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For the past few years, I have had men make really rude and uncalled for comments about how I look. It is a strange issue that no one else I have spoken to deals with, not even people that are legitimately considered unattractive even by themselves.
I have had men at work (ages 30+) tell me to my face that I am ugly for no reason and completely out of the blue. Last month I had a coworker tell me I am a plain jane. He doesn't shower, comb his hair or clean his ears but he needed to let me know I wasn't attractive for no reason one day. I was nice and pleasant towards him, so his comment came across as an insult. He was very abusive to my work time with his constant chatter and need for attention. If my headphones were on, he would basically tap me on the shoulder to talk. I finally told my manager what he was doing and he was moved to another room.
I have been out to eat and teenage boys will yell I am ugly loud enough so I can hear it as I walk by. I noticed that they did not seem to do that to any of the other women there were plenty with varying looks. Since these are kids, I will give them a pass.
On dating websites, after sifting through the endless emails, there always seems to be the one person asking if I am transgender or just thought he would tell me I am ugly. But, I think that is unfortunately the nature of online dating.
I am legitimately not ugly. I have done some modeling work in the past I am still approached to model for photographers. I am honestly baffled why men are always trying to tell me I am ugly or extremely average for literally no reason. I have told this to some of my friends and my fiance, and they all laugh because it sounds absurd and ridiculous, but this happens to me all the time. As a matter of fact, it only seems to get worse with age.
And not to make this a male vs. female thing, but these comments only come from men. Comments like that have never come from women. I am 35 years old so I am really confused why this is still happening.
They feel threatened by you, or feel you are arrogant and not friendly enough. They know they don't have a chance with you, so are out to prove they don't want you, anyway. They want to "knock you off your high horse" or thinking you are something.
I'm serious. That's the reason.
I have faced some of that in my life. Although don't consider myself beautiful or even very pretty, esp now that I'm over 60, some people did seem to think I was very pretty. I was asked several times to enter beauty contests, got offers for dates from the most eligible guys (I rarely went...I felt inferior to them). Yet...there were times that men were downright mean/rude to me. A stranger once told me when he was passing by "You're ugly." Total stranger. Just passing by. There are few parts of my body/face that some man hasn't criticized. Eyes, chin, abdomen, knees, nose, etc. This sort of behavior may be a mild form of sexual harassment...behavior that acts out deep seated anger and insecurity.
I asked my ex, after we were divorced, why he never complimented me. Not for compliments sake, but you know how you get dressed up to go out? You both make an effort to look nice. The normal thing is for your spouse to acknowledge that you look nice or whatever. He never did. Only criticisms. Anyway, he said he never complimented me because he didn't want me to get a big head. (I read that to mean he felt insecure. Which is astonishing to me, since he was cute and sexy...and sure spread his sexiness around a lot, which partly lead to our divorce.)
(There is also the thing that some men are in the habit of, and think they have a right to, rate women and their appearance. They really do. Or women's behavior.)
Good responses may be:
Have you looked in the mirror lately, yourself?
Well, we can't all be perfect like you. (I've said this a time or two.)
Sniff...sniff. What's that smell? Did you shower today?
Tell someone who gives a sh*t about your opinion.
Miss Manners would probably advise you to do something like say icily, "How kind of you to tell me."
You could always say "Who asked you?"
It would also be interesting, with your example of the teenagers, to walk up to them, look them in the eye and ask, "Were you talking to me?"
It's possible that you have strong, individual facial features, instead of delicate feminine ones, and although photographers may appreciate it, it's not the norm. There is a French phrase "jolie laide" for someone not pretty in the usual sense, but with striking, individual looks.
There is another possibility, though. It's possible that, regardless of your looks, you're careless about your appearance, or unconventional in your look. Which is okay. But if these weird comments bother you, you could consult with friends, if you have any who would be honest, and think about whether you might want to try a different haircut, a different makeup look, or whatever.
I am uncomfortable posting my photos, but I posted two in an album. One is full body and one is of my face. Now you know what I look like.
You may have posted pictures, but no one can see them. Your profile is locked to only friends and there's no way to ask you to be a friend on CD. I was very curious to see what you look like after reading this thread.
Okay, look. It really is a moot point what you look like, honestly. For people, STRANGERS to make rude comments like that is horrible. What the heck is wrong with people??!! There's just no excuse and the reason is because they are subhuman.
There's something about you that attracts attention. Could be you're somewhat exotic looking? Okay I just read it. I need to read this whole thread.
Either way, I hope you shrug off the losers. Maybe have a come-back that shuts them up like: It's the chemo. or... I was conceived in a petri dish. Hmmm... I can't quite find a really good one but you have to say it with a really sad look to make them feel like pond scum - which isn't a giant leap for them.
I work in tech. I am a data scientist. With one person I barely spoke to sat in my office one day and said: "women with large breasts should worry about their ugly faces", literally for no reason. He was accompanied by another coworker. I realize that comment was directed at me because I have large breasts. He was 39 at the time
Nothing prompted that strange comment. I quit the company after 6 months for the toxic environment alone.
With my coworker that was moved last month, he was spending days and hours in useless conversation. He was extremely needy for a man of 33. He steered a morning conversation in a weird direction by saying " I bet pretty people must feel used for their looks like rich people feel used for their money." He continued on and said "I am not talking about average people look you and I because it is obvious we have to have other qualities since the looks aren't there, I am talking about pretty people." The comment he made was unwarranted. Nope, I wasn't showing him pictures, he steered our conversation in that direction. So I told my manager and she moved him.
Yes I am of Asian descent.
As I suspected, nobody called you ugly.
I can even see that without you posting the full conversation. AGAIN.
You could write a dissertation on your issue. But if you come to a random site and post a story that is all about looks, something that only the visual can put in perspective to the random person, and don't post a picture, then in my opinion there's nothing to really be said by strangers here.
I hate posting photos like this because all this does is open up my account to attacks. I am not asking anyone if I am attractive or not. I am simply trying to understand why men that OI work with or strangers feel the need to insult me. I don't think there is anything about y appearance that warrants it, but there must be something that invokes a strong response in people and I just want to know what it is.
Last edited by jabber_wocky; 02-18-2018 at 10:06 PM..
I can even see that without you posting the full conversation. AGAIN.
The guy sitting in my office saying women with large breasts should worry about their ugly faces was talking about me. There was no denying that. We weren't even talking about ugly women with large breasts. I knew exactly what he meant.
The comments by this guy as you present them read to me as if he knew he himself was no prize. Yes, he lumped you in with himself in "average people" – but how do you hear these particular statements as saying you are ugly? At worst, he called you average and not pretty – though not directly. Which would hurt enough, of course, if you're predisposed to hearing such comments.
There's no doubt that you were irritated by him for other reasons previously ("useless conversation"), you felt he was dirty and unkempt, he would tap on your shoulder to get your attention when you were wearing headphones (to ignore him). I'm sure he was very irritating. But don't you think your dislike could have been telegraphed to him despite your being "nice and pleasant" to him?
I would not legitimize anyone's negative appearance comments towards you or anyone else, but in this case, it seems a stretch that this guy in particular was meaning what he said to you in a purely negative – personal – way. He mostly sounds socially inept. But your perception put him into the basket of "men who call me ugly."
He was someone that while at work was making comments about my appearance when it was unwarranted. Why does anyone need to hear they are unattractive at work? No one else in the office was told someone like that. I put him in the basket of men that make rude comments about how I look when no one asked them for that opinion. And yes, he does not shower, clean his ear or brush his teeth. You can turn around and see wax in his ears. His hair wasn't even combed-it looked as if he rolled out of bed and came to work. My headphones were on because I needed to work and had trouble concentrating. I had projects that I needed to work on that had tight deadlines. Regardless of what he meant, it was rude and inappropriate.
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