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A misdemeanor charge at the age of 18 isn't the problem.
There's another social dynamic where somehow he's odd man out.
I didn't say it was the problem, just that his family distanced themselves using that as one of many reasons why they choose not to bother with him. Like I've said, he's the family's black sheep and they've gladly used him as the scapegoat, sh##post, etc.
The one social dynamic that applies to my husband but not the OP is my DH is Deaf in a hearing family that never learned to sign (typical dynamic unfortunately). But even if he was hearing, the family would still be very dysfunctional-- everyone has their places and roles and it's all designed to be chaotic, toxic and melodramatic.
ETA: in response to the OP, it does sound like the extended family did assigned a role to you and simply chose not to expand beyond that. It is hurtful, but as my husband learned, relationships are a 2 way street and there's only so much you can do when you hit a dead end street. Put your energies to better use elsewhere and on those who are interested on building a relationship with you.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 13 days ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
I didn't say it was the problem, just that his family distanced themselves using that as one of many reasons why they choose not to bother with him. Like I've said, he's the family's black sheep and they've gladly used him as the scapegoat, sh##post, etc.
The one social dynamic that applies to my husband but not the OP is my DH is Deaf in a hearing family that never learned to sign (typical dynamic unfortunately). But even if he was hearing, the family would still be very dysfunctional-- everyone has their places and roles and it's all designed to be chaotic, toxic and melodramatic.
That's why they don't associate with him. Right there, that's why. And that's incredibly sad.
Hearing impaired, and profoundly deaf people are pushed completely aside in our culture because communication is so difficult.
It's really sad that at least some members of his family haven't learned sign language. I have a friend who really struggles to hear human voice and she's got some great technology - you can get it on an iphone - that translates voice into type that she can read, and then she can type back quickly.
I was a bad kid...not a druggie or a thug....I was just messed up as a young person. Horrible grades, some petty crimes, a couple of nights in the county lockup at 18, and a whole lot of emotional issues. Barely got through high school and the aunts and uncles and cousins (all very "respectable") shook their head at me. I don't blame them. I was a walking disaster in my teens up till around 21-22.
My mom would talk though, about her messed up kid, looking for advice maybe, dad too somewhat. Little positive to report about me to them in those days.
However, now its 30-35 years later, and I improved. Two college degrees, high school teacher, family of my own......and yet everyone is still guarded. My wedding? No one from my extended family came. And I would invite them to ball games or outings......no go. Rain check, but they never cashed it in. So one day a few years back, I put it to the test. I rented a cabin at a state park with my family no more than one or two miles from where the cousins and the aunt lived. On New Years Eve! I would have stayed there anyway because I knew it as a kid. Took the family there. gave no warning, but then called them and said "hey we got a big spread and lots of room and a fire going, and i know it's last minute, why not drive down the street and say hi and happy new year." All said no, all were busy at home.
A mile or two down the road, and they couldn't make the trip even for a minute or two. We had fun in the cabin but it still smarted.
Seen everyone at funerals lately, same icyness, same cordial small talk. And that's all. I suggest dinner or a ballgame....nothing. Yet to my brother and the other cousins, much more friendliness and invites.
So...despite the changes, am I always to be the 15 year old loser in their eyes? Locking up the jewels and unsure if I'm still a weird kid?
You've left out an entire GAP of time....like, your whole LIFE.
A LOT more happened than "just" the stuff you mentioned from your pre 22 year old days. Or NOTHING more happened and you're leaving it out. Like you never SAW them, let alone socialized with them.
IE what was your MOTHER'S relationship with the family and did you get invited to stuff she did after you were 22.
And your brother?
We're NOT mind-readers.
He probably had an established relationship with them that didn't get aborted during teenage and young adult years.
That's why they don't associate with him. Right there, that's why. And that's incredibly sad.
Hearing impaired, and profoundly deaf people are pushed completely aside in our culture because communication is so difficult.
It's really sad that at least some members of his family haven't learned sign language. I have a friend who really struggles to hear human voice and she's got some great technology - you can get it on an iphone - that translates voice into type that she can read, and then she can type back quickly.
Does your husband have any devices like that?
My husband manages fine for most part. We already know those devices won't help with the family, that would require interest on their part for communication. While the deafness is used as a tool against him, it isn't the cause for this disassociation. He has a younger sister (hearing) who is just marginally in a better position than him because she's willing to brown nose and choose sides-- but otherwise, she's just as vilified. It's the family dynamic.
I don't leave my house on New Year's Eve! I stay home. I choose not to be on the roads because of the drunks.
You totally sprung this hey come to the cabin nonsense on them. You were pretty nervy to expect people to drop whatever they were doing to come visit you! So what if they were just watching tv at home? They may have had family or friends over. Even if they didn't, that's their choice. They're adults. I know I wouldn't get out of my pjs on NYE to go see someone I haven't seen in years on the spur of the moment!
My cousin dropped something on me a few days ago. He was stunned that I wasn't dropping what I was doing and driving 3 hours away to say goodbye to a family a house....a house I have ZERO connections to and don't care about. I was at work when he called me...yes I am just going to leave my job over seeing a house? Talk about ridiculous!
My husband is the Black Sheep of his family. He was a bit wayward in his youth, which has them calling him the "criminal" of the family (he has only racked up a misdemeanor in the 4th deg. when he was 18). He has tried to foster some rapport and show up over the years, but they could never muster up any interest. He was very hurt when we had our first child and they could barely bother to say congratulations-- the other siblings would be visited in the hospital and their children's arrival would be celebrated. He knew then things were never going to change. The family members have extended their disinterest to all our kids. Of course, the family is pretty dysfunctional, so you have that all that (ish) going on.
DH doesn't even try anymore. Now that its been years... his siblings apparently are curious as to what's going on with him. They still can't even bother getting in touch with him to find out. They just get their information from their mother and move on. I'm not even sure what's the point of them being curious.
This reminds me of when my oldest son was born.
My sister, who's 2 years younger than me, came to see us, along with her husband, and HIS family. (His mom and dad, a sister, and a brother. All the siblings were young adults.
So there I am, lying in my hospital bed, holding my baby, my husband sitting in a chair next to me, and my sister is refreshing aquaintances all around. So THEN her SIL says to her dad "Dad, you remember *****. She's the wild one." And her dad says "Oh yeah! THAT one!"
(on a scale of say...0 to 100, 0 being not wild at all, and 100 being VERY wild...I was like...maybe a 5? )
I pretty much just laugh about it now, but at the time, it was embarrassing to me, puzzling to me, and made me wonder what my sister said to her inlaws. LOL
Was rather last minute: booked it the day before. Was hardly planned out.
I admit I can be rather "fly by the seat of my pants." And I'm sure that's part of it all. But never in 30-some years?
I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants kid of person. I don't work on other people's schedules who just pop in the last minute either especially on holidays!
I was a train wreck as a teenager; waaaay worse than what you have described & despite getting a college degree as a teenage mom with a 9th-grade education; I had a self-destructive streak that just wouldn't quit until I was in my 30's.
Okay; I struggle even now but I stay in the closet. Deep in a closet. Like a hoarder's closet. But anyway ...
I can honestly state that I never hurt anyone, stole anything or damaged someone else's property during my decades as a runaway train. I exploited only myself & I was really good at it. I regret beyond belief how much my family worried about me. How much slack of mine that they had to pick up in my absence.
I had great parents & a large, close extended family & I missed out on so much, opting instead to hang with the best of the worst. And now, like you; I want & have worked hard to bring it all full-circle. I'm lucky: Everybody seems so happy to see me. Nobody has ever said, "WTF were you thinking?!"
My advice to you would be to have patience. To realize that it was you who earned their mistrust & it takes time to earn it again. Don't "test" them; that sounds like a dare. That sounds like you want them to take a gamble & you can't possibly deserve to feel disappointed if they opt to not bet on you.
Just ... show up. Let them see you in action with that wife & those kids, offer to pick up a tab or two ... Be consistent. If they want to say "WTF?", accept it & be honest with them. Accept that to some, they may consider your bridges burnt & that if they want to rebuild; it's on their terms. Just be the relative that you would want to have; non-confrontational, supportive, unassuming & easy-going. Be a rock.
Are your kids' teenagers yet? Understand that how you handle your own teens will be watched very closely, although those watching may not even be aware that they are doing so. Do not be quick to anger with them but also do not "go easy' with them either. Resist the urge to be the 'cool' parent & instead just ... parent.
Depending on your actions; your family will either think "Ha; that's Karma for ya!" Or. They will think: "Wow; those experiences back then must have helped make him into the awesome parent he is today!" You know; turn your shame into an asset because that can truly happen. It's not what you did; it's what you are doing with it now that counts.
I suspect it was more that you're the kind of person that plots an elaborate "test" for your family that keeps them at a distance than any of your misspent youth. It's weird and manipulative to do something like that with so much planning, and the idea of one of my own family members doing something like that totally creeps me out.
My favorite relative did FAR WORSE than you did during his turbulent youth - drugs, violence, arrests, you name it. He is now a successful family man, a beloved member of the extended family and the de facto head of the family. He's a straightforward kind of guy who is always willing to give without expecting anything in return.
Functional family members don't "test" each other. It's very nice that you're a successful adult, but you've got the emotional intelligence of a kumquat. Seek therapy, because your outlook is tainting the way your kids look at the world, guaranteed.
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