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I'm 40 years old and the friends I did have in my 20's and early 30's I either grew apart from or they no longer live near me. I still have a couple friends I keep in touch with from those days and we see each other maybe once a year when they are in town.
But as far as friends to hang out with and do things with I have absolutely zero. There's not one friend I could call up to hang out with.
My wife is my best friend and we like to do a lot of the same things. For instance we both like to go out and drink a few beers at bars/pubs on a Friday or Saturday night. We have a lot of the same interests. So we are always doing things together.
She doesn't have many friends either but she has a couple friends from work she meets up with now and then.
A lot of our time is spent with raising two kids so we don't have a lot of time to go out and socialize. We do go out on "date nights" twice a month and there are some people we know at one of our local bars but they wouldn't qualify as friends.
I kind of regret I let my male friendships from my 20's and 30's fade away.
Any other guys in their 40's (or younger) experiencing something similar?
Wow my life is the same. My husband is my best friend. I wouldn't call anyone I know a true friend. I'm ok with it. I like spending time with my husband. There are some things I would like to do that he doesn't like or won't and that's ok. Compromise.
I'm early 50s and in the same boat. Thing is, I really don't WANT any friends! My husband and I are each others' best friend and we're both perfectly happy that way. We both work full-time and live out in the middle of nowhere, and going back to town at night or on the weekends to socialize is the last thing either of us wants to do. We have tons to keep us busy on our off days, and frankly, I just don't want to make that sort of commitment. I don't want anyone's drama, problems, etc. harshing my peace and I don't care to sit around talking on the phone. I don't want anyone (except for our children, of course) to call me "just to chat". I do have several co-workers and people I'm friendly with through work, and we laugh and get along great, but when it's time to go home, it's MY time! Once several years ago I felt the need to make friends and started going to Sunday school at my childhood church, but I felt REALLY guilty using church for the wrong reasons so I quit going after 3 or 4 weeks. I'm stuck in the middle, not into the church scene, not into the bar scene. I could very well regret this later, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Excuse me, but most people have children and still manage to maintain friendships. My parents had a wide circle friends, all of whom gave dinner parties and such. But it's an on-going process. I suggest that you and your wife think up some things you like to do besides drinking beer, and join some groups that have those activities. Or you could try taking a class. Or doing some volunteer work. In fact, I was reading about an example of a parent who took the child along to do the volunteer work together, which sounded like a nice idea.
I'm 40 years old and the friends I did have in my 20's and early 30's I either grew apart from or they no longer live near me. I still have a couple friends I keep in touch with from those days and we see each other maybe once a year when they are in town.
But as far as friends to hang out with and do things with I have absolutely zero. There's not one friend I could call up to hang out with.
My wife is my best friend and we like to do a lot of the same things. For instance we both like to go out and drink a few beers at bars/pubs on a Friday or Saturday night. We have a lot of the same interests. So we are always doing things together.
She doesn't have many friends either but she has a couple friends from work she meets up with now and then.
A lot of our time is spent with raising two kids so we don't have a lot of time to go out and socialize. We do go out on "date nights" twice a month and there are some people we know at one of our local bars but they wouldn't qualify as friends.
I kind of regret I let my male friendships from my 20's and 30's fade away.
Any other guys in their 40's (or younger) experiencing something similar?
The bolded parts.
You and your wife seem to like to go to pubs and bars on weekends, do you ever make any effort to interact with others. You probably go to the same places and see familiar faces.
While bars may not be the best scenario the people you have spoken to, have you ever suggested meeting up for dinner? I'm guessing no.
How about an activity you like, you said you and your wife have similar interests. How about volunteering for something that interests you?
You have two kids, do you know their friend's parents? If not, why not? Invite them over.
Sounds like you were the one who let your friendships go by the wayside. People do tire of always being the one to call or to make the plans, are you guilty of making your former friends do all the legwork? If you were, learn from that and if you do make new friends, make it 50/50 not 80/20.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam
You know the saying ....... if you want to have a friend, be a friend. My bestie and I started out as her extending her hand to help me with something. We were mere acquaintances.
Another one was the other way around. I helped my new neighbor sweep the sidewalks. I thought it was stupid not to just wait for landscaping to come do it but it was important to her and so I helped with it.
I dunno. For all the folks who say their spouse is the only friend they need, you might want to rethink that.
My husband of 21 years was my BFF (or so I thought). He had a mid-life crisis and decided to leave me. I was super close with his family and I lost them as well.
Having one or two close friends is so important. Even if you have a super tight relationship with your S.O, they can get very sick or die.
I dunno. For all the folks who say their spouse is the only friend they need, you might want to rethink that.
My husband of 21 years was my BFF (or so I thought). He had a mid-life crisis and decided to leave me. I was super close with his family and I lost them as well.
Having one or two close friends is so important. Even if you have a super tight relationship with your S.O, they can get very sick or die.
Many people realize this, but still find it difficult to find or maintain friends. Sometimes it is what it is. I am an empathic person and don't relate well to cliques. Nobody needs to go around apologizing for their lack of friendships.
I dunno. For all the folks who say their spouse is the only friend they need, you might want to rethink that.
My husband of 21 years was my BFF (or so I thought). He had a mid-life crisis and decided to leave me. I was super close with his family and I lost them as well.
Having one or two close friends is so important. Even if you have a super tight relationship with your S.O, they can get very sick or die.
I realize that I will have to deal with either me getting sick or my husband and best friend getting sick, dying leaving one of us widowed.
If that happens to me, I intend to remain alone. I have no intentions of seeking out people to fill my days. I am fairly social and friendly but I hate commitment to social engagements, etc.
I would go out by myself, to shows, concerts, etc.
I was fine (a loner) before I married my husband and I will be fine if I outlive him.
I'm early 50s and in the same boat. Thing is, I really don't WANT any friends! My husband and I are each others' best friend and we're both perfectly happy that way. We both work full-time and live out in the middle of nowhere, and going back to town at night or on the weekends to socialize is the last thing either of us wants to do. We have tons to keep us busy on our off days, and frankly, I just don't want to make that sort of commitment. I don't want anyone's drama, problems, etc. harshing my peace and I don't care to sit around talking on the phone. I don't want anyone (except for our children, of course) to call me "just to chat". I do have several co-workers and people I'm friendly with through work, and we laugh and get along great, but when it's time to go home, it's MY time! Once several years ago I felt the need to make friends and started going to Sunday school at my childhood church, but I felt REALLY guilty using church for the wrong reasons so I quit going after 3 or 4 weeks. I'm stuck in the middle, not into the church scene, not into the bar scene. I could very well regret this later, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I love your integrity about not wanting to use church for the wrong reasons! Whenever anyone posts here about difficulties in finding friends, church is the first thing they often mention, along with Meetup groups and volunteer work. It seems so disingenuous to me to join a church just for the social part. I know a woman who is Jewish who joined a large nondenominational church just to participate in the singles group. She eventually stopped attending the Sunday service and just joins them after lunch. She never contributes a thing to the church, financially or as a volunteer. It seems like you'd always have to pretend to share the other church members' beliefs to fit in...kind of like living a lie.
I also have come to the realization that I don't want anyone else's drama, problems, etc. disturbing my peace. I've worked very hard through self-reflection, self-help books, yoga, and meditation to come to this point where I feel so at peace. I'm proud of how far I've come, but I also have to be honest to know that it's still a bit fragile and a work-in-progress. It can be said that I don't have to let other people's moods, negativity, undesirable personality traits affect me, but that's easier said than done. And if there is negative stuff going on and I'm not getting much/any positive, doesn't seem like much reason to try to develop/maintain a friendship. I deluded myself into thinking I was racking up karma points for "taking one for the team" and trying to be with/help people who weren't happy, well-adjusted, living healthy lives, etc., but the truth is that I never really helped anyone and that no one in fact asked for my help---they just wanted someone to hang out with to relieve some boredom and listen to their problems, negative views, etc.
Like you, not into the church scene or bar scene. But I doubt I will ever regret it. I doubt that on my death bed I will regret not spending time in bars, Meetup groups at loud, crowded happy hours and dances, or church, or neighborhood functions that I don't enjoy. I believe I will be more than satisfied if I can say I lived with integrity, not harming anyone else and being true to myself while managing to find contentment and peace.
I realize that I will have to deal with either me getting sick or my husband and best friend getting sick, dying leaving one of us widowed.
If that happens to me, I intend to remain alone. I have no intentions of seeking out people to fill my days. I am fairly social and friendly but I hate commitment to social engagements, etc.
I would go out by myself, to shows, concerts, etc.
I was fine (a loner) before I married my husband and I will be fine if I outlive him.
"Friends" can be a drain on time and resources, too. I had a bunch of women friends in my 20s, I don't miss most of them. I remember going out to lunch one day and one of the women berating me, loudly in public, because I ordered dessert: "I can't believe you are eating that. It's so unhealthy with all those carbs and sugar". I'd rather go out to lunch alone, seriously. I don't want to waste money and time being around people like this. I always felt judged by so-called friends.
I second the suggestion to check out a church, and also look for ways to befriend others. Take cookies to your neighbor, etc. join meet-ups in your town. Also consider visiting a nursing home once a month. The clients would love that, and it would make you feel a whole lot less lonely. If you can, get a dog to care for and walk. I hear that walking a dog is a great way to meet people. Grow a garden, etc. Hobbies naturally put you with others with the same interest. All the best.
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