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This is really pretty minor in the scheme of life, but I don't really want to tell it to my friends and family because it's embarrassing!
I've been divorced for 10 years and let a lot of old grievances rest without resolution in order to raise our children peacefully. Once our kids got to 11/12 grade, we started having some graduation activities and college prep activities that I attempted to include him in. THere have been a few times when I've gone to some length to facilitate an activity or event that we have included the ex in...like college tours.
Yesterday we took two cars to a university about an hour and a half away. I arranged the transport, reserved the spot on the tour, and communicated with two departments to come and meet with them about their programs (daughter is VERY undecided about what to study so IMHO the departmental visits are important to give her some ideas for what opportunities there are) This was a lot of effort on my part.
I had to work in the am so I asked my daughter to accompany me and paid her handsomely. This gave us a tight timeline but worked really hard to map it all out so it would work. We ended up getting stuck behind a tractor so we were 5 minutes later than we wanted to be. THis is the kind of thing that annoys my ex but he didn't say anything. Ex arrived early and scouted the athletic complex with his stepson in mind. We hop the shuttle to the main campus, find our destination on the map, and hoof it 10 minutes. The building was under construction so we had to go all the way around it. Daughter is 20 paces ahead, ex is 10 paces ahead, I trip over the edge of a construction cone and do a somersault onto the grass. Ex turns around, sees the construction guy dusting me off, then keeps walking. Construction guy is far more concerned about me than ex. (This is typical of ex. I did something potentially embarrassing so he pretended not to know me. Also important to him to arrive on time regardless of consequences. Didn't inquire about my well being. Luckily I was unharmed)
We arrive exactly on time. To the wrong building because I had gotten the names mixed up. Called for directions and to tell person we would be late. Hoofed it back, found the correct building but couldn't find the correct door so we were 15 min late for our first departmental appointment. Profuse apologies to the department rep. To me, no big deal, to him an annoyance. Grabbed lunch, where we joked a bit over my somersault which daughter hadn't even known about. Went on main campus tour (again I mixed up the name of the building we were to meet at but we found it). Ducked out early to go to second departmental tour. Step into building, open up phone to find room number, phone dies completely. (strike 6) luckily stumble upon dept chair who gives us lovely tour before passing us off to the person who was supposed to meet us. Ex is kind of checked out at this point, not saying much, but I am festering because I KNOW He is annoyed by my general incompetence. Last tour is successful and helpful. Head back to parking area. I've forgotten to put parking pass on windshield (Strike 7) but no parking ticket Whew! We part ways and I head home alone.
The entire day ex is really tired and somewhat disconnected from the process. He doesn't have much to say, and the only time he expresses much interest is when talking about step-sons college goals.
I know I'm totally overreacting to think that he is cataloging my faults or inwardly smirking at this continual proof of my incompetence. But he does it. My kids have delivered evidence of his comments about me to his new wife or his parents. (I don't have a new spouse to comment to)
I do not let it show that I am feeling pressured to perform well during the day, but I'm feeling it. I kept smiling and focused on showing my daughter a good time.
I have recently learned that I have ADD. Me making small mistakes like that is a typical thing. Long day/elaborate plan=more mistakes to work with. I have learned to think on my feet, understand and forgive myself. If he were not there, we would have had similar results but a much better time without the gloom he casts. In the past, he would have been openly critical, so I guess he's making progress.
My daughter recognizes his mood/attitude as well, and really struggles to feel like she is living up to his expectations. Did I cause that by not managing myself better? I don't chastise others when they make mistakes. Oops! Let's clean that up/fix it/move on. Truth is, daughter acts like him much of the time, taking shots at others when they mess up. (or when she perceives they've messed up)
Would it have KILLED him to thank me for planning this day? It seems he feels exempt from acknowledging my efforts if they don't turn out well. But maybe he wouldn't thank me anyway. If it were up to him, NONE of the extra things I do for our kids would take place. He is not a planner. In the past when I left him to get kids places they were supposed to be, he'd just shrug it off (sometimes things that we had already paid for).
I can deal with some of these slights, but a whole day of it is hard on my psyche. In the course of the day, many of our plans turned out right...far greater than the number of things that turned out wrong.
If you've gotten this far, thanks for listening. I'm largely over it now, but I'll hesitate before including ex again anytime soon!
He sounds like an unpleasant jerk. From now on ask your daughter if she wants to invite him along. If so, she invites him. If not...she updates him afterwards.
It looks like you did a really good job. Most people get lost/confused on a college campus, especially on the first visit. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Don't allow him to control you in any way.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Unfortunately you tried too hard. If someone told me to be very careful of not hurting or damaging something, inevitably I would damage it. If they hadn't said a word, I would not have concentrated so hard and not have screwed up.
You knew how your ex thinks and you tried so hard not to give him ammunition that you ultimately sunk yourself.
Do not include him any longer unless he asks. Also, put your foot down and let your kids know you do not want to hear what he may be saying behind your back. All that does is undermine your confidence.
The number one rule in a divorce that involves children is one should never talk about the other ex in front of them. You can't control what he does, you can control not hearing about it. He is a colossal jerk, hence the 'ex' status
He sounds like an unpleasant jerk. From now on ask your daughter if she wants to invite him along. If so, she invites him. If not...she updates him afterwards.
Yes, it does sound like you've went out of your way on the planning. Is there a reason why daughter didn't have more involvement in the process? (That's what it sounds like in the OP.) Daughter should be the one to help facilitate the tours and inviting then dealing with the dad. The whole step son thing has to gnaw a bit at your daughter, personally I feel annoyed for her.
Quote:
My daughter recognizes his mood/attitude as well, and really struggles to feel like she is living up to his expectations. Did I cause that by not managing myself better? I don't chastise others when they make mistakes. Oops! Let's clean that up/fix it/move on. Truth is, daughter acts like him much of the time, taking shots at others when they mess up. (or when she perceives they've messed up)
I think daughter could have a heart to heart talk about this behavior. She needs to recognize such behavior is unhelpful and will eventually hurt others-- which will not help her in the long run. No one likes that behavior and taking potshots is not good character. I think the only thing you messed up in perhaps instilling the expectations, need and thinking that dad's approval is very important-- not your "bad" planning or clumsiness. He doesn't sound very involved which makes it hard to give more value to his approval.
Do not include him any longer unless he asks. Also, put your foot down and let your kids know you do not want to hear what he may be saying behind your back. All that does is undermine your confidence.
The number one rule in a divorce that involves children is one should never talk about the other ex in front of them. You can't control what he does, you can control not hearing about it. He is a colossal jerk, hence the 'ex' status
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
Yes, it does sound like you've went out of your way on the planning. Is there a reason why daughter didn't have more involvement in the process? (That's what it sounds like in the OP.) Daughter should be the one to help facilitate the tours and inviting then dealing with the dad.
Up above.
I have worked with people like your husband, in the corporate world. They don't actually do any of the work, but freely criticize the work of others (and no, they were not in a supervisory role). That was their sole "contribution" - show up and criticize anything done. When you tried to give them duties in a project - out came the excuses why they did not have the time.
Stop inviting him. You don't need that in your personal life.
You already understand that you have an issue with over planning and missing out on details, it's time to really start doing that. Maybe you have to actually say to your ex that you have enough to manage trying to get yourself to a place, and he is welcome to make his own arrangements if he's interested in joining. It doesn't sound as if he really even cared to go on the trip anyway, and you tied yourself up in knots trying to still make it work.
I was also diagnosed with ADD as an adult, so I understand how difficult it is. I really recommend trying some medication, it was such a blessing for me.
I used to totally freak out at my late husband because he always made us late for everything including my niece's wedding. To be honest, I would have been annoyed at you for getting the names mixed up for this reason: you know you have ADD, why didn't you write the information down so this wouldn't happen? My memory isn't what it used to be so I write everything done, sometimes in more than one place. That part is on you.
That being said, the rest of it was him being a jerk and probably the reason he IS your ex. You put a lot of work into this despite the name mix-up and he didn't even say thank you or show any appreciation? I agree with the other posters: stop inviting him.
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