize to her, tell her that you shouldn't have sprung such a personal question on her like that, and let it go. If she ever wants to fill you in on that stuff, it's up to her.
If someone from high school (about that long ago for me too) suddenly messaged me and asked about my kids or if I had them, I would be kinda creeped out.
I completely agree. And to ask something so person....yikes! That would be a HUGE turn off. Quite frankly, why the high school girlfriend does or doesn't have children is NONE of his business! He's lucky she just ignored it. Many people would go off on him....can't say I blame them.
Maybe more than once, but DEFINITELY this particular time:
I didn't know my new mother in law well. I did know that at one time she had had four children but that she had a baby that died in an accident when he was 8 months old. That was a LONG time ago and the family simply didn't talk about it much if at all. My husband was the oldest child and even he didn't remember this sibling much at all.
Anyway, so I was pregnant with our first child and she said, "Oh, if it's a boy, have you considered the name Bernard?" and I said, "Bernard? No. That name reminds me of a dog."
She looked at her new daughter in law very flatly and said, "Bernard was the name of my baby who died."
Earth, swallow me.
Before I even finished reading this, my first thought was of a giant fluffy dog with a little barrel under it's head. Then I thought of Bernard the elf in one of the Christmas movies. Then I thought, oh boy that's going to be the baby's name, right? Open mouth and insert both feet. Talk about wanting to crawl under a rock!
I have a problem with you wanting to know someone's motivation for not having kids. One of the reasons is because they don't want them. All of the other reasons are not good and I doubt anyone would want to talk about it.
If a person does have kids most people don't want to hear about them.
When I was working for the airlines a guy friend and I were at Starbucks and he asked the barista when her baby was due... she got this weird look on her face and said, I am not pregnant. When the drinks were ready I went up around get them ( he was too embarrassed.)
Yup. That's why I don't ask those questions.
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