Stuck between a rock and a hard place (husband, guilty, brother)
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So sorry OP. It sucks to be in the position your cheating dad put you in.
Leave the macbook open, on, without a screen time out. Leave it where your mother can clearly see it. She has the right to know.
No way your father could blame you for whatever she see's on it, right? Completely his fault for cheating and leaving proof on his macbook before giving it to you.
No I did not snoop his phone. Yesterday he gave me his old MacBook Pro that he doesn't use anymore. I guess he didn't know it was still getting text messages on it so after I charged it back up (it had been dead for a few months) it started blowing up with text messages he had gotten in the past. Most of which were from the secretary. It made it very clear what they were doing. I guess you could call it snooping if you wanted to cause after I saw a few come up that were very suspicious I read them. It was obvious what has gone on and is still going on.
These messages were not meant for you and you continued reading after understanding what the messages were about. That is like opening his mail and commonly called snooping.
These messages were not meant for you and you continued reading after understanding what the messages were about. That is like opening his mail and commonly called snooping.
*sigh* Sure it was snooping. It was also human nature. So is the desire to share this information, tell Mom the truth, confront Dad, or something...but the consequences of those choices could really be a big problem.
That's why, no matter what else, the #1 priority (IMO) needs to be extraction, getting out of the situation and away from the stressful family dynamics, independent. After that...well. What OP does, or doesn't do, what considerations other family members deserve...that's a different ballgame. Does the brother deserve an intact family business to inherit, free of threat of what could happen in a divorce situation? Does Dad deserve to have his secret kept, or shared? Does Mom deserve to know the truth, or to be granted the relative bliss of ignorance?
Oh, and...*chuckle*...OP, what would ya do, if you told your Ma, and she said, "Oh, honey...I know about this. See, your father and I...have an...arrangement..." Awkward!
Whatever. Just get out. Channel all of your energy into planning and executing your escape. You can't control other people or their life trajectories, but you can control your own.
This is one of the worst scenario, since you can't relate it to anyone in your family without feeling hurt and guilt, maybe even anger.
I agreed that it's not your position to interfere, leave yourself out of it and focus on your studies. You might want to save those evidence if needed. On another note, is it possible your mother might have her own suspicion too, abeit just lack of proof and keeping the peace?
Say nothing and look for another job if working there bothers you. My father had a mistress for over 20 years (his assistant), my mother knew about it and accepted it, in fact the entire family knew about it .
You don't know what's going on with your parents and your mother might already be aware - so again, keep quiet.
I don't think there needs to be blame laid at the OP's door on this. Who among us would not have continued to look at the accidentally found posts. But she does say that she had suspected this. So---
You need to decide how to take care of yourself in this. You are vulnerable. As you say, your dad has a nasty temper, so, as others have recommended, I think you need to find yourself another job. If your dad is financing your college ed, then you will have to be aware that he could angrily withdraw support. But first things first, you don't want to work for him any more, and I can certainly see why. If you continue to work for him, you are bound to say something that gives away your knowledge.
I think you should talk to your father, as hard as it seems to do. I suggest that you simply tell him in the privacy of his office that you found some shocking text messages on the computer he gave you. His initial reaction will probably be anger, but he should not blame you for snooping, and he would have to know what you saw. If you go this route, make sure to do it at the end of the day, and don't accuse him of being what he is. Simply tell him what you accidentally found. And of course, expect him to be angry, since he does anger easily.
It might be that your dad will ultimately decide to tell your mom, and to file for divorce or separation. But you will not have been the one to tell her. And you do not need to confide all the details from your discovery, although I think you would be free to tell her that you discovered the emails, after he talks to your mom. It might be that your parents decide to work things out. I simply don't know, and you don't either. But you cannot totally spare your mom. That cat is out of the bag.
If your dad wants you to keep his secret, then I think you need to know what your response is to that. Decide on that beforehand. As the bearer of very bad tidings, you could easily wound your mother, and alienate your dad. If you do not tell her, and she finds out later, which she probably will do, then she could well be angry at you for keeping the secret. I personally would try to get my dad to do the telling, which he should do as a decent person.
If you decide to have this conversation with your dad before finding another job, then be prepared to lose it. If your dad's first impulse in a bad situation is to become horribly angry, then anything might happen. If you feel that he might be physically abusive, then hold your phone in your hand and be able to dial 911. Or, perhaps leave the office door open if others are still in the office.
I really don't think there any great choices for you. I hope you do keep us posted. I am concerned about you.
You need to quickly start looking for another job, resign from this one.You need to tell your mom because she has a right to know since she IS married to this guy.Let her decide on what she wants to do.It seems like your father is holding all of you hostage ....like he has the upper hand in things.He sounds like a mean thoughtless jerk so why would you want to be under his thumb??It seems like ALL of you are...it's time to get from under it and live a stress free life.You will find another way to go back to school.Do the right thing.
I agree! If it was me I'd also say something to little miss home wrecker, but again that's just me!
You are right in your wonderings, It's very complex.
If it's taken it from son\daughter position toward their dad, is really difficult. I can imagine it from this side. You would wish that you didn't know about it at all.
At the beginning I was wanted to say that you were very wrong in taking his phone and read but when you described that was an accident and your dad gave you his MacBook Pro , we couldn't blame you!
Right now, don't do anything at all. First, You need to think carefully what to do.
Any urgent decision you could make now, it could be against you later include those who you are worried about them. If you speak, big problems could happen, if you don't not speak, you won't feel OK specially toward your mom and anger toward your dad. It's not just a financial issue. It's more than that as I imagine.
- Did you feel shocked of your dad when you found those messages or you didn't not rule out that your father could be one of those type of men?
- Are you close to your dad ?
-You didn't mention anything bout your mom and dad relationship, what it seems like ? Is it very good or they always fighting as example?
- According to what you know or see of your dad personality, is he the one whose very interested in his family and wife as a first priority in his life?
- The messages that you read between your dad and that women, does it mention any future plans for divorce with your mom and get married with that women?
- You said ( it started blowing up with text messages he had gotten in the past.). " in the past", does that women still works in the company?
- Do you know that secretary, which kind of people is she (personality)?
- It seems from your posts that you think that your dad and that secretary go far away, but you just read and see messages. So, deal with the issue according to this scope.
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