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I was a bad kid...not a druggie or a thug....I was just messed up as a young person. Horrible grades, some petty crimes, a couple of nights in the county lockup at 18, and a whole lot of emotional issues. Barely got through high school and the aunts and uncles and cousins (all very "respectable") shook their head at me. I don't blame them. I was a walking disaster in my teens up till around 21-22.
My mom would talk though, about her messed up kid, looking for advice maybe, dad too somewhat. Little positive to report about me to them in those days.
However, now its 30-35 years later, and I improved. Two college degrees, high school teacher, family of my own......and yet everyone is still guarded. My wedding? No one from my extended family came. And I would invite them to ball games or outings......no go. Rain check, but they never cashed it in.
So one day a few years back, I put it to the test. I rented a cabin at a state park with my family no more than one or two miles from where the cousins and the aunt lived. On New Years Eve! I would have stayed there anyway because I knew it as a kid. Took the family there. gave no warning, but then called them and said "hey we got a big spread and lots of room and a fire going, and i know it's last minute, why not drive down the street and say hi and happy new year." All said no, all were busy at home.
A mile or two down the road, and they couldn't make the trip even for a minute or two. We had fun in the cabin but it still smarted.
Seen everyone at funerals lately, same icyness, same cordial small talk. And that's all. I suggest dinner or a ballgame....nothing. Yet to my brother and the other cousins, much more friendliness and invites.
So...despite the changes, am I always to be the 15 year old loser in their eyes? Locking up the jewels and unsure if I'm still a weird kid?
Maybe they're looking at your past, maybe they just don't really know you after all this time... and they have their own social circle. Maybe they just aren't social butterflies.
I have no sketchy past and neither do my cousins, yet still, our family has drifted apart and a sudden invitation would be awkward. We have lost all the older generation that kept us together.... none of us cousins really go out of our way any more to stay in touch. Cordial small talk is all we have in common any more.
In other words, I know there have been other invitations also, but I'm not sure springing yourself on them at the last minute was a good test.
Your test is springing something on them last minute on a day when it's quite possible that they already had plans?
Can't say I blame them for not showing up. What was the point of doing it last minute? Were you really expecting them to drop everything and run to you?
I didn't do this to spring it on anyone. I would have stayed in that cabin with or without their existence. I just also know even if I "had plans" that I would have had no problem driving only a mile to say happy new year and maybe even stay for 5 or 10 minutes. And be glad and excited to see them.
I found out the next day they were all at their homes watching TV and had no plans, btw.
I guess I didn't have an expectation of them popping in, but I was still kinda hoping in the back of my mind.
I didn't do this to spring it on anyone. I would have stayed in that cabin with or without their existence. I just also know even if I "had plans" that I would have had no problem driving only a mile to say happy new year and maybe even stay for 5 or 10 minutes. And be glad and excited to see them.
I found out the next day they were all at their homes watching TV and had no plans, btw.
You DID spring it on them. I don't know why they didn't want to pop over, but not everyone is mentally ready to get up and go be social at a moment's notice. Introverts and non-social people need a lot of warning and preparation time to be ready.
Maybe it's your past, maybe it's your ideas aren't good, maybe it's them. From the examples you've given, there are lots of possible reasons why it might not have worked out. We can't know which is true, from here.
I agree , you sprung it on them and whether they were home relaxing and accepting other visitors or just watching tv is beside the point. They hardly know you and there is no mutual back and forth bonding. Let it go and accept families drift apart or try and drop a line now and again to say hello.
There are a myriad of reasons why you aren't close to your aunt and cousins.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook
You DID spring it on them. I don't know why they didn't want to pop over, but not everyone is mentally ready to get up and go be social at a moment's notice. Introverts and non-social people need a lot of warning and preparation time to be ready.
And this, OP ^. The "test" was a set up for failure.
I likely would not have come out either - I would be all set to stay home, be warm, eat a nice meal, and watch movies in my pajamas with just my husband and dog.
I found out the next day they were all at their homes watching TV and had no plans, btw.
Sounds like a plan to me! If I have plans to stay home on NYE, I'm not going to be very happy when someone calls and expects me to jump to their side at a moment's notice. I'd be pretty ticked off, to be honest.
Renting a cabin over a holiday isn't something that happens spontaneously. You had to have known for some period of time prior. You chose not to give them any warning to "test" them. If that's the way you treat family, I think I can understand why they keep some distance.
You know...it was New Year's Eve. You have folks that throw parties, folks going to parties, and folks who simply will not go out on New Year's Eve, to stay off the roads because "the amateurs are out".
Heck, talk to your parents about it, and get their take on the situation. There might be dynamics you're not aware of, like maybe when you were doing your wild child thing, your parents and their siblings (your aunts and uncles) might've had some angry words or hurt feelings, that you're not aware of.
And plus, like others said, you don't really know these folks anymore. Maybe drop by for a few minutes, "Just to say hi" the next time you're in their neighborhood. If you've ever done anything to them personally, apologize. Heck, maybe drop by with food. Food always seems to smooth the way when dropping in on people. LOL
You know...it was New Year's Eve. You have folks that throw parties, folks going to parties, and folks who simply will not go out on New Year's Eve, to stay off the roads because "the amateurs are out".
Heck, talk to your parents about it, and get their take on the situation. There might be dynamics you're not aware of, like maybe when you were doing your wild child thing, your parents and their siblings (your aunts and uncles) might've had some angry words or hurt feelings, that you're not aware of.
And plus, like others said, you don't really know these folks anymore. Maybe drop by for a few minutes, "Just to say hi" the next time you're in their neighborhood. If you've ever done anything to them personally, apologize. Heck, maybe drop by with food. Food always seems to smooth the way when dropping in on people. LOL
Excellent points.
I also suspect that there is "more to this story". Perhaps, some things that you are not aware of or may have not realized were important at the time.
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