Self-Absorption or Just Immaturity? (person, wedding, conversation, feel)
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I sometimes get confused as to what qualifies as passive aggressive behavior. I was flying back home and was planning to run an important errand right after I got back from the airport. My friend knew this and was expecting I’d be done in time to meet up for dinner. Unfortunately, my flight was delayed. I still wanted to get that errand taken care of. My friend, who hadn’t eaten all day, complained that she was starving. I told her to go ahead and make other plans for dinner. She complained that I could run my errand the following day. But I made it clear that I wanted to get this taken care of first and that she shouldn’t wait for me. I completed my errand and called her to see if she had eaten and if she was still up for getting a drink. She didn’t take my call. I left a voicemail, but never heard back. When I finally caught up with her and asked why she never returned my call, her response was “I was in the bathroom and didn’t see that you called.” Never mind that this is a person who regularly takes her phone with her into the bathroom. Even if she didn’t, she would’ve seen the missed call afterwards. And this is not the first time where she was conveniently in the bathroom around the time I called and then didn’t return the call. It’s a pattern. Punish the person with silence if you feel they’ve wronged you somehow. In this case, my apparent crime was not postponing my errand for another day. My friend acted more concerned over how I’d inconvenienced her even though it was me who lost time because of a late flight. Oh and my friend is over 50. Is framing everything in terms of yourself a sign of self-absorption or just a lack of maturity? If it’s the latter, can the person ever outgrow it? Or is it hopeless?
Is framing everything in terms of yourself a sign of self-absorption or just a lack of maturity?
Does she frame everything in terms of herself?
Yes, the way you have described the situation, her behavior is passive-aggressive. She could have just told you she was disappointed about the change in plans.
Personally I try to avoid labeling or pigeonholing people. It can lead you to assume things that are not accurate about a person's whole demeanor. It can also give you an excuse to criticize them before they've done anything. Your friend was unhappy that you did not postpone your errand, did not keep plans that had been arranged ahead of time. She sulked about the whole thing. That was immature. Does this mean she will always be immature in everything she does? Maybe, maybe not. Mature people forgive and forget minor stuff like this. OTOH, was your errand such a crisis that you couldn't do it the next morning and keep your previous plans for dinner with a friend? That was rather self-absorbed. Do you ever put the wishes of friends ahead of your own? I think you need to apologize to each other. Why overthink this?
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-29-2017 at 11:19 PM..
My friend acted more concerned over how I’d inconvenienced her even though it was me who lost time because of a late flight.
Your friend wasn't responsible for your late flight. You made a decision to run an errand rather than keep the dinner date.
Quote:
Oh and my friend is over 50. Is framing everything in terms of yourself a sign of self-absorption or just a lack of maturity? If it’s the latter, can the person ever outgrow it? Or is it hopeless?
Sometimes people do not want to talk when they are feeling miffed or slighted or inconvenienced or angry or aggravated - and put extreme hunger on top of it - and it is best not to talk during that period.
So I don't think your friend not responding to a call about whether she is available for drinks or not is a big deal at all. She had a right to feel aggravated by the situation.
Your friend wasn't responsible for your late flight. You made a decision to run an errand rather than keep the dinner date.
I don't know. Do you think you can outgrow it?
This exactly. You had a dinner date with your friend and you put the priority of your errand before her. Everything about your night was at your convenience.
This exactly. You had a dinner date with your friend and you put the priority of your errand before her. Everything about your night was at your convenience.
On this occasion, why wouldn’t it be at the OPs convenience? She was the one with the tight schedule and delayed flight. We don’t know what the errand was, or how postponing it would affect her schedule. The OP made it clear to her friend that she needed to do this errand. Her flight delay was beyond her control. The friend could have easily said, “Hey no problem, we’ll catch up another time.” That being said, if it was an errand that could have waited, she should have kept the date with her friend.
OP, it’s difficult to determine if your friend is being self-absorbed or immature without more information. Does she react this way often? Or is this a one-off? Do you cancel dates with her regularly? Or was this a rare occurrence? If it’s a pattern with either of you, then maybe it’s time to have a conversation with her about it. But don’t be confrontational, just tell her how you feel. A change of behavior, on either her part or maybe even yours, can only happen with a discussion. She may have her own feelings about your part in the situation, but you won’t know that until you talk to her.
Yes, it's passive aggressive. Most reasonable people, once they knew of the flight delay, would just say, "sorry to hear, get back safe and we can figure out something else for tomorrow." I mean, we're just talking about dinner, not a wedding.
Sometimes people do not want to talk when they are feeling miffed or slighted or inconvenienced or angry or aggravated - and put extreme hunger on top of it - and it is best not to talk during that time.
That's what I was thinking too, or at least that's what I try to do. It takes some self-control not to react/reply when one is mad & Hungry!
I have a few friends who like to do that also. I just totally ignore it, never mention it again, and move on. I dont feed it. Especially if its something as unimportant as this seems to be.
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