My mom refuses to let me date who I want. (boyfriend, person)
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The basic gist of my past is that I'm a 25 year old Native American girl who has a crush on a white guy, but my controlling mom only wants me to date other Natives. It's been a struggle for me since I still live with her, but I finally told her about my crush last night.
Last night, my mom told me that she was going to start setting me up with dates for Holiday festivities. I then told my mom that there was a white guy that I was interested in, but she shot down that idea quickly. She didn't get mad, but she reminded me that she only wants me dating "within our race".
I decided to call her out on that since it was a contradiction. She's tried to set me up with Natives before, but she's also tried to set me up with non-Natives who are wealthy and financially well off. I called her out on it and then said "If it's a Native you want, it's a Native you're gonna get." I honestly don't know why I said that, though. I didn't plan on it, it was just sort of a heat of the moment thing I said to sound badass, I guess. Now I don't know how my mom's going to interpret it. She then said "You need to stop acting like this." and I simply stared her in the eyes, said "No." and then walked off to my room.
Me and my mom haven't talked since then and now I'm worried about the fallout of the fight. I think this was a step in the right direction in terms of standing up for myself and refusing to let her control me any longer, but I'm also worried about tearing the family apart. My older brother and mom are estranged because she tried to cheat him out of money that he earned. I don't want to tear my family apart even more and now I'm not sure where to go. Do I keep standing up to my mom and fight for my ability to date whoever I want, or do I just accept my mom's stubbornness and move on for the sake of the family?
The basic gist of my past is that I'm a 25 year old Native American girl who has a crush on a white guy, but my controlling mom only wants me to date other Natives. It's been a struggle for me since I still live with her, but I finally told her about my crush last night.
Last night, my mom told me that she was going to start setting me up with dates for Holiday festivities. I then told my mom that there was a white guy that I was interested in, but she shot down that idea quickly. She didn't get mad, but she reminded me that she only wants me dating "within our race".
I decided to call her out on that since it was a contradiction. She's tried to set me up with Natives before, but she's also tried to set me up with non-Natives who are wealthy and financially well off. I called her out on it and then said "If it's a Native you want, it's a Native you're gonna get." I honestly don't know why I said that, though. I didn't plan on it, it was just sort of a heat of the moment thing I said to sound badass, I guess. Now I don't know how my mom's going to interpret it. She then said "You need to stop acting like this." and I simply stared her in the eyes, said "No." and then walked off to my room.
Me and my mom haven't talked since then and now I'm worried about the fallout of the fight. I think this was a step in the right direction in terms of standing up for myself and refusing to let her control me any longer, but I'm also worried about tearing the family apart. My older brother and mom are estranged because she tried to cheat him out of money that he earned. I don't want to tear my family apart even more and now I'm not sure where to go. Do I keep standing up to my mom and fight for my ability to date whoever I want, or do I just accept my mom's stubbornness and move on for the sake of the family?
I wouldn’t let my family influence my decision about who to date. However, since you’re worried about tearing the family apart and you want to keep the peace, if there are enough eligible Native American men out there who you find attractive and feel that you could potentially be happy with, why date a white guy?
Are you working and self sufficient? Do you pay rent to your parents or mom for living there? These things have to do with whether or not you feel "independent" enough to object to your mom's controlling ways.
If you have your own job and pay your folks rent, then your mom can state her wishes but they're only that, and you can ignore them if you want. I understand about Native Americans' feelings about family and closeness, and you probably have that in the back of your mind.
If, on the other hand, you are not working and/or don't pay your folks to stay there with them, then you might consider that they have a say in your life to a certain degree. To be truly independent is to be living on your own, with your own job and your own place to live, and to have the courage to be your own person.
I might add, when I first saw your post, I thought you might be about 14 and just a teenager. I was quite surprised to learn you are 25 and still under your mom's wing.
Last edited by ndcairngorm; 11-18-2017 at 12:38 PM..
Reason: add paragraph
I wouldn’t let my family influence my decision about who to date. However, since you’re worried about tearing the family apart and you want to keep the peace, if there are enough eligible Native American men out there who you find attractive and feel that you could potentially be happy with, why date a white guy?
Because I genuinely feel like there aren't that many Native men out there who I'd like. My past boyfriends were Native and literally all of them were the same. They cheated on me, used me, abused me emotionally, and it's the same with all of the Native guys who my mom tries to set me up with. They just want sex and money and I can't deal with it anymore. This white guy is a genuinely good guy who respects me and treats me kindly.
Date who you want and politely but firmly thank her for her opinion but its not necessary. Period. End of report.
The problem is that it's not necessarily about her "opinion". In her eyes, me dating another Native is an absolute must and she's even threatened to take away my car keys if I date a non-Native.
Because I genuinely feel like there aren't that many Native men out there who I'd like. My past boyfriends were Native and literally all of them were the same. They cheated on me, used me, abused me emotionally, and it's the same with all of the Native guys who my mom tries to set me up with. They just want sex and money and I can't deal with it anymore. This white guy is a genuinely good guy who respects me and treats me kindly.
I guess people are people whatever the race or culture but I'm a little surprised because someone told me once the reason he greatly respects Native culture is that the men tend to have a lot more regard and respect for women and they're not macho sexist abusers-- of course people are people and can always be a brew bad apples anywhere but I'm surprised your experience w Natives is so contrary to what I heard.
Because I genuinely feel like there aren't that many Native men out there who I'd like. My past boyfriends were Native and literally all of them were the same. They cheated on me, used me, abused me emotionally, and it's the same with all of the Native guys who my mom tries to set me up with. They just want sex and money and I can't deal with it anymore. This white guy is a genuinely good guy who respects me and treats me kindly.
Ok, well date who you want then. I definitely would.
There's 2 aspects (and maybe a third) of this and they need to be addressed separately.
The first is simple, if you're under your parents roof, getting assistance from them, then follow their rules. It's the bottom floor ground rule that every child should follow to show respect for the time, money and effort that's devoted as a parent.
Of course, if you're doing for yourself without their support you ought to consider their input but it's ultimately your choice.
The second is more complicated, how do you follow the path of your own life when your elders disagree. It's a bridge that every child must cross on their path to adulthood (some don't and never become adults IMHO). This is made even more complex by the NA aspect based on what I know of it (born and raised on the Wind river rez in Wyoming, Shoshone and Arapaho, worked in Kayenta, AZ serving both Navajo and Hopi). That family bond is so different from what I know as a white guy that I simply can't fully wrap my mind around it. I have no vanishing heritage that's valued by my elders, my heritage is simply "I'm 3rd gen American". As such, it's a dance I doubt few will be able to help you maneuver. Just know that you Must navigate this (and other) issues if you want to be happy.
The best advice I can offer is to ask your mom if she would rather you be abused and unhappy but with a NA man, or happy and with someone else. I know that domestic violence is very high among some of the tribes (Navajo and Arapaho for certain), along with alcohol and drug abuse ~ if that's true with yours then use it to your advantage and ask your mom if that's what she wants for you. I doubt she does, but there's Something she thinks is of value that she doesn't want lost and you Should find out about that. Sorry for the use of this crude slang, but my thought is that she doesn't want you to be an Apple (for those that don't know, red on the outside and white on the inside ~ NOT kind thing to say). She's sad that the world is changing and wants to hold onto as much of the familiar as possible. It only has a little to do with you, but it's most outside things. You can somewhat ease her fears if the guy you're interested in turns out to be serious about you. I dated a Shoshone girl, went to Rendezvous, heck I beaded and made my own moccasins. A guy who embraces and supports your heritage is very probable to find, which would mean kids who don't miss out on the good aspects but blended with (maybe?) a more stable home life and (again maybe) better focus on education so They can have an even better like than you.
I say maybe because I'm sure not every tribe is the same... actually, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Shoshone didn't have the avoidance of education as a common theme like the Navajo demonstrated.
Anyway, not a fun situation to be in, Especially through this holiday season when Everything is already stressful enough. Hopefully you can navigate this maze without stepping on too many toes.
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