Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I volunteer with someone who is a chronic complainer. Anyone and everyone she's with, she has to dominate the conversation by talking about herself, telling everyone how HARD her life is and how TIRED she is and how "it just never ends". She does not listen to others or ask them any questions. It's as if people and their wants/needs/feelings simply do not exist to this woman.
News flash: Some people are insufferable bores.
I'm not sure why you're telling us this when you've already decided not to do anything about this woman. Maybe buy her a smartphone and extoll the virtues of texting while getting healthy outdoor exercise?
It's because, on some level, you judge her. You judge her as a self-absorbed pain in the butt who is insufferable to work with. Not only are you absolutely right, you have every moral right to adjudge her so. Trouble is, it's not helping. It's just inducting yourself into her misery club as an associate member. She loves it. She's getting exactly what she wants, and it's all because you judge her.
The key is to assign her personal problems to the category of 'stuff that isn't my problem and that I decline to let her make my problem.' She needs to be in the category of insignificance.
This makes a lot of sense. She behaves the way she does because it gets her some kind of gain, probably people's attention, sympathy, and energy. While my reactions to her behavior are normal, she's getting what she wants from me in the form of my focus and energy. Putting her in the category of insignificance will extinguish all of this. Just because her knowledge of the job is important to me, does not mean she herself has to be important to me.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
She makes the environment very poisonous. Huge gossip. And the worst part about the gossip/complaining is, no one is safe. I've heard her talk in derogatory ways about people who I thought she really liked. So, there's no real loyalty there. Anyone can be thrown under the bus.
I may just move onto another opportunity because she's not going anywhere and much of what I do has to involve her.
Unless you enjoy the drama, and I realize some people do move on.
You never said how long you have been volunteering there, but it doesn't seem too long.
The fact that this organization allows her to act this way doesn't make them look good.
I would tell whomever is in charge why you are leaving in a polite manner. I'm sure you're not the first one to do so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ApresNY
You VOLUNTEER with this person. Can you change your shift? If not, Let her know you are listening, that you feel helpless that you cannot help her. And whatever you do, do not encourage her anymore by nodding, offering suggestions or other things that would make her continue venting. Let her know you are not a therapist (that may give her a hint.) And then bring up a happy topic, like the good results from your volunteer work.
You're contradicting yourself.
You can't on the one hand listen to all her woes, than say don't encourage her anymore by nodding, etc.
Because by active listening you are encouraging her.
One poster said to say things like "I have no opinion on that." "I wasn't listening." "That isn't germane to what we're doing here, so I'm not really paying attention." Or to say nothing at all.
That's how you handle it.
And that's when you have to handle is as when this person works in your office and you must interact with them. This isn't the case here.
Listening to her and letting her know you are listening is only going to make it worse. Now she knows she has your ear.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 18 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,356,252 times
Reputation: 5382
I had a friend complaining non stop about a woman who didn't want to be his friend anymore. I told him to shut the front door to put it nicely. There's plenty of fish in the sea. I couldn't understand why he was so wrapped up over this woman when they were platonic friends and only knew each other a few months.
Your post reminds me exactly of my ancient old grandma who passed away a couple months ago...she was a constant complainer, she was also a diva and needed attention...whenever she would start her **** we would put her in her place by either changing the subject or ignore her completely.
Your post reminds me exactly of my ancient old grandma who passed away a couple months ago...she was a constant complainer, she was also a diva and needed attention...whenever she would start her **** we would put her in her place by either changing the subject or ignore her completely.
Funny you mention that because the woman is my mother's age. This factor, in combination with the seniority factor, has caused discomfort within me when it comes to putting her in her place.
This. Ignore her when she talks about herself--offer no reaction whatsoever. When she asks if something's wrong, tell her, as was said above, you'd like to focus on your training.
Personally I've told people directly 'You don't seem to listen to others,it all seems to be about you',just to shock them into reality. I understand others might want to be a bit kinder than that, but I see no need for too much kindness with this sort of narcissistic and clueless individual.
First, I try to listen to them. Then I offer up ways that they can help themselves. Then I counteract it with something positive. After that I can be easily pushed to be more direct. I tend to lose patience with people who do nothing but complain. You give them advice and they swat it down. I straight up told this one guy that he has an Eeyore complex and that is why no one wants to be around him. Sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes it will set you free.
I work with a woman who is a chronic complainer. She was professional enough while actually working, but during breaks and such, she was truly vile. One time, we had a co-worker, who died. She complained about him for months and months after he died, and even commented how him dying was the best thing that ever happened.
He was nice guy, who dropped dead from a heart attack. Every single day, she'd complain about him. And the man was DEAD, and still she'd complain.
I couldn't take it anymore. She'd start in, and I'd turn around and walk away.
There were/are other things too.
I'd say to just ignore it. Leave the scenario when you can, but otherwise, just ignore it.
Someone like that needed confronting. Don't worry about hurting the feelings of the heartless, they have neither.
I'd talk to the Vol Coordinator. I would firmly request another co-volunteer. And my bargaining chip is, "I don't have to be here. I won't tolerate that behavior." Period.
I recall an outfit where I volunteered, we were visiting victims of major trauma. It was a long time ago, I forget the specifics but she clearly did not belong in an environment like that. I, and others, spoke with the head honcho. She was "fired" from direct contact with victims. I think she left the organization.
She was plenty steamed. These folks typically have approximately zero insight.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
