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I suspect it was more that you're the kind of person that plots an elaborate "test" for your family that keeps them at a distance than any of your misspent youth. It's weird and manipulative to do something like that with so much planning, and the idea of one of my own family members doing something like that totally creeps me out.
My favorite relative did FAR WORSE than you did during his turbulent youth - drugs, violence, arrests, you name it. He is now a successful family man, a beloved member of the extended family and the de facto head of the family. He's a straightforward kind of guy who is always willing to give without expecting anything in return.
Functional family members don't "test" each other. It's very nice that you're a successful adult, but you've got the emotional intelligence of a kumquat. Seek therapy, because your outlook is tainting the way your kids look at the world, guaranteed.
Good, I'm not the only one that thinks this is a bit creepy. Try to see this from their side. It may not all be about the things you think. I have never had the kind of past that you have, but I am not close to most of my relatives. It happens. People can drift apart over time. If distant cousins called me like you did at the last minute I wouldn't show up either. I also know that if I dropped a last minute invite to them I wouldn't see them. Rather than fun, it would be an awkward social situation with people that haven't cared to stay in touch. I would bet none of them are thinking about this nearly as much as you are.
It sounds great, the way you pulled your life together. Unfortunately, though, you sabotaged yourself a bit by deliberately springing the invitation on them with no advance notice.
I think it's great that you want to give them another chance, though. I suggest that next year - or any time in between - you try it again. Except this time, give them at least two weeks' advance notice and include a little warm personal note. The note should mention that you know that you've drifted apart, or not stayed in close touch, or whatever inoffensive phrase you want to use - but that you'd really love to see them to catch up.
It's interesting - unless I'm missing something - you use the word "family" but you're dwelling on your parents. Have you made overtures to you brother? Or cousins? Or aunts/uncles?
Good, I'm not the only one that thinks this is a bit creepy. Try to see this from their side. It may not all be about the things you think. I have never had the kind of past that you have, but I am not close to most of my relatives. It happens. People can drift apart over time. If distant cousins called me like you did at the last minute I wouldn't show up either. I also know that if I dropped a last minute invite to them I wouldn't see them. Rather than fun, it would be an awkward social situation with people that haven't cared to stay in touch. I would bet none of them are thinking about this nearly as much as you are.
Anyway, move on.
No, I think it is creepy as well. My family is not that close either. The last time I had a holiday meal with my dad’s side, it was because my aunt accidentally called my dad before the holiday because my cousin is adjacent to him on the speed dial. I could not even make this up. However, it was not a last-minute thing. We were invited in advance. If they were to invite us somewhere on NYE, we’d probably say no because I don’t drive anywhere on NYE. Similarly, I have no interest whatsoever in sports, and I can’t see wanting to go catch a game. I might meet up for a meal or something casual, but I am not going to sit through 4 hours of baseball that I have to get to and pay for...
Yeah, the ol' party, get in trouble guy invited his family over for NYE???
What the family was likely thinking is 'wow, he is here locally' and 1. 'he will get us in trouble if we go to his wild party with the drugs, etc., at a cabin he will destroy' or 2. 'he is here locally and will break into our home for money when we go to the cabin he likely is NOT renting' or 3. 'he is inviting us to some isolated back woods area to bash our heads in and then take what he wants from our house to pay for his bad decisions.'
Yeah, I have a 'bad boy' brother and that is what I would think if he called me and asked me to immediately go to some isolated wooded area on a spur of the moment...when he lives far, far away!
Maybe plan in advance, meet at a normal area, on a non-party holiday, like help throw an anniversary party for an elder couple... or grandma's birthday...or Mother's Day dinner type of an event. Show that you are thinking of others not yourself.
I didn't do this to spring it on anyone. I would have stayed in that cabin with or without their existence. I just also know even if I "had plans" that I would have had no problem driving only a mile to say happy new year and maybe even stay for 5 or 10 minutes. And be glad and excited to see them.
I found out the next day they were all at their homes watching TV and had no plans, btw.
I guess I didn't have an expectation of them popping in, but I was still kinda hoping in the back of my mind.
I make it a point NOT to drive anywhere on New Years Eve. Ever. I wouldn't drive five minutes down the road to get together with my best friend that night, especially not with some last minute, random invitation. Sorry.
I'm usually in my PJs with a glass of wine by 6 pm or so that night, curled up in front of my TV. Add some cold weather, or rain, or a busy day beforehand, and it would take a crowbar to get me off that sofa.
I think it's odd of you to "put your family to the test" in this way. Look at whatever personality trait within yourself created this fun little test and you will probably find that same personality trait is one thing that's an issue between you and your family, and possibly other people as well.
What the family was likely thinking is 'wow, he is here locally' and 1. 'he will get us in trouble if we go to his wild party with the drugs, etc., at a cabin he will destroy' or 2. 'he is here locally and will break into our home for money when we go to the cabin he likely is NOT renting' or 3. 'he is inviting us to some isolated back woods area to bash our heads in and then take what he wants from our house to pay for his bad decisions.'
Yeah, I have a 'bad boy' brother and that is what I would think if he called me and asked me to immediately go to some isolated wooded area on a spur of the moment...when he lives far, far away!
Wow, I hadn't even considered any of this (probably speaks to my sheltered life, having never dealt with someone with the OP's history), but all excellent and sound considerations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lae60
Maybe plan in advance, meet at a normal area, on a non-party holiday, like help throw an anniversary party for an elder couple... or grandma's birthday...or Mother's Day dinner type of an event. Show that you are thinking of others not yourself.
Maybe they're looking at your past, maybe they just don't really know you after all this time... and they have their own social circle. Maybe they just aren't social butterflies.
I have no sketchy past and neither do my cousins, yet still, our family has drifted apart and a sudden invitation would be awkward. We have lost all the older generation that kept us together.... none of us cousins really go out of our way any more to stay in touch. Cordial small talk is all we have in common any more.
In other words, I know there have been other invitations also, but I'm not sure springing yourself on them at the last minute was a good test.
You just decribed my immediate AND extended family. I believe you are correct about the older generation that was the glue (no longer with us). I can think of only a couple cousins I would spring an invite on. NONE of my siblings. Somewhere along the way, we lost the feeling of belonging in a family. Yearly family "reunion" is a joke. No one bothers to marry anymore (no weddings to attend), so SOME of us see each other at funeral visitations. Notice I said visitations. Dash in, shake a hand, maybe bestow a hug. No one is inclined to commit to a funeral. There are only one or two odd balls in our crew, so that is not it. It seems there is just no love of familly anymore. And not just MY family, but heaven knows, my family is guilty. In our family, some have moved away, but that is not the entire story here. In MY family, when the older "anchors" for whom we had such respect passed on, it all started disintegrating. No answers as to the lack of respect & love among the rest of us. I feel that this lack of cohesion is families is probably a CONTRIBUTING factor in this country going to hell in a handbasket.
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