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Old 04-20-2017, 10:47 PM
 
8,238 posts, read 6,536,048 times
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I noticed that now that my friend's mother has died (one year ago) my friend's sister and the sister's husband don't want to put up with my friend anymore, particularly his sister's husband.

For example, last Sunday Easter Sunday, neither the sister nor her husband spent any time with my friend - which they had done EVERY holiday for years and decades when the mother and father were alive.

So, it happens in families - where siblings or relatives are tolerated and have holiday dinner together while the mother and father are alive, but that ceases after the mother and father are gone.
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Old 04-21-2017, 07:58 AM
 
10,494 posts, read 6,935,803 times
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My mother's boyfriend. Yikes.

Okay. Eighteen years ago, my widowed mother was doing okay. She was making decent money selling real estate after my father's death. Had a nice townhouse and had time for her children and grandchildren.

And along comes David.

Mind you, my brothers, my sister, and I did indeed want my mother to find new love in life. No problem there.

The problem? David was married, and still is married. But he lived with my mother. He won't divorce his wife because it would affect his military pension. Mind you, the guy owns five homes of his own, but he lived with my mom. Not only that, but he monopolized her time. As in he would insist that she be with him at all times, to the detriment of her time with family. So she abandoned her career selling houses and went on Social Security at age 63 so she could do David's bidding. Now at 83, my siblings and I send her a monthly check because she and David burned through her savings. But do you think my mother is in his will? Absolutely not.

Here's a good example in a nutshell. My mother has always had a thing about acknowledging birthdays. She's great about that. But with David in her life, this is how she observes her grandchildren's birthdays, year after year: She pulls into the driveway, honks the horn, and me and the birthday child get the proffered gift shoved through the window. I invite her in, and she says, "No, David needs me to...." The guy exerts that much control over her life.

I mean, my mother has missed countless band concerts, soccer games, baseball games, school plays, et al, for her ten grandchildren because David has always got something he needs done, and David takes priority. If you call my mother, he gets on the other line and chimes in, like anyone gives a damn what he has to say. All of this means that I haven't had a substantial conversation with my mother in years. Hey, a huge part of that is my Mom's fault, but still.

At every family event, in every single conversation, David monopolizes the conversation. Every subject somehow leads to a conversation about his days in the Air Force. Three weeks ago, my wife and I had a nice little trip to Key West. While normal people might ask what we did, etc., David heard the phrase "Key West" and proceeded to give us a 45-minute monologue about how many times he flew into Key West, what the weather is like in Key West, blah blah blahbity blah. Never took note of the eyes glazing around the dinner table. Never noticed people glancing at their watches. Because the man doesn't have conversations. He just has soliloquies. And lest you think this is a product of old age, no worries, for he's been doing this for 18 years.

So David gets prostate cancer years ago, but it has been managed all this time. Last year, he had side effects from the chemo and goes into rehab for three weeks. The doctors tell David that he will need to have 24 hour care, because he couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. And he expected my 83 year old mother to be that person to administer round-the-clock care. The doctor said that, under no circumstances should the man be allowed to drive a car. But he told the doctor to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, so he started driving my mother places despite being a danger to everyone on the road.

My brothers and sister put our collective feet down. He has four kids of his own. It was their turn to take care of him. So my mother finally has enough guts to tell him and he just shows up the next day with his kids and a U-Haul and they take his stuff. He wouldn't even go into the apartment and tell her goodbye.

I think, good riddance. But the guy oozed right back into her life. He doesn't live with her, instead taking up residence with his whack job of a daughter. But he's there every weekend, still expecting my mother to cook for him. So he comes to all the family functions and gets ignored by everybody, because we don't like him and we're all terrified to be trapped into another one of his air force stories.

And while I want everybody to enjoy long life and health, this guy has overstayed his welcome. With his cancer and heart condition, he continues to keep putting one foot in front of the other year after year. My brother has started calling him the World's Ugliest Everyready Bunny. Let me tell you, when that guy goes to the Air Force Base In The Sky, there will be nothing but dry eyes among my siblings at the guy's funeral.
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Old 04-21-2017, 08:12 AM
 
Location: State of the closed-minded
296 posts, read 215,205 times
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I tolerated the relatives on my mother's side, because she herself said I would if I cared about her.

My dad had a dislike for her relatives, the justification for which I couldn't always see.

It really would hurt to know that your blood relatives are disliked by both your spouse and child, but I'm not so sure my mother was cared about that much by the relatives for whom she held up.

My mother was the parent I loved the most, my dad was rather stone-hearted, but his relatives were and are level-headed, in comparison with those of my mom.
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Old 04-21-2017, 09:33 AM
 
201 posts, read 235,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReeceJackox View Post
Saw this on another forum so thought I would start it here , is there anyone you be friends with or be friendly with just to please other people?
Not just non-romantic relationships. Spouses put up with each other for sake of kids...
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Old 04-21-2017, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Texas
4,842 posts, read 3,608,891 times
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I only have a husband and a son. A couple cousins but we aren't close.

I guess when we lived in WA I put up with my husband's family. Most are genuinely nice tho.
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Old 04-21-2017, 11:13 AM
 
Location: Southern MN
11,919 posts, read 8,247,703 times
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In-laws, all their close friends and assorted relatives. We'll be celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary this Spring so it can be a long haul. It was my gift of love for my husband.


I was determined not to let anyone interfere with the harmony of our relationship. (And sometimes it seemed like some of them were determined to do so!) And sometimes it happened anyway. I don't think that's particularly unusual from what I hear and read from others.


The main offenders are in the ground now but if I had simply "tolerated" them I would have lost my sanity a long time ago. I could see I had to do better than that. So I figured out how to have limited relationships with them. It was based upon finding simple common interests and building on that.


I even have plants in my yard planted in the honor of some of them which I have let my DH know were placed there for him. I don't tell him I am very satisfied to have those folks exactly where I can keep an eye on them now. Heh.
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Old 04-21-2017, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,242 posts, read 12,826,951 times
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I think we might be the people DH's relatives put up with. One of my SIL's employees was frank enough to tell me exactly what my in-laws think of us. She meant it as a slam but the fact that she felt emboldened enough to insult someone she'd never even met told me a lot about how we're talked about in our absence.

I must say, though, DH's relatives were good to me when my MIL passed away on my birthday. DH was devastated but he didn't show it. It's not the first time people have been kind to me when he needed the sympathy far more.
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Old 04-21-2017, 01:25 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,328,288 times
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I don't care for my wife's oldest daughter. More than that, I don't trust her. She took an instant dislike to me when my wife and I married because I'm a former cop. She tried to break up our marriage swearing that all cops are violent, abusive and make their wives' lives a living hell. I'm polite to her on the rare occasion I have to see or answer the phone but that's it. My wife and I have been married for 20 years now and no violence whatsoever.

My wife also has a cousin who dislikes me and the feeling is mutual. With her there's also the former cop thing going on and the fact that I'm much more conservative than she is. Oh well! I've always been nothing but polite to her as well.

On my side of the family, my oldest son always acts superior to me because at one time he made a lot more money than I ever did and I find his attitude disrespectful and unpleasant. I guess one out of five isn't bad. I don't seek conversations with him - he lives 650 miles away. It's too bad because we really like his wife and their two children. Fortunately my wife is in good contact with his.
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Old 04-21-2017, 01:46 PM
 
1,569 posts, read 1,001,892 times
Reputation: 3666
No.
I feel that if you're being friends with someone you don't like to not cause any conflict with someone else...then you get what you deserve.This is something you choose to put up with because you don't want any sort of conflict...oh-well..enjoy the rest of your life.
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Old 04-21-2017, 02:34 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 20,839,209 times
Reputation: 32530
I developed a platonic friendship with a woman in graduate school. (I am now 73, so that was a long time ago). First she married, then I married. When I married, her husband was the best man. In other words, I got along well with both of them. After about 10 years, I divorced, but the other couple is still married after almost 50 years. Then about 15 years ago, the husband was extremely rude to me on three different occasions within a period of a couple of months - not minor rudeness, but beyond the pale type rudeness. I don't think his wife is even aware of it.


So I had a choice to make. I could put up with him for the sake of maintaining my long-standing, deep friendship with his wife, or I could just distance myself from the both of them. I elected to put up with the husband for the sake of my friendship with the wife. I felt very uncomfortable in his presence, but his rudeness did not continue and after three or four years I more or less relaxed in his presence.


The way things actually turned out, I made the right choice. Sometimes there are sacrifices to be made for the sake of a greater goal. Every case has to be evaluated on its own merits.
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