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I have not read all the posts, but I think that family patterns and dynamics are established very early, and I doubt if your parents realize they do it.
As you know, if you've watched Oprah or Dr Phil, we can't change other people. We can only change ourselves, and no one can make you feel bad about yourself but you.
Why don't you get a few sessions with a councilor who can give you some tools?
I do wonder if it's just because i'm a girl. also i'm the youngest. so maybe when i was born my parents were just exhausted from raising 2 kids already so by the time i came around they just cared a lot less lol.
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Originally Posted by JanND
My Mom was the same way with my brothers. My sister and I noticed it as young children, when we would have to do the chores that our brothers would neglect....it always seemed unfair and as adults we were able to verbalize it.
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I'll be there would be some research online that might help you figure this out. Til then know that you are wonderful, caring, important and a unique human being. I wish you the best.
It is funny how families can be so different.
In Hubby's family, his little sister (the baby, the princess, the golden child) was the one that never had to do any chores and the older brothers had to do everything. She was the one that usually "got everything that she wanted" while the boys had to work hard for everything and buy things themselves. Luckily, it wasn't TOO dysfunctional so (I believe) that everyone grew up to be pretty normal adults. But, it is just interesting.
OP, I agree that sound like a wonderful woman. Be strong.
Spending the day with my family yesterday for Father's day is really prompting me to post this... i will try to keep it short.
I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family with two older brothers. For whatever reason my brothers are "praised" a lot more than I am.. for all sorts of things. I think this has happened my whole life but now as an adult at 29 i think i'm starting to realize and notice it a lot more. For example - i could say that i did something over the weekend and i will get a mediocre response. my brothers could say they did the same exact thing and my parents will react as if it's the greatest thing ever. To add to this, my parents like my brother's significant others a lot more than they like my boyfriend. so same thing - i could say my boyfriend and i did something and it will be "meh", and if my brother and his wife say they did the same thing it's the greatest thing in the history of the world lol.
There were a bunch of different things yesterday that happened while we were all together that left me feeling SO crappy and upset. I don't want to go into it because it will be too long of a post - but one thing was about the card we got my dad. *I* picked out the card. my dad loved the card and thought it was funny. he says to my brother - where did you get the card from? he just assumed that my brother got it... i'm like no actually i got the card (this is just an example). Another thing was that i brought up an interesting fact as a topic of conversation that my dad was shocked by - a few hours go by and he brings it back up and thought that my brother was the one who stated the fact. so again i said "no that was me who mentioned that".
This seems to happen time and time again. I'll leave a family function feeling so unimportant and invisible and declare that i'm done with them to the point that i am in tears... but then a few days will go by and i get over it and the cycle repeats.
i don't know how to deal with this anymore. I always tell myself to be the bigger person and to just let it go but then i stop and think about how it's not fair to be treated like that. and now as an adult, i can make connections about how this has affected my personality all throughout my life.
has anyone ever dealt with this? i'm obviously not going to cut off my family and never speak to them again but i need a coping mechanism that's better than leave in tears every single time.
Believe it or not, parents do not like their kids equally. They say they do, they even believe they do, but they don't.
So you might have to just face the fact that your parents love all of you, but love one or both of your brothers just a little more.
So as an adult, if you don't like the way you are treated, you have to limit contact a bit. You don't have to divorce your family, but you have to realize the dynamic, realize that it won't change, and you will have to be more self-sufficient.
It doesn't mean your brothers are better than you, it just means your parents like them a bit more. Maybe they just like males, or maybe you were an accident, or maybe they had you at a time in their lives when they could not supply sufficient affection. Could be a million things. But it doesn't matter because they will NEVER CHANGE, and you have to know that and accept that. It will always be this way and you cannot change it.
So if you can't change something, what do you do? You accept it and deal with it. Your parents still love you, but not as much as your brothers. It's just a fact, and it's no reflection on you.
I would limit contact to the larger events, and eliminate the day-to-day contact. And when attending the larger events, just be pleasant, make jokes, have a glass of wine, do your 6 hours, have a few laughs, then return to your life.
Becoming a competent independent adult means you don't suckle at your family's teet looking for love and respect. You get that from yourself based on achievements and accomplishments, and choose others to share your life with, who are worthy of you and what you have to offer.
Believe it or not, parents do not like their kids equally. They say they do, they even believe they do, but they don't.
So you might have to just face the fact that your parents love all of you, but love one or both of your brothers just a little more.
So as an adult, if you don't like the way you are treated, you have to limit contact a bit. You don't have to divorce your family, but you have to realize the dynamic, realize that it won't change, and you will have to be more self-sufficient.
It doesn't mean your brothers are better than you, it just means your parents like them a bit more. Maybe they just like males, or maybe you were an accident, or maybe they had you at a time in their lives when they could not supply sufficient affection. Could be a million things. But it doesn't matter because they will NEVER CHANGE, and you have to know that and accept that. It will always be this way and you cannot change it.
So if you can't change something, what do you do? You accept it and deal with it. Your parents still love you, but not as much as your brothers. It's just a fact, and it's no reflection on you.
I would limit contact to the larger events, and eliminate the day-to-day contact. And when attending the larger events, just be pleasant, make jokes, have a glass of wine, do your 6 hours, have a few laughs, then return to your life.
Becoming a competent independent adult means you don't suckle at your family's teet looking for love and respect. You get that from yourself based on achievements and accomplishments, and choose others to share your life with, who are worthy of you and what you have to offer.
That's not exactly an easy thing to swallow. that's actually pretty awful.
Yeah probably a mix of both. I definitely have to cut back on the time i spend with them, i just can't do it, like i feel like its just not good for my overall health. And trying to just brush it off is NOT working. It's hard when society tells you "family is everything".
I totally get that. After my mom passed, I had to cut ties with a sister and the whole family turned on me (except one other sister and my Godmother). I even had an aunt write me a letter telling me how horrible of a daughter I was and she wanted to come over and slap me up and how my sister had never done anything to me to deserve this (how would she know? We only saw her once a year at the most). It is very sad, and I hear you on the society thing.
Ask yourself what exactly it is that you are trying to get from them. Then ask yourself given what you've observed, which of them if any, are capable of giving that to you. Are you being reasonable in your wants or are you operating on "they should?"
Once you've done that you can focus your energy where it is reasonable to focus it. You might also ask yourself what messages and experiences from the past have influenced these expectations you have of needing recognition from people who aren't able or willing to give it.
You need to be willing to give up futile efforts so ask yourself also what are you getting out of beating your head against the wall? (Not being mean here. We almost all drive ourselves crazy with at least one thing we try to make others do that they won't do.)
There is a benefit to you in doing this. We are predictable animals in our behaviors. Nobody repeats a behavior unless it is rewarding in some way. Figure out what that is for you. I don't know what that is. Does feeling sorry for yourself fulfill some need? Do you carry extra, old anger that needs to be released and these people help with that? Do you "treat" yourself when others act unkindly to you?
Finally get some literature on detachment and practice it. Learn how to exercise "divine indifference" in these occasions and you will find yourself approaching them with amusement rather than dismay. Practice, practice, practice. It's possible but not without effort on your part.
PS. Be sure to get those needs met. Just do it someplace else.
I feel your pain. I grew up in the 50s. My father considered women to be rather useless and stupid. My mother agreed with him, and continued to do so until the day she died. My older brother got all the attention and the praise. Girls weren't supposed to succeed at anything other than becoming the perfect wife and mother. Our goals in life (according to the adults) were to marry and stand behind our man. Any achievement we attained outside of that Goal was ignored.
I've learn in my 60+ years not to expect anything from anybody -- not praise, not recognition, not support from my family. I am never disappointed.
Parents are just people so don't expect them to be perfect. Unless we like all of our siblings and relatives the same, how can we expect parents to like all their children the same? I'd be more amazed if they did like all their kids equally. Part of it may have to do with the size of a family, if there's a lot of kids it's easier to figure out they're not all loved the same. Some of them may not even be liked. It really screws up the kids, though, until they separate themselves from their parent's perceived opinions.
If it were me, I'd not tell these people anything, trying to keep secret would flip the whole thing upside down, IMHO. Since most likely they aren't going to ask, it should be easy to just keep them totally unaware of what's going on in your life and it would then be a 'win' to stay secret. Of course, if they eventually get around to asking what you're doing (and actually paying attention) then that would perhaps be a sort of 'win', too, I suppose. But, make them work to find out what you're up to, it may make them value the information if it's not just given to them.
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