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I need some advice on whether or not to talk to my brother about his 22 year old son.
My nephew is socially awkward, very childish and manipulative. Lets call him Tim, who just turned 22.
Tim is lazy and will do what is minimally required to live at home
Tim has my brother wrapped around his little finger. For instance, on a family vacation, he got up after everyone else had eaten. He looked around for something to eat, then told his Dad he wanted some eggs. My brother jumped up to make the eggs and my husband said to my brother, wait a minute, Tim is 22 yo, he should make his own eggs .
Now, my sister in law (Tim’s mother) is ready for Tim to move out. Tim is really unusually vindictive and malicious to his mother. My brother does not see the contempt Tim has to his own mother, thinks it is just teenage rebellion. I think Tim hates his mother for suggesting he act like a grown up and he (Tim) acts very loving and childish to his father to get his love and attention and to ensure he is not asked to leave the home.
I am flummoxed that my brother will allow his son to be so blatantly disrespectful to his wife (Tim’s mother). I feel bad for my SIL, she loves her son, but she has no support from my brother in enforcing healthy boundaries .
My two brothers and I are going to visit my father in late spring of this year.
I am thinking of talking to my brother about the family dynamics I have witnessed .
Do you think it is any of my business to discuss with my brother?
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 4 days ago)
35,613 posts, read 17,940,183 times
Reputation: 50639
What are the odds your brother does NOT see that his son is acting immaturely, and didn't hear that your husband told your brother Tim should make his own eggs?
I'd say about nil. He knows it, and has chosen this path.
I think a lot of dynamics go on with adult sons and daughters, that aren't seen by outsiders. Your brother may be doing everything he can to keep his son's head above water.
(And BTW, I'd certainly make eggs for my 22 year old son on a family vacation, if breakfast had already been cleared, although my sons are not disrespectful. I'd say oh breakfast is cleared, are you hungry? Would you like eggs?)
I do not think it's any of your business to discuss with your brother unless he brings it up for the purpose of asking your opinion or advice. Jumping in will just stir the pot, and it's not your pot to stir.
A confrontation over a very obvious issue of long standing could actually tear your family apart. It is my opinion that you should just privately and quietly offer support to your sister in law and let her know the family is there if she needs help.
Mind your own business and stay away from Tim. I avoid drama and this sounds like drama X10. Tim’s parents dropped the ball and it’s not up to you to pick it up.
Do you think it is any of my business to discuss with my brother?
Yes. It's your family so it's your business. Of course they will probably be upset if you broach the topic of conversation but that's a risk I would be willing to take. I can't stand young adults who expect to be pampered and taken care of by others, who can't even cook their own food and think others should prepare their meals for them. When I was Tim's age I lived on my own and took care of my own needs.
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