Rude to ask someone their ethnic background or nationality? (sociopath, personality, definition)
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Sometimes, I will meet a person and spend a bit of time with her/him and this person will have such an interesting face I am tempted to ask what his/her ethnic background/nationality is. It might be a training class, or maybe in a volunteer situation where we are doing a task together for several hours, or even someone I am walking with for a few hours on a hike. Example, today my husband and I walked on a group hike with a before-this stranger who was so much fun and likeable. We talked for hours about many things. His coloring was deep brown but he had reddish hair. I did not ask him but sensed he would not have been offended. Is it rude to ask such a question?
Occasionally, people will ask me this very question and I am not offended at all. But just curious if others may find the question to be rude.
IMO, it all depends on HOW you ask or how you approach the question. I have volunteered to guess what culture or country someone is from and, when they correct me, it's ALWAYS without animosity or offense to them. I think many folks are happy to speak about their ethnicity or cultural heritage if RESPECTFULLY asked about it. I'd guess there are dozens of kind and respectful ways to find out about someone's background, heritage, history, family, nationality, race, etc. and they'd love to talk about it if there is no judgement or discomfort from others.
It is a question we want to ask b/c the ??? is floating around in our head.
We have come to a time when it is not polite to ask.
Most of us know this, and for those who want to rationalize otherwise, you can, but know that
the general voice of public opinion respectfully disagrees with you and considers it to be a
a poke, a prod, a personal intrusion of political correctness.
Don't ask. Just wonder. In time the person might offer their grandmother's timpano recipe
and you can then ask from where the recipe originated...
I never feel the need to ask people where they come from, regardless of their looks or accent. Some people just don't understand the meaning of the word, respect.
I keep reading that it's all about *how* you ask it. To me, it has nothing to do with how you ask. That's just a justification for asking something that's NOYB, in my book. I can be asked in a very nice & respectful way, by someone who is NOT trying to be divisive & it's just as annoying to me. In fact, in my case, most people who ask me are NOT trying to be divisive, as I am a "white" European. I look a bit exotic, but it's usually my name that sets off the convo, not my appearance.
To me, it doesn't matter at all that they are asking nicely or respectfully...it's still the 10th time I've been asked this week & I want the phone call to my bank to last 30 seconds, not 10 minutes. I don't want to get into a convo about it. Not b/c I'm ashamed of anything, but b/c the where does your name originate question always leads to a million other questions & a geography lesson, a political lesson, a history lesson & a debunking of a variety of off-the-wall inane assumptions that they may be making. And that same convo happens pretty much EVERY SINGLE TIME I tell someone my name, both on the phone & in person, for my entire life. I can predict how the entire convo will go, pretty much verbatim. 10x/week, 52x/year, 40some years, it's simply an intrusive, tiring, unwelcome conversation. It's that simple. There's no deep hidden shame, I'm not out looking to find things to be offended by, I can have wonderful deep conversations with people I care about, but I am sick & tired of having the same convo with complete strangers 520 times/year X 40 years = 20,800x in my life, so far. The fact that they ask nicely, makes no difference at all, in my book, there is still no benefit to me in having that conversation with a stranger! It's a waste of my time.
If they are a friend, they obviously get more leniency, but if they are a friend, chances are it's already come up. If they are an intelligent, world traveler, then the conversation may be fascinating to both of us, but that happens about once every 4-5 years, not enough to make up for the 520 other times/year I've been asked.
I keep reading that it's all about *how* you ask it. To me, it has nothing to do with how you ask. That's just a justification for asking something that's NOYB, in my book. I can be asked in a very nice & respectful way, by someone who is NOT trying to be divisive & it's just as annoying to me. In fact, in my case, most people who ask me are NOT trying to be divisive, as I am a "white" European. I look a bit exotic, but it's usually my name that sets off the convo, not my appearance.
To me, it doesn't matter at all that they are asking nicely or respectfully...it's still the 10th time I've been asked this week & I want the phone call to my bank to last 30 seconds, not 10 minutes. I don't want to get into a convo about it. Not b/c I'm ashamed of anything, but b/c the where does your name originate question always leads to a million other questions & a geography lesson, a political lesson, a history lesson & a debunking of a variety of off-the-wall inane assumptions that they may be making. And that same convo happens pretty much EVERY SINGLE TIME I tell someone my name, both on the phone & in person, for my entire life. I can predict how the entire convo will go, pretty much verbatim. 10x/week, 52x/year, 40some years, it's simply an intrusive, tiring, unwelcome conversation. It's that simple. There's no deep hidden shame, I'm not out looking to find things to be offended by, I can have wonderful deep conversations with people I care about, but I am sick & tired of having the same convo with complete strangers 520 times/year X 40 years = 20,800x in my life, so far. The fact that they ask nicely, makes no difference at all, in my book, there is still no benefit to me in having that conversation with a stranger! It's a waste of my time.
If they are a friend, they obviously get more leniency, but if they are a friend, chances are it's already come up. If they are an intelligent, world traveler, then the conversation may be fascinating to both of us, but that happens about once every 4-5 years, not enough to make up for the 520 other times/year I've been asked.
I posted here twice already, but I totally agree, although I've never been in a lengthy convo w/ a stranger in my life as MsMetal has above. A person can be as sweet as pie when they ask, it's still none of their business, simple as that.
I don't knokw how others feel about what I'm about to say, but throughout my life personally, there's times I don't mind being asked AND there's times I DO mind.
If it's just random people who I'll never see again, then maybe OK.
But, specifically people who I work w/ who I'll see on a regular basis, I mind a TON more & don't wish to tell them. Why some may ask?? Because if people at work know, they're going to base how they treat me in the future by all their preconceived ideas, prejudices, other opinions, etc. & since I have to work w/ those people day in & day out, they may or may not treat me nicely anymore. If anyone thinks I'm exaggerating, I'm not in the least.
I'll give a brief example of one situation in my past:
Back when I was in school to be a teacher, I had to do some student teaching in which they assign a "master teacher" to work under...THANKFULLY, it's only about 16 wks long for ea of the terms we have to do that's mandatory to graduate!
I had this one master teacher. Fortunately when there were about 1-2 wks left of the session, he asked my ethnicity. I told him because he'd been OK all along before. Man oh man, the next day, he made racial comments about my ethnicity in a mocking way & if that's not bad enough, in front of numerous people!
My grade depended on him, so there wasn't anything I could do at that moment, but fortunately we had the opportunity to give feedback on how the teacher was & I described what he did & said in as professional a way as possible that he doesn't deserve the chance to have another student teacher & why. Whether he ever had one again or not, I'll never know.
I can't rep you again ForeverBlue, but that's an interesting point. For me, I tend to find it more annoying with the people I'll never see again, just b/c it's such a time waster. But your point totally makes sense to me that with people you regularly interact with, there's a lot more chance that they'll treat you differently, based on their biases or incorrect assumptions.
I like when people ask and like to be asked. It a stupid American stigma. If we just calmed down a bit, think of the learning /teaching opportunities.
Agreed. I don't ask often, but if I suspect someone is Hapa like myself, I may ask them in a polite way. That's how I met my best friend, who is helping me learn Mandarin (Chinese).
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