Handling a Chronic Complainer (talks, person, narcissistic, conversation)
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I volunteer with someone who is a chronic complainer. Anyone and everyone she's with, she has to dominate the conversation by talking about herself, telling everyone how HARD her life is and how TIRED she is and how "it just never ends". She does not listen to others or ask them any questions. It's as if people and their wants/needs/feelings simply do not exist to this woman.
You almost get the sense that she believes she's more important than everyone and therefore believes that her life and problems would be of high interest to others. Many people just go along with her and let her take center stage, but I often interject with my own stories. She'll react with an "Oh" or an "Ok" but there is never any real dialogue when it's about anyone else but her.
I realized today that she is suffocating to me. I feel managed down and drained when I interact with her because I end up feeling so insignificant. I also feel like I'm in some kind of parent role where she's the child, the endlessly needy child. The thing is, I have to spend time with her because she's training me on certain projects. How do you deal with a manipulative, dominating person such as this?
Divert her attempts to focus on herself. I'm assuming you only interact with her while working and not necessarily at lunch and other non-work related activities.
If she starts in again, just ask her if the two of you can concentrate on your training so you can be in a position to help her, faster.
I volunteer with someone who is a chronic complainer. Anyone and everyone she's with, she has to dominate the conversation by talking about herself, telling everyone how HARD her life is and how TIRED she is and how "it just never ends". She does not listen to others or ask them any questions. It's as if people and their wants/needs/feelings simply do not exist to this woman.
You almost get the sense that she believes she's more important than everyone and therefore believes that her life and problems would be of high interest to others. Many people just go along with her and let her take center stage, but I often interject with my own stories. She'll react with an "Oh" or an "Ok" but there is never any real dialogue when it's about anyone else but her.
I realized today that she is suffocating to me. I feel managed down and drained when I interact with her because I end up feeling so insignificant. I also feel like I'm in some kind of parent role where she's the child, the endlessly needy child. The thing is, I have to spend time with her because she's training me on certain projects. How do you deal with a manipulative, dominating person such as this?
Is there a paid person like a volunteer coordinator that you could talk to about this?
Kind of strange that someone who is so self involved is doing volunteer work, these types usually don't think of others. Is she court ordered to volunteer?
How long is the training?
I would speak to someone about her and going forward try and volunteer if possible when she isn't there.
I work with a woman who is a chronic complainer. She was professional enough while actually working, but during breaks and such, she was truly vile. One time, we had a co-worker, who died. She complained about him for months and months after he died, and even commented how him dying was the best thing that ever happened.
He was nice guy, who dropped dead from a heart attack. Every single day, she'd complain about him. And the man was DEAD, and still she'd complain.
I couldn't take it anymore. She'd start in, and I'd turn around and walk away.
There were/are other things too.
I'd say to just ignore it. Leave the scenario when you can, but otherwise, just ignore it.
Divert her attempts to focus on herself. I'm assuming you only interact with her while working and not necessarily at lunch and other non-work related activities.
If she starts in again, just ask her if the two of you can concentrate on your training so you can be in a position to help her, faster.
This. Ignore her when she talks about herself--offer no reaction whatsoever. When she asks if something's wrong, tell her, as was said above, you'd like to focus on your training.
Personally I've told people directly 'You don't seem to listen to others,it all seems to be about you',just to shock them into reality. I understand others might want to be a bit kinder than that, but I see no need for too much kindness with this sort of narcissistic and clueless individual.
I volunteer with someone who is a chronic complainer. Anyone and everyone she's with, she has to dominate the conversation by talking about herself, telling everyone how HARD her life is and how TIRED she is and how "it just never ends". She does not listen to others or ask them any questions. It's as if people and their wants/needs/feelings simply do not exist to this woman.
Many years ago, I had an acquaintance who was very similar. Apparently, he considered me to be his...sponge...who would absorb all of the travails that he spouted on a daily basis. Finally, I told him the following:
Chuck, here are the ground rules. For every complaint that you want me to listen to, you have to tell me about something positive that happened to you recently. If you don't have anything positive to relate, then please don't bother telling me about anything negative in your life.
This strategy actually worked, as it caused him to cease his daily recitation of complaints.
I used to work with someone like that. For every negative comment, I responded with something positive.
As an example:
Her: "Ugh. I hate this rain."
Me: "It's been dry lately so we need it. It'll help make the spring colors pop."
Have even more fun with it. See below:
Her: "Ugh. I hate this rain."
Me: "I love it. It makes burying bodies in the back yard so much easier."
Her: "My night was so awful. The problem was blah-blah-blah."
Me: "I had it bad, too. The cops brought in a SWAT team to manage the gun battle going on next door. Turns out he had kidnapped a family of 5."
Her: "I am so sick. This cold won't seem to go away."
Me: " I know what you mean, my leg fell off last night and I had to staple it on to come here today."
I think it is important to keep in mind with any volunteer activity that some people do not want to be there. They may be required to be there as part of court ordered probation/treatment. Not everyone volunteers out of the goodness of her own heart. The volunteer coordinator may know this and hoped that having this person trying you might help her get a better attitude, but it apparently has not worked.
With that in mind, just ignore it. She may really have a lot going on if she does have to do community services related to diversion/probation, etc.
I have a neighbor friend that had nothing but negativity to say all the time. Not about her personal problems, but mainly the HOA and the leaves, the ****ing leaves, over and over everyday and I'd just say 'I'm really enjoying walking our dogs, the sunshine, and conversation, but not if it's going to be negative. I don't care about the leaves and all these other things. Maybe you have some other neighbor friends with whom to share your concerns.
After that I halted her everytime she stared up again and she doesn't do it anymore.
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