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I've read a few things online that talk about how mother daughter relationships can change after a new grandchild, I just don't know how to handle it. We got into a major argument tonight and not sure what to do. My husband and I adopted a two year old child (international) this past June 2017. He has been home less than a year, so we are both new parents and my mom's first grandchild. Before the adoption was final we took classes and spoke with our social worker several times about attachment and bonding. Sometimes it can take years for this to happen between parent and child.
My parents live out of state and we have traveled there several times with our son to visit.During the week, my mom will call and will ask me lots of questions about our son, and I'm happy to answer. It does get annoying when my son may be crying in the background and she asks, "why is he crying??" what's wrong with him?" She does the same thing when we go to her house. My husband, son and I will be in the guest room and if he starts crying or whining, she will run to the room and find out what's going on. Also, if I ask my husband a question about our son, she will tell me to not ask or say, "Why are you asking him that?"
I let her give my son a bath this weekend and as I passed by the bathroom, I peeked my head in to see what he was doing. My mom gives me some sarcastic comment about how I'm needing to see whats going on. She feels that I didn't trust her, etc.. Whenever I ask a question, she tells me to "calm down" as if I'm being annoying and I don't need to ask or talk. Is this normal? I feel it's kind of controlling in some way. I'm a new mom and care about my son. I have let her babysit multiple times so it's not about trust, but I feel like I can't talk or say anything lately without some smart remark from her.
For the most part her and my dad were good parents. My Dad recently passed away in January. My mom has always had a manipulative streak about her, as she is like this with my sister as well. I just wondered if others experienced change with their parents when new kids come into the family. Maybe control issues or trying to belittle their thoughts or ideas.
My grandkids are step grandkids...so maybe it's different...
Neither of my boys are married, or have kids of their own. But I've often wondered what I'd be like as a grandparent to my offspring's kids. There's a part of me that often thinks "I'd do it different. I wouldn't make the same mistakes I made as a parent."
And then I have to remind myself that I don't get to do a parental do-over. I'd be a grandma...not the mom.
I think a lot of us want a do-over. It's not our place. I know that. But sometimes I think that's the motivation for the overbearing inlaws.
For the most part her and my dad were good parents. My Dad recently passed away in January. My mom has always had a manipulative streak about her, as she is like this with my sister as well. I just wondered if others experienced change with their parents when new kids come into the family. Maybe control issues or trying to belittle their thoughts or ideas.
I did not notice a change in my parents. And, my husband did not notice a change in his parents.
I wonder if Mom is the same way that she has always been (manipulative, controlling, belittling you) and you just notice it more now that you have a child (and may be a little more insecure about your knowledge and skills as a parent). Having a new child would be a good time to start "fighting back" and setting up boundaries. Perhaps discuss this with sister and you can both work on it.
However, I may wait a little bit as Mom is probably still in active grieving over the death of her spouse and her behavior may "settle down" in a few weeks or months.
Goodness your mother just lost her husband in January. I don't want to make excuses for her because I think you have a problem and may need to start setting boundaries and learn to assert yourself, but her previous personality may be compounded by grief and all these changes now due to a grandchild.
Perhaps you can have some stock responses that your repeat over and over when she asks questions. For example when she asks why is he crying instead of answering just say, Mum don't worry about it, I have this or He's fine, just doing what babies do, I've got this.
Stop answering questions and turn it around and ask her questions. As for the sarcasm, state it, state "no need for sarcasm. when she says "calm down" just look at her and raise your eyebrow and say NOTHING or tell her to back off. Telling someone to calm down can be patronizing and makes people defensive, the key is not to be defensive and put the hot potato back in their lap somehow.
Goodness your mother just lost her husband in January. I don't want to make excuses for her because I think you have a problem and may need to start setting boundaries and learn to assert yourself, but her previous personality may be compounded by grief and all these changes now due to a grandchild.
Perhaps you can have some stock responses that your repeat over and over when she asks questions. For example when she asks why is he crying instead of answering just say, Mum don't worry about it, I have this or He's fine, just doing what babies do, I've got this.
Stop answering questions and turn it around and ask her questions. As for the sarcasm, state it, state "no need for sarcasm. when she says "calm down" just look at her and raise your eyebrow and say NOTHING or tell her to back off. Telling someone to calm down can be patronizing and makes people defensive, the key is not to be defensive and put the hot potato back in their lap somehow.
* As a side note, my parents were divorced for 18 years when my dad died. My mom has been remarried for many years now. Not saying she wasn't sad when my father died, but they were not close after the divorce.
Yes, I agree with what you said and may try some of these tactics even though I'm sure I have in the past.
I've read a few things online that talk about how mother daughter relationships can change after a new grandchild, I just don't know how to handle it. We got into a major argument tonight and not sure what to do. My husband and I adopted a two year old child (international) this past June 2017. He has been home less than a year, so we are both new parents and my mom's first grandchild. Before the adoption was final we took classes and spoke with our social worker several times about attachment and bonding. Sometimes it can take years for this to happen between parent and child.
My parents live out of state and we have traveled there several times with our son to visit.During the week, my mom will call and will ask me lots of questions about our son, and I'm happy to answer. It does get annoying when my son may be crying in the background and she asks, "why is he crying??" what's wrong with him?" She does the same thing when we go to her house. My husband, son and I will be in the guest room and if he starts crying or whining, she will run to the room and find out what's going on. Also, if I ask my husband a question about our son, she will tell me to not ask or say, "Why are you asking him that?"
I let her give my son a bath this weekend and as I passed by the bathroom, I peeked my head in to see what he was doing. My mom gives me some sarcastic comment about how I'm needing to see whats going on. She feels that I didn't trust her, etc.. Whenever I ask a question, she tells me to "calm down" as if I'm being annoying and I don't need to ask or talk. Is this normal? I feel it's kind of controlling in some way. I'm a new mom and care about my son. I have let her babysit multiple times so it's not about trust, but I feel like I can't talk or say anything lately without some smart remark from her.
Well, I can't speak to the smart alec comments, but the crying thing would drive me crazy too. When my son cried, I literally ran. I simply could not NOT do that. If for some reason I couldn't get him to stop crying, I'd get so upset I was practically in tears myself. The sound of a crying baby (or toddler) to this day makes me look to make sure someone is at least trying to comfort the baby. When I hear crying and see a parent ignoring it, I have to leave the area - I'm not saying these are bad parents, but it goes against every instinct I have not to comfort a crying baby. So I don't blame your mom for that, even if it annoys you.
* As a side note, my parents were divorced for 18 years when my dad died. My mom has been remarried for many years now. Not saying she wasn't sad when my father died, but they were not close after the divorce.
Yes, I agree with what you said and may try some of these tactics even though I'm sure I have in the past.
I once told someone who told me to calm down “let’s not play that game” and got on with what I needed to do. In another case I said, “no, my response is perfectly normal and expected.”
Hope you find some ways to deal with this , all the best
Well, I can't speak to the smart alec comments, but the crying thing would drive me crazy too. When my son cried, I literally ran. I simply could not NOT do that. If for some reason I couldn't get him to stop crying, I'd get so upset I was practically in tears myself. The sound of a crying baby (or toddler) to this day makes me look to make sure someone is at least trying to comfort the baby. When I hear crying and see a parent ignoring it, I have to leave the area - I'm not saying these are bad parents, but it goes against every instinct I have not to comfort a crying baby. So I don't blame your mom for that, even if it annoys you.
IMHO, there is crying (maybe a little whimper while a child is sleeping or a couple of seconds of soft crying when they are self comforting themselves) and there is actual CRYING (when the child needs something).
I have seen parents pick up and comfort babies/toddlers so quickly that the child never learns how to go back to sleep while they are half-awake in the middle of the night or how to self-comfort themselves.
Unless you are there, or the OP gives more details it is hard to know what type of crying she is talking about.
BTW, I am a mother of two, grandmother of two, have a Master's degree in Early Childhood Development, taught parenting classes and was an Early Childhood Special Needs Teacher (including Birth to Three Year Olds) for decades so don't just assume that I am a crazy, unfeeling witch who hates children.
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