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We are friends with several couples whose sons are good friends with each other. We just heard something we find very disturbing and am not sure how to react.
Two of the sons go to the same college. Last weekend the mother of one of these kids and her boyfriend went up to the college for parents weekend. They invited the other kid to join them for dinner at a nice restaurant but they made him pay for his own dinner. The parents of this kid are pretty mad at the mother over this. Her and her boyfriend are hardly poor but the kid, like most college students, is tight for money. The parents of this kid just paid for the group to go to a baseball game over the summer so they feel that it would have been nice for the mother or her boyfriend to reciprocate, otherwise, why even ask him. It was very awkward for the kid who had to scrape together the money to pay for his bill.
The problem comes in that we all will be getting together in a couple of weeks. How should we and the kids parents handle this when they see the mother and boyfriend? It will be a small gathering of just five couples so it would be hard to avoid them. Should the parents say something to them? I know it is going to be hard for us not to say something to them.
So you know, the mother and boyfriend are always off on a trip somewhere. So far this year they have been to Ireland, the islands, a cruise and two trips to Disney World with a third planned for November. When they are away, the parents always have the mothers son for dinner. We don’t want to be petty but honestly would it have been that hard to cough up $20 for the kids dinner? Would you say something? It’s going to be hard to be civil to these cheapskates or to listen to their plans for their upcoming trip without saying something. What would you do? Jay
It is not appropriate for you and rest of the group to bring it up to the offenders. It’s not your business— it’s between them and the parents directly involved.
Also, how they spend their money is irrelevant. The boyfriend may be the one paying for these trips.
I agree that they should have paid for the other kid’s meal.
It is not appropriate for you and rest of the group to bring it up to the offenders. It’s not your business— it’s between them and the parents directly involved.
Also, how they spend their money is irrelevant. The boyfriend may be the one paying for these trips.
I agree that they should have paid for the other kid’s meal.
+1 - I agree. It would be up to the parents in the future.
If someone invites you, and does not explain up front that they are not paying - that's pretty bad...
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How tactless. When we take college kids' friends out to dinner, we pay. That's how it's done.
I don't know what you can do about this, except now you know what to expect of this couple. And warn your kids not to accept invitations from them if they don't want to pay their own way.
If I were the parents of the boy who was blindsided by having to pay, I'd reimburse him if they haven't already.
And I think if I were the parents of the boy I might bring it up, privately, just to clear up any misunderstanding and to say the boy felt awkward because it was difficult to pay, and in light of the history last summer of the baseball game, he was thrown off guard.
The other members of the group should each do as they feel appropriate with respect to mentioning the incident to the cheapskates. Some will feel compelled to address it, others will likely just prefer to let it go.
Everyone will be able, however, to use the incident to determine the nature and character of their future interactions with the tacky cheapskates. The young man who was invited to dinner and then expected to pay for his own dinner might want to decline any future invitations of this nature from them, depending on how he, himself, interpreted the intentions of the cheapskates and how he felt it changed (or didn't change) the dynamic of his own relationship with them. It will be an opportunity for him to practice evaluating relationships in the adult world and a lesson in parsing what is important in a relationship. He will also remember how it made him feel and likely will affect how he behaves himself in some future similar interaction where he is the adult issuing an invitation to a friend of one of his offspring.
Just to be clear, I know we can’t do anything about what happened but DW and I are so appalled by it that we are going to have a hard time even talking to these people particularly because they are certain to be talking about their last trip and their upcoming trip. If this was not such a small gathering we could avoid them but there will be only ten people there. It is going to be hard enough to be in their company. I am not sure what the kids parents will do. They told us the story because they are struggling too.
I also should say the mother and her boyfriend only stay at top hotels when they travel. On their cruise they had an exterior room with a balcony. I won’t say they brag about this but they do let us know what nice trips they take. At the dinner they had a pricey bottle of wine.
Another thing the kid said they did at the dinner was avoid having to pay for parking. They had parked in a garage that gives the first two hours free. Halfway through dinner, they started talking about how their two hours were almost up so the boyfriend left to take the car out of the garage and then return to it. He even parked in the exact same space. Parking is not that expensive. No way would I get up in the middle of a meal to move my car to save a couple bucks. Unbelievable. Jay
Why would you want to get in the middle of this? It's between the two other couples. Bringing it up when you're together as part of five couples will be ganging up and is unlikely to end well. Do you think that's wise? I don't. If the parents of the kid want to address it with the mother and her boyfriend, this is not the venue.
Yes, it was crappy to make the kid pay for his own meal. He'll know not to go next time or be prepared for it.
Edited to add: Okay, these people sound dreadful. WHY are you friends, again?
It is crappy for parents to do what these parents did, but some people are that way. It happens. It's not something to bring up and talk about; it's a piece of information you learned about them that tells you more about who they are and what they do.
My opinion is it's important to be civil -- what they did is not personal or about you, so don't make it about you. Keep reminding yourself, "this is not about me." Stay out of any pile-ons that might happen. This isn't an issue you need to solve.
You don't have to be close to this couple or anything. But do practice good social behaviors, which means being pleasant, civil, and respectful as you would want to be treated. You never can go wrong with choosing a path of civility.
Why would you want to get in the middle of this? It's between the two other couples. Bringing it up when you're together as part of five couples will be ganging up and is unlikely to end well. Do you think that's wise? I don't. If the parents of the kid want to address it with the mother and her boyfriend, this is not the venue.
Yes, it was crappy to make the kid pay for his own meal. He'll know not to go next time or be prepared for it.
Edited to add: Okay, these people sound dreadful. WHY are you friends, again?
To answer your question, we really are friends with the mother and she never was this way before. We went out a number of times and vacationed with her and her husband who passed away a couple years ago. They were not cheap anytime we were with them. We know she is not hurting for money because her husband had a very large life insurance policy. Her house is paid off as are her kids college and she has a sizable 401k. She and the kids get social security and she has a part time job to keep herself busy, not because she needed to work. She confided all of this to my wife and the kids mother a number of times. We have no reason to doubt this since the mothers sister is also a friend and she confirmed that her sister had no financial concerns what so ever. Jay
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Jay
