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Been a long time since posting, but I could really use some sage advice.
Our sister passed away last week, she has been struggling with opiate addiction and untreated mental illness for years. Her boys were taken by child protective and a court order years ago, 2003 I think. During that time, myself nor my brother have had contact with her sons. My parents are deceased as of 2014. The sons are 18 and 17.
I reached out to their stepmom and sister, who have been open to a possible reconnection and have been open with telling me what the boys have been doing for the past 13 years. The oldest son is active duty US Army and I assisted in getting in home on emergency leave by submitting a Red Cross emergency message. I desperately want to reunite with her sons and catch up and try to form a relationship with them. We were unable to do so the last 13 years due to the bitterness between my sister and her ex, and my sister's erratic behavior. I have thought of them often and it hurt like hell to think about them being estranged forever.
As mentioned, the stepmom and sister have been helpful, but I feel now that I'm getting somewhat mixed messages. Both have stated that the boys are eager to meet their uncles, but when I suggest a day or ask for suggestions, they kind of back off and state they want to feel the boys out and let them have time. So, I'm confused. If the kids are eager to meet, why are they being held back. My wife has suggested that this is a delicate time for their family and the stepmom despite wanting to be helpful, is probably emotional about the thought of her stepsons reuniting with their biological mom's brothers.
I have no intent on trying to influence their thoughts regarding my sister and her ex, it was an ugly time and I wish to move forward. I basically want to be a positive role model/relationship in their lives and help when needed. I will say that the thought of them being so close yet possibly continued estranged is hurtful.
I agree with your wife. This is a delicate time for them. Even though they were taken from her, she will always be their mother. Let them get through the grieving process and then connect with you on their timeline, not yours. They're going through a lot right now and if you push, it's just adding more to their plate. By suggested a day, you are in a sense rushing things and trying to set a timeline of sorts though you may not interpret it that way.
Put them before what you want to do. You sound like you genuinely care and I'm sure their stepmother appreciates it. They just might need a little bit more time to process everything going on. They're only 17 and 18. While the 18 year old is a legal adult, he's still young.
Their mother only passed away last week, they need time.
When my sisters and brothers died, their grown children always took comfort in talking to me, their aunt. It helped them through the grieving process. I'm sure your nephews will feel the same way. Give them a bit of time, make sure they know how to get hold of you.
Send them each a card with your contact information and maybe write a personal story to each one of something that you remember from when they were young and you had contact with them. Then apologize for not keeping in contact with them for so long, and explain that you knew the relationship between their parents was difficult and you did not want to add to it. And offer your sympathy for the loss of their mother. Say you know that it was a difficult relationship and that she had issues that added to the difficulties, but you are still sorry for the loss because she was still their mother.
Then offer to do something with them they may like....go to a ball game on a certain date, offer to buy tickets if they want to go with you, etc.
Stay in contact with a card on birthdays, holidays, invite them to dinner for your birthday at a location near them, etc. offer dinner, event tickets, doing something with you instead of 'physical gifts' for special days.
Offer often, but leave the ball in their park for when they are ready.
Forgot to say above, meet with the step mom if she will meet with you alone or with the daughter. Ask if you could meet with her so she can tell you about the boys, their interests, etc. As you form a relationship with her, she will be less fearful of encouraging a relationship with the boys.
My guess is that your rushing to establish a relationship so soon might be perceived as trying to take advantage of their mother's death to push yourselves into their lives. They might feel that responding might be disloyal to her and her wishes.
Send them each a card with your contact information and maybe write a personal story to each one of something that you remember from when they were young and you had contact with them. Then apologize for not keeping in contact with them for so long, and explain that you knew the relationship between their parents was difficult and you did not want to add to it. And offer your sympathy for the loss of their mother. Say you know that it was a difficult relationship and that she had issues that added to the difficulties, but you are still sorry for the loss because she was still their mother.
Then offer to do something with them they may like....go to a ball game on a certain date, offer to buy tickets if they want to go with you, etc.
Stay in contact with a card on birthdays, holidays, invite them to dinner for your birthday at a location near them, etc. offer dinner, event tickets, doing something with you instead of 'physical gifts' for special days.
Offer often, but leave the ball in their park for when they are ready.
It's too soon for all this. Your idea(and I'm sure you meant well) makes the OP coming as across as it's all about him, how he remembers them when they were young, etc.
This isn't about him, these boys just lost their mother, regardless of her issues it was their mom.
Yes, it was his sister, but they had been estranged, the loss impacts the boys the most.
You send a card, say you're sorry.
Later on the OP can reach out again.
Way too soon at this point. And you don't "offer often", that's the best way to have them back off.
OP, that's the reason you're now getting mixed messages. Give them some space.
Why didn't you stay in contact with them before she died?
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OP, by all means reach out to the boys, but don't be surprised if they're not interested in reciprocating at this point. You're a stranger to them and they probably don't have a lot of good feelings associated with your side of the family. In addition, they have their own lives and kids at that age are pretty self-centered even under the best of circumstances. The idea of spending time hanging out with an adult stranger will not be high on their list of priorities. Even though their relatives say they want to meet you, that may be a lie to spare your feelings. The boys might have shrugged and said, "I guess so" when asked to meet you but the relatives spun that into some sort of interest.
Keep the channels of communication open, but be prepared to wait years for them to care about meeting up with you.
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