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If he works, being only in his 40's, and the OP doesn't, why are walks occurring when he's around, anyway? Is it only on weekends that they run into each other? Can't the OP use a different walk route on the weekends? Does this really even have to be a recurring problem? When do the multiple phone calls occur? Evenings on weekdays, but all day on weekends? Doesn't the couple ever go out during the day for weekend activities together?
And stop worrying about how to be "nice" to him, or worrying about his being "lonely." He can talk to his wife or get a therapist or make some male friends. It's amazing to me how women are too often still willing to put someone else's "feelings" over and above their own safety. You don't know this looney-tune; you know know what he's capable of. His behavior is beyond creepy; stop making yourself a target (are you a woman or a mouse?), and tell him to knock it off.
But first get the alarm system installed. Yesterday.
Last edited by OrganicSmallHome; 04-19-2017 at 11:50 PM..
Some people are just like this. I don't know if anyone remembers, but a year or two ago I started a thread about my "Stalker Neighbor". These people have to be managed and the boundaries constantly reset, and it never stops. In the case of my stalker neighbor, I have come to the conclusion that for some reason she imagines that we are much better and closer friends than we are, and that is because she does not see herself as the rest of the world sees her. I can't dump stalker neighbor because we are on the board together at this condo complex. I do enjoy hanging out with her occasionally, but again, she sees our friendship as more than it is, and not just with me.
On occasion I have introduced her to other friends of mine at different times. One friend was visiting from out of state, and we stopped in at SN's house one night and drank some wine and had some laughs. The next thing I know, SN tells me that the next time I go to visit the out-of-state friend, she wants to come. I was taken aback, because out-of-state friend does not easily let people into her home and this woman should know better than to invite herself to stay a weekend at the home of someone she met once. In another case, another friend of mine who SN met once invited a few women over to her house for drinks and food. I knew SN had plans with her grandson, so I told her where I was going, and then when I got to my friend's house, I found that SN had sent her a message saying "I would have loved to join you, but I had a date with my grandson." SHE WAS NEVER INVITED. I cannot say I am going to visit my own mother without this woman saying, "I would love to come for the ride with you."
This weekend, I had to lie. I don't like to lie as a general rule for my life, but my out-of-state friend is coming up for a visit and will be in the area, but not staying with me. At Christmas, SN sent out-of-state friend a Merry Christmas message over Facebook Messenger, which out-of-state friend returned in kind. SN then told me that out-of-state friend told her she was invited to come down with me next time I visit. I checked with out-of-state friend, and her response was, "I did not EVER invite her down here. What a manipulative hag." She no longer wants anything to do with this woman in any way, shape, or form. SN wanted to know what I am doing this weekend, so I lied and said I have plans with friends from my old job that she has never met, because if I tell her the truth, she will invite herself along, and then I am in the position of having to tell her that the other friend just does not want her there.
How is it that someone behaves this way? She is not lonely, she is not on the spectrum. Does she think so highly of herself that she assumes her presence is welcome and she can therefore just shove herself into other people's lives? Is there anyone out there who sees themselves in my Stalker Neighbor or in the OP's neighbor? If so, what is it that makes you NOT stop and ask yourself if your intrusiveness is welcome or not?
I have a neighbor who befriended me. He is a middle-aged married man and I am a retired female about 10 years older than he. He did me a lot of favors helping me fix things at my home, and even though I paid him he charged me well below market rates. He is super-friendly and sometimes shows up unexpectedly at my door with some home-made food.
The thing is, he is overly-friendly and a bit over-bearing. He phones me nearly daily. Today he has already called me three times. He is constantly inviting me to do things, like last night he wanted to grab a casual dinner, to which I said no, and insists that when I pass by his house on my daily walks that I engage in conversation with him. Even though I nearly always say no, he never stops inviting me to do things. I'm getting tired of it. There really aren't a lot of alternative walking routes to avoid running into him all the time.
I would be happy to be on an acquaintance level with this fellow, but I feel like he thinks we are really good friends. The endless pressure to socialize or join him in activities is getting on my nerves. I don't think he has any romantic interest. He does not seem to do that many activities with his wife though, he may be lonely, and I often feel like saying to him, "Why are you pressuring ME to go out to eat or socialize? You have a wife." I'm not very sociable and go out very little, and that's how I like it.
How can I put this "friendship" back on a more distant acquaintance level? Any ideas?
The bolded is the key here. I too don't think your neighbor has any romantic interests or nefarious intentions, but like mine, is just missing something in their self-awareness of how others perceive them.
It is a shame, because these people can be likable in some ways, but when they become so intrusive and overbearing, it makes everyday life a bit difficult.
Some people are just like this. I don't know if anyone remembers, but a year or two ago I started a thread about my "Stalker Neighbor". These people have to be managed and the boundaries constantly reset, and it never stops. In the case of my stalker neighbor, I have come to the conclusion that for some reason she imagines that we are much better and closer friends than we are, and that is because she does not see herself as the rest of the world sees her. I can't dump stalker neighbor because we are on the board together at this condo complex. I do enjoy hanging out with her occasionally, but again, she sees our friendship as more than it is, and not just with me.
On occasion I have introduced her to other friends of mine at different times. One friend was visiting from out of state, and we stopped in at SN's house one night and drank some wine and had some laughs. The next thing I know, SN tells me that the next time I go to visit the out-of-state friend, she wants to come. I was taken aback, because out-of-state friend does not easily let people into her home and this woman should know better than to invite herself to stay a weekend at the home of someone she metonce.
But she doesn't know better. MQ, I'd have handled this differently, after being fed up with her impositions for years. I'd have said, "Oh, that wouldn't be appropriate. See, my friend only met you once. She really doesn't know you hardly at all. It's not my place to invite friends, anyway, when I'm the invited guest myself, not the hostess. It would be presumptuous and rude of me to do that. I don't want to treat a good friend that way."
That would give her food for thought. This is how people who have no clue about personal boundaries and etiquette learn. If she were to take offense at that, that's her problem. If she did, it might solve your problem, though; she might start leaving you alone.
But she doesn't know better. MQ, I'd have handled this differently, after being fed up with her impositions for years. I'd have said, "Oh, that wouldn't be appropriate. See, my friend only met you once. She really doesn't know you hardly at all. It's not my place to invite friends, anyway, when I'm the invited guest myself, not the hostess. It would be presumptuous and rude of me to do that. I don't want to treat a good friend that way."
That would give her food for thought. This is how people who have no clue about personal boundaries and etiquette learn. If she were to take offense at that, that's her problem. If she did, it might solve your problem, though; she might start leaving you alone.
It sounds good, and should it arise again, I will use a version of that, but when you are unprepared for someone saying something like that, those types of carefully chosen words aren't likely to spring to the fore. As it is, when she first invited herself to my friend's house (let's call her Jane), I didn't even understand what she was saying at first. I had been telling her about something I'd heard on a classical music station on my trip home from visiting Jane, and her response was, "I can't wait to take the ride with you." I said, "What? Take what ride with me where?" And WTF does this have to do with Stravinksy's Rite of Spring????
She said, "To visit Jane. I want to go with you next time you go." So I sort of laughed a little and said, "Well, you can't just invite yourself to someone's house for the weekend, ya know." And she looked at me with a patronizing smile as if I were a retarded child, and said, "C'mon. I'm sure Jane would LOVE to have us come for the weekend." I was just kind of taken aback at the nerve and changed the subject. But then with this last time at Christmas, with her actually making up an outright LIE about being invited to Jane's house, I got angry. I didn't know for sure that it was a lie until I confirmed it with Jane, but if she ever says it again, I am calling her on lying and tell her, "No, Jane did not invite you down. I asked her." I almost hope that she does.
I really don't think she will learn at this stage in her life. All I can do is set the boundaries--and, as much as I don't like to do so, flat-out lie to her about my activities when necessary.
How is it that someone behaves this way? She is not lonely, she is not on the spectrum. Does she think so highly of herself that she assumes her presence is welcome and she can therefore just shove herself into other people's lives?
Why, why, why??? What difference does it make?
I don't think such people are worth analyzing and spending time trying to figure out why they do (whatever). I also wouldn't bother trying to come up with excuses to use "the next time" and the time after that. You keep responding by being "nice" and they keep pushing. You don't owe explanations; your activities are none of her business - period. It will go on and on and on and on and on............... Someone upthread used the term "time parasites".
SOUTION: Such blatant intrusiveness deserves to be completely ignored, to the point of not even being civil. I have an intrusive neighbor and when/if I see her at the dumpster, etc. I just nod (saying nothing) and keep walking - even if she's in the middle of a sentence/question. Sometimes I don't even nod. (Of course I'm different/friendly with other neighbors. those who aren't a PITA.)
Good fences make good neighbors. Period. Having a neighbor as a friend is inviting disaster.
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Someone upthread used the term "time parasites".
