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Honestly, you sound like you're more worried about profit than family member.
Time to re-evaluate your own motives and intention.
Seriously. That isn't fair considering the sisters own children haven't been helping.
Owning a home which you are essentially donating to a relative does have limits. The sister is now having health difficulties which transfer into being unable to attend to a home. OP has gone above and beyond for years imo.
OP I totally see where you are coming from. Beyond the difficulties of the neglectful bio family to your SIL....It is your husband's reluctance to address this issue that is the main issue.
I would think it would be totally acceptable to speak to the son who is planning for your SIL to move in and ask about timelines. And, I also thin it would be acceptable to tell this son that you are planning on having this home ready to sell this spring and that the family needs to be assisting your SIL with downsizing her things and getting her moved out.....with a deadline.
The easiest thing to do is be into your own life, go play tennis, and you'll see that everyone else automatically starts handling the problem correctly. Its unconscious.
I think you have good intentions, but when push comes to shove, this is between your husband and his sister. Leave it be. You're not making anything off the house now, so no worries, there. My bet is that she won't be moving anytime soon, the daughter-in-law is stalling with the "improvements" b.s. If it were an emergency, things would move quickly. But right now, it's a sort of amorphous "hmm . . . this isn't a long-term strategy, what should we do?"
I get that you're annoyed with the children for their lack of effort. But getting annoyed is just going to cause your blood pressure to skyrocket, and is not going to solve anything. It is what it is.
When/if she moves, it's going to be the son who will have to sort out all her belongings. Not you.
Consider keeping the house as a rental instead of selling it after your sister moves.
I think you have good intentions, but when push comes to shove, this is between your husband and his sister. Leave it be. You're not making anything off the house now, so no worries, there. My bet is that she won't be moving anytime soon, the daughter-in-law is stalling with the "improvements" b.s. If it were an emergency, things would move quickly. But right now, it's a sort of amorphous "hmm . . . this isn't a long-term strategy, what should we do?"
I get that you're annoyed with the children for their lack of effort. But getting annoyed is just going to cause your blood pressure to skyrocket, and is not going to solve anything. It is what it is.
When/if she moves, it's going to be the son who will have to sort out all her belongings. Not you.
Consider keeping the house as a rental instead of selling it after your sister moves.
We have no idea if the DIL is stalling, but those sorts of improvements can take time. The contractor might not be available to do the work right away and it can also take time to pull the appropriate permits and get the inspectors out there to ensure the work is done properly. If the DIL needs to do an addition, that’s not something you can add on in a weekend. You would need to have permits and inspections, which take time.
I guess we'll just disagree about this. Sometimes you do your best to do the right thing and it comes back to bite you. Or sometimes it would be nice to have a little recognition from family that you've made an effort to help out a mutual relative.
We approach these things through the lenses of our own experiences. I have a brother who I have helped out repeatedly over the years and he has a very selective memory about what has happened. I signed over my interest in a house to him because he needed a place to live and I knew he couldn't buy me out. It's a modest house and my interest was probably in the range of $40,000. Here we are several years later and he likes to talk about how much he could sell the house for. I don't expect him to give me any money if he ever sells it, but it would be nice if acknowledged it. He's never even thanked me.
I understand the OP's frustration. Yes, she voluntarily helped her SIL, but it's understandable that she would like to know what's going to happen next with the situation. And it's also understandable that she's wondering why the woman's own children haven't helped out before now.
The OP knows why the children didn't help out! They didn't speak to their mother for 4 years. This isn't a happy family. We're not talking about the Waltons here. This is another dysfunctional family....like most seem to be. This also isn't her family. It's her husband's family so treading lightly is what one must do to keep a happy home life.
My SILs' walk on water and are princesses of the universe. Neither one has ever farted and if they did, a rose garden would be sure to magically appear with a unicorn as the gardener. So I get the who sister up on a pedestal thing. You just have to learn to accept it and keep your mouth shut unless you want a divorce. I used to be VERY vocal about it and we almost divorced over it! Such silliness, but it is what is.
I would think it would be totally acceptable to speak to the son who is planning for your SIL to move in and ask about timelines. And, I also thin it would be acceptable to tell this son that you are planning on having this home ready to sell this spring and that the family needs to be assisting your SIL with downsizing her things and getting her moved out.....with a deadline.
Good luck with that! None of her children have to do anything. The son who she is supposed to move in with didn't even say she was moving in with him. A sibling said it so who knows if it's even true. And downsizing an elderly person's belongings? Oy vey....good luck with that! Been there. Done that. And it was a TOTAL nightmare each time.
We have no idea if the DIL is stalling, but those sorts of improvements can take time. The contractor might not be available to do the work right away and it can also take time to pull the appropriate permits and get the inspectors out there to ensure the work is done properly. If the DIL needs to do an addition, that’s not something you can add on in a weekend. You would need to have permits and inspections, which take time.
I said I BET the SIL is stalling. None of us know anything other than what the OP has shared with us. However, with the implied multi-millions that the son presumably has, I'm also going to go out on a limb and figure that the house they live in is probably not one where they are finishing a basement storeroom for dear ol' Mom. Getting a house handicapped ready CAN be done in a few days -- did it for my dad.
The family dynamics are a mystery and it's one that we will probably never be privy to.
I said I BET the SIL is stalling. None of us know anything other than what the OP has shared with us. However, with the implied multi-millions that the son presumably has, I'm also going to go out on a limb and figure that the house they live in is probably not one where they are finishing a basement storeroom for dear ol' Mom. Getting a house handicapped ready CAN be done in a few days -- did it for my dad.
The family dynamics are a mystery and it's one that we will probably never be privy to.
I wouldn't just assume the OP is correct about the some having multi millions. My mother says we're millionaires. We earn a decent living, but we're far from millionaires. She tells people we're millionaires! No idea where she ever got the idea from. Because she tells people this, they incorrectly assume we're walking cash registers.
Getting a house handicap ready can be done in a few days depending on what needs to be done. Where I live, a ramp would take a few months because you need a permit. Permits are only issued once a month after the town meetings. Same thing if a bathroom needs remodeling to install a shower. Permits here are painfully slow.
I guess we'll just disagree about this. Sometimes you do your best to do the right thing and it comes back to bite you. Or sometimes it would be nice to have a little recognition from family that you've made an effort to help out a mutual relative.
We approach these things through the lenses of our own experiences. I have a brother who I have helped out repeatedly over the years and he has a very selective memory about what has happened. I signed over my interest in a house to him because he needed a place to live and I knew he couldn't buy me out. It's a modest house and my interest was probably in the range of $40,000. Here we are several years later and he likes to talk about how much he could sell the house for. I don't expect him to give me any money if he ever sells it, but it would be nice if acknowledged it. He's never even thanked me.
I understand the OP's frustration. Yes, she voluntarily helped her SIL, but it's understandable that she would like to know what's going to happen next with the situation. And it's also understandable that she's wondering why the woman's own children haven't helped out before now.
I am with you on this. Sometimes we step in because there is a need, and, although we don't expect anything in return it is disappointing when our generosity is taken for granted.
Although the OP stepped in to help the elderly sister-in-law when there was a need, circumstances have changed and the rest of the family needs to recognize that more needs to be done at this time. So often people in this situation (deteriorating, aging family member) are in denial, or they can't cope, so they do nothing. It can be frustrating for those who see the bigger picture and want to plan for the future.
Because the elderly family member needs a higher level of care, the OP is thinking in terms of next steps of selling the property. It isn't that the OP wants to sell the property, and therefore the elderly family member needs to find other accommodations. Anyone who has had a relative die of old age knows that there will be some sort of sudden event where more care is needed. Being prepared is the difference between ensuring dignity and comfort for the elderly family member, or placing that relative in all sorts of compromised situations while the family scrambles to figure out a plan.
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