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So I have a close friend and we have been friends for over 7 years now. He's a decent person and all however he isn't in the best financial shape right now BUT he is working and does make money. I do all that I can to help him excel in life to the best of my abilities. I help him budget, save money, get out of any troubles that I can, and give him sound advice.
Right now one thing that I have taken on is adding him to my phone plan so that he can have a phone to keep in contact with his family, children, and job opportunities. The agreement was that he would pay me 50% of the cost of his phone line. which is only about $80. Initially he was paying his portion, but then he stopped citing that he no longer could and he would try to reimburse me 'whenever he has the money'.
Lately as I have been closely monitoring my finances and figuring out where my money goes I have started to realize that my generosity towards him is getting out of hand, and I think he is taking advantage of it.
The reason I say this is because the only time I really see him his when we go out on weekends to drink and hang out. He claims he never has any money which was fine with me initially as I would buy a drink or two for him out of kindness.
But I have noticed that this is the only time he hangs out with me. Even when he initiates contact offering to go out for food and drinks I'll agree, then once we are there he orders food and drinks and then after the bill comes just expects me to pay. So now before I agree to hang out with him I have to ask if he has money before we go which makes me feel bad but I kind of feel like I have to do it because hes taking advantage of the friendship we have.
I know I cant make anyone do anything they dont want to do with their money but, the conversations we have its like he has no problems spending money on women taking them out to lavish dinner dates, movies, etc. However you cant afford to pay me for a month of cell service? I digress, I feel as though at this point I need to distance myself from this person because it feels as though im in a one sided friendship.
I dont know how I should go about confronting him about this issue, or if I should simply sever ties, or just leave it alone and chalk it to to my over reactive thoughts.
Right now one thing that I have taken on is adding him to my phone plan so that he can have a phone to keep in contact with his family, children, and job opportunities. The agreement was that he would pay me 50% of the cost of his phone line. which is only about $80. Initially he was paying his portion, but then he stopped citing that he no longer could and he would try to reimburse me 'whenever he has the money'.
Then he is off the phone plan NOW.
Yes, now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merotti
the only time I really see him his when we go out on weekends to drink and hang out. He claims he never has any money which was fine with me initially as I would buy a drink or two for him out of kindness.
But I have noticed that this is the only time he hangs out with me. Even when he initiates contact offering to go out for food and drinks I'll agree, then once we are there he orders food and drinks and then after the bill comes just expects me to pay.
When ordering, make sure the servers know there are to be separate checks.
And do NOT pay his!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merotti
I feel as though at this point I need to distance myself from this person because it feels as though im in a one sided friendship.
Yes, indeed it is.
This is not how friends treat friends... he is quite the moocher!
When is the last time you actually spoke about these issues with him?
Then he is off the phone plan NOW.
This is not how friends treat friends... he is quite the moocher!
When is the last time you actually spoke about these issues with him?
The last time we spoke about this was 6 months ago where I expressed the same concerns. I haven't spoke with him in about 2 weeks because I have really been feeling indifferent and evaluating my friendship with him. I have been planning to bring it up again but not sure if I'm deciding to distance myself or just end the friendship altogether.
Sometimes you think you're helping a friend out, but you're enabling them instead. Quit paying for his phone. If he doesn't have a phone, he'll have a lot more trouble connecting with women and setting up dates where he spends all his money. Then he'll be able to afford his own phone.
Not everyone is going to have an equal amount of money in life. If you have more than your friend, that's because you're earning more than he is. It doesn't mean you need to give him things or take him out for dinner and drinks to even things out.
I don't know how to stop something like this once it's been going on for a while. Your best bet is to come up with some unexpected bills...tell him you'll have to stop paying for his phone after this month because you're having to pay for something unexpected. Then be too broke to take him out...say, "Sorry, pal, I can't really afford a night out right now, things are tight this month." Don't be surprised if the friendship goes away once the free money dries up. If he still wants to hang out when you're not giving him things, then he's a true friend. If he's gone like the wind, then you know you were being used.
I learned that I needed to write rules for myself. They started out really simple, like these:
1) Nobody is allowed to hit me. And if they do, I call the cops. No matter what.
2) I don't loan money to anyone. I will help them figure out their budgets, like I've figured out mine. But, I never give them money.
3) I don't allow anyone to stay in my apartment rent-free. I learned not to say it's okay for even one night. Just say your landlord doesn't allow it and you don't want to get kicked out.
Once you know what your rules are, you can then confidently tell them to people. But, you first have to know what they are. And amazingly, people understand rules. Even little kids understand rules.
If you just say, "Sorry, I never lend money to friends. But, I can help you with your budget if you like," and just keep repeating it, they will respect your rule and go try someone else.
Or, "Sorry, but I can't let people stay at my apartment. My landlord doesn't allow it." And if they whine, just say, "There are homeless shelters. Just call 211. Sorry, but I can't help you." Rinse. Repeat.
Users troll the universe. They were asking people before they landed on you. If you hadn't taken the bait, they would have kept trolling. It's not your job to take care of them. Be one of the ones who says no, and let them keep trolling for the next sucker.
Cut off the phone immediately.
Do not pay for anything else.
Do not give him any advice.
Do not help him again.
Cut contact with him.
He is currently a user not a friend and you are enabling him to continue to be a user.
It is unfortunate when you try to help and someone starts taking advantage of your generosity.
Who would pay $80 for a phone plan? Thats ridiculous, theres prepaid phone plans with Walmart for about half that much.
Problem isnt your friend, its you. Call the phone plan today and take his line off. Remove it. Today. If he asks why you did it, just tell him you needed to cut the plan down to save money.
Why is that so hard for you to do? Your friend is just doing what you are allowing him to do. Its you. Not him.
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