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I was done commenting, until I saw what the three of you have said--all voices of reason IMO. I agree with all your points. I have no issue with someone exchanging a gift. In fact, this woman's sisters have all had babies and I've sent gifts without any of them sending TY notes. Yet, I continue to send gifts because I want to and it's the right thing to do for me. For all I know, they exchanged each and every gift, but that's their choice! (My adult kids always send TY notes and I'm always surprised how many millennials do not--it's a shame IMO.) But, the CC credit was unusual and worth checking out with the recipient. (After calling N today, I was told several items I'd ordered for the baby were never delivered, because they were either backordered or not in stock! So, even the credit was incorrect.) I've already purchased a generous gift card to another store she favors and will give that to her when I see her and her mother, my friend, this week at lunch.
I have no regrets handling this the way I did. Sometimes you might vent at first (we are all human) and mull over what to do, but in the end, you have to go with your gut. And, those gut feelings get honed after six decades on this planet.
Wait, I thought this was all over and done with, after you jumped to the conclusion that the new mom was a terrible ungrateful person, were mostly advised not to call her on it, called her on it anyway, found out nothing new, but for some reason, felt better about the situation, and couldn't believe we were all still talking about it. Why ever did you call Nordstrom again today?
Had you posted to say that you noticed the charge, called Nordstrom and realized that your friend, in the end had not received the benefit of the gift you sent and you felt bad or were concerned so we're wondering if you should call and apologize or send another gift (which in the end you did), the responses you received would have been quite different. Instead what you said was this:
And then called everyone who disagreed with you rude and unhelpful.
Exactly. There was zero concern for the gift recipient. It was all about how insulted the OP felt.
Wait, I thought this was all over and done with, after you jumped to the conclusion that the new mom was a terrible ungrateful person, were mostly advised not to call her on it, called her on it anyway, found out nothing new, but for some reason, felt better about the situation, and couldn't believe we were all still talking about it. Why ever did you call Nordstrom again today?
The credit N issued was incorrect.
What you've said about your own mother & her standards for TY notes/etiquette is interesting and may explain why you are so inexplicably worked up over this thread. You have "mommy" issues! You are projecting your own feelings about your mother onto me. So, maybe you can stop that now. Try not to be so mean and insulting, which seems to be your MO in other threads, as well. Just think what your mother would say
What you've said about your own mother & her standards for TY notes is interesting and may explain why you are so inexplicably worked up over this thread. You have "mommy" issues! You are projecting your own feelings about your mother onto me. So, maybe you can stop that now. Try not to be so mean and insulting, which seems to be your MO in other threads, as well. Just think what your mother would say
You knew how much the credit was when you called last time.
The nastiness in this thread started with your first post. It is blatantly obvious that you never cared about your "friend's" feelings, you only felt wronged, and wanted to embarrass her. I call it like I see it. It's not "mean." It's "honest." You claimed it was about etiquette. Someone put that argument to bed a long time ago with a quote from Emily Post. Emily disagreed with you.
I can spot BS from a mile away. For some reason those are the threads that hook me. It's fascinating, for some reason. Anyway, you didn't come here looking for advice on etiquette. You came here to bad-mouth a supposed friend. Through all of this, you never answered the questions about what info you got from talking to her, and how it made you feel any better.
As for searching old posts, I know how to do that, too. Let's just say there are bigger "sins" than returning a gift for credit.
I still disagree with the bolded part. It boils down to taking something that was meant for your child for your own needs or wants. That is not what good parents do. Do good parents frequently give their kids junk food when they are too young to know the difference because it might be easier on the parents to do so? If nothing else, clothing in a larger size (or even a toy meant for an older child) could have been bought and held until the child was older.
I do "get" that the baby does not know the difference, and I also understand that many people might view the gift as the gift for the mother (and/or parents). When I buy a gift for the baby, however, I mean that it is for the baby. And as I made clear in my first post on this thread, I would not have advised the OP to question the circumstances of the return because I don't think that would be the polite thing to do. (I posted before I read that it all turned out okay in that particular case.)
And, yes, I do realize that I am in the minority on this issue, and that could be because I am a senior, and I suspect -- and I could very well be wrong -- that most people posting on this thread are significantly younger than I am. The only reason I bring this up is because it seems to me that younger people are more self-centered than when I was a parent of young children. (However, OTOH, some young parents today seem to believe that their children are not only the center of their world, but that they should be the center of everyone else's world, too!)
Anyway, I have found this discussion to be interesting, but I will be leaving it now because I don't think there is any doubt about how I feel, and nothing more I think I can add!
I very much appreciate your kind words to me privately and you added a great deal of common sense and reason to this thread. So glad you weighed in.
I won't be posting in this forum again--way too much meanness and vitriol.
I think that etiquette would dictate that you say nothing. You give the gift and you have no say over what happens afterward.
However, if I'm understanding you correctly, that the credit came back to you - First, that's weird, because when I've tried to exchange or return gifts, they won't do it to the account purchased, because the recipient doesn't even know for sure how it was purchased. If the money was credited back to you as the giver, well, I'd be curious enough to politely say something like, "I saw the credit and was just wondering - did the item not work out well for the baby?"
In any case, it wasn't meant as an insult, so you shouldn't take it as one.
I have had that happen when a gift was returned and the account credited, as opposed to a gift card being issued. It happened with a close friend, and the next time I went to their house, and brought a hostess gift, I enclosed a gift card with a note that simply said "I was mistakingly credited for your gift. Enjoy!" There was no need for explanation, nor need to call them out on it, and she later told me that she had a bunch of exchanges and such and did not know what went where.
I was not personally attached to the gift, as it was something that had been on a registry, and people bought off registry, so I understood not needing three stand mixers, unless she was going into the catering business on the side. I didn't question it, but knew there was a slip up, somewhere, and she greatly appreciated the gift card, since mine was one for which she had a proper gift receipt. But, we're close friends, and adults, so tend not to get upset over perceived slights.
With regard to a back story, don't give gifts to people with whom there has been a history of hurt feelings.
I agree with you. In this case, the history was with her siblings who didn't send TY notes for wedding or baby gifts and another incident that I won't discuss here, but I continued to send gifts anyway.
I think that etiquette would dictate that you say nothing. You give the gift and you have no say over what happens afterward.
However, if I'm understanding you correctly, that the credit came back to you - First, that's weird, because when I've tried to exchange or return gifts, they won't do it to the account purchased, because the recipient doesn't even know for sure how it was purchased. If the money was credited back to you as the giver, well, I'd be curious enough to politely say something like, "I saw the credit and was just wondering - did the item not work out well for the baby?"
In any case, it wasn't meant as an insult, so you shouldn't take it as one.
That's exactly what I wound up doing, but there is "history" with this family and TBH I was reacting emotionally at first. But, I'm satisfied with how it was resolved.
I agree with you. In this case, the history was with her siblings who didn't send TY notes for wedding or baby gifts, but I continued to send gifts anyway.
That doesn't relate to this person. I hope I'm not judged on whether or not my sibling sends thank you notes!
That's exactly what I wound up doing, but there is "history" with this family and TBH I was reacting emotionally at first.
And that's what people were reacting to here. It sounds like you have calmed down and are now seeing the situation for what it really is. You over reacted at first. That's what people responded to, and that's what they said.
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