Too Many Emergencies - Thinking of Disengaging From College Friend (talks, person)
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I think you know that would be immature, vindictive and just plain dumb.
Here's the way it would go (and we're talking about a different person entirely now). I have a friend from Cornell, also absolutely brilliant. We have been friends since the summer of 1978
Over the years we have talked politics and religion frequently, especially during some periods of unemployment. Meaning 3-5 times a week, sometimes more. During this period, he often asked advice on all kinds of personal matters:
Dating (he is a 59 year old straight bachelor) and I am almost 61, happily married for almost 27 years;
Medical issues, both for himself and his mother;
Landlord-tenant problems for his mother and sister;
Employment issues and advice;
Traffic ticket issues (he has a heavy foot on the gas and talks a lot of the cell); and
Issues with critters in his apartment.
In short, me, and I presume some of his other friends, are a mini-CD.
Some of those issues range from the sublime (viral meningitis) to ridiculous (aches and pains). He divides his time between Washington DC where he works (he has a high-pressure speech-writing job) and his mother's apartment in Yonkers on alternating weekends and sometimes more often. Often the calls will come on a "can't wait" basis such as my opinion on whether a pending storm will make travel difficult. The calls from time to time have become quite burdensome.
Occasionally, however, I will initiate a call to him. I called last Saturday night around 8:00 p.m. so he wasn't sleeping. He answered, without hello "working 24/7 almost. Getting ridiculous. I tried to ask him a short question and he repeated about his work schedule and said "goodbye."
When (not if) he resumes excessive "emergency" contacts my response, when he calls would be "how can I help you" and then to state I'm otherwise engaged. I almost always can but can make time at my discretion. I'm often overwhelmed by the volume of calls. On the other hand, it's hard to find someone other than on CD to discuss religion and politics with.
It sounds like both of you have gifts to bring to the conversational table, but apparently, both of you feel the need to keep each other at arm's length as well.
Just let some of those compulsive calls flow away from you...like you never even saw them.
I have a friend like this, but I am in my 30s so I have not had as long to get annoyed by it. I can only imagine what kind pf patience and tolerance you must have extended up until this point.
Some people thrive on drama. He's a bachelor-- wonder why. This is emotional vampire territory. He's sucking you dry.
Personally I am in the process of disengagement with a similar person. We no longer discuss her drama unless its truly life or death (and that does happen.) Her man or money woes, terrible neighbor, crappy car, person who looked at her funny at work, none of those are on the agenda anymore. Perhaps you can make some boundaries which will help you maintain sanity.
Here's the way it would go (and we're talking about a different person entirely now). I have a friend from Cornell, also absolutely brilliant. We have been friends since the summer of 1978
Over the years we have talked politics and religion frequently, especially during some periods of unemployment. Meaning 3-5 times a week, sometimes more. During this period, he often asked advice on all kinds of personal matters:
Dating (he is a 59 year old straight bachelor) and I am almost 61, happily married for almost 27 years;
Medical issues, both for himself and his mother;
Landlord-tenant problems for his mother and sister;
Employment issues and advice;
Traffic ticket issues (he has a heavy foot on the gas and talks a lot of the cell); and
Issues with critters in his apartment.
In short, me, and I presume some of his other friends, are a mini-CD.
Some of those issues range from the sublime (viral meningitis) to ridiculous (aches and pains). He divides his time between Washington DC where he works (he has a high-pressure speech-writing job) and his mother's apartment in Yonkers on alternating weekends and sometimes more often. Often the calls will come on a "can't wait" basis such as my opinion on whether a pending storm will make travel difficult. The calls from time to time have become quite burdensome.
Occasionally, however, I will initiate a call to him. I called last Saturday night around 8:00 p.m. so he wasn't sleeping. He answered, without hello "working 24/7 almost. Getting ridiculous. I tried to ask him a short question and he repeated about his work schedule and said "goodbye."
When (not if) he resumes excessive "emergency" contacts my response, when he calls would be "how can I help you" and then to state I'm otherwise engaged. I almost always can but can make time at my discretion. I'm often overwhelmed by the volume of calls. On the other hand, it's hard to find someone other than on CD to discuss religion and politics with.
What do people think?
One-way friendship.
Mind you, friendships are not transactional in nature, as in keeping score of who does what favor for whom. But if this guy just uses you and never gives you anything in return, then...c'mon.
The other thing? People who constantly have a litany of various crises are people who refuse to apply common sense to their lives and IT'S NEVER THEIR FAULT. He loses jobs and IT'S NEVER HIS FAULT. He gets tickets and WELL, IT'S MY FAULT BUT IT'S REALLY BAD LUCK MORE THAN ANYTHING. And the list goes on and on.
So then you, the good-natured person that you are, keep getting sucked into his hell of bad planning a life management. Hey, the meningitis is a real-deal issue. But there are plenty others where he is likely the author of whatever misery he is sharing with you.
Mind you, friendships are not transactional in nature, as in keeping score of who does what favor for whom. But if this guy just uses you and never gives you anything in return, then...c'mon....So then you, the good-natured person that you are, keep getting sucked into his hell of bad planning a life management. Hey, the meningitis is a real-deal issue. But there are plenty others where he is likely the author of whatever misery he is sharing with you.
[/quote]You're probably right. What I get out of it is the ability to discuss taboo subjects. I am a political junkie but my opinions might be controversial. And even the meningitis is probably from his allowing his resistance to run down by suboptimal hours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver
The other thing? People who constantly have a litany of various crises are people who refuse to apply common sense to their lives and IT'S NEVER THEIR FAULT. He loses jobs and IT'S NEVER HIS FAULT. He gets tickets and WELL, IT'S MY FAULT BUT IT'S REALLY BAD LUCK MORE THAN ANYTHING. And the list goes on and on.
You're so right on that one. The job losses may well not be his fault. Two were speechwriter positions in administrations that termed out. Another was for an agency that would be first on the chopping block for cutbacks. But the lack of common sense plays in. In at least one of those cases he should have been looking. I personally advised him, in the latter of the situations that his situation at the agency about to be cut was hopeless.
And the tickets are a mixed bag. On one hand he has frequent Washington-Yonkers trips through ticket-rich territory. On the other hand he really needs a newer car for a lot of reasons, one of them being Bluetooth friendly. Another was that he missed out on a barbecue with a leading candidate and lots of other people who could have boosted his career while he was busy saving money by owning a 1999-model car (I think, may be a year or two off either way).
OP there seems to be a pattern developing. Perhaps the best thing for you to do is become less available. The problems will most likely passively solve themselves.
He is NOT a true friend. You are his support system, but he offers nothing to you in return. Stop listening to him and the next time he calls you up with an "emergency", tell him that you are too busy to talk and just hang up on him.
After doing that few times, if he doesn't figure out why you have a changed attitude towards his phone calls, then just block his call on your phone.
It's your fault for enabling him to use you like this and for so many decades.
Is it possible he has Aspergers or Autism? It sounds like he lacks some social skills. Maybe he has become very dependent on you because he truly can't work through some of these situations because he truly lacks the ability to work through them on his own.
It would also explain being his age and still single. (I'm 50 and single. I meet a LOT of men who've never been married who seem to be to be Aspies)
There is nothing wrong with you deciding what boundaries you can live with, setting them, and enforcing them. I don't think you have to ditch him completely.
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