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Old 03-13-2018, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,983,075 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
I should add I've also seen friendships "circle back" when the kids get a little older and less needful of 24/7 attention.
I agree. In fact, one of my best friends now is a woman that I sort of lost touch with when our children were little and we were very busy, but when our kids left for college we reconnected.

Hubby and I have another good friend, who is child-free, and it was pretty difficult to get together when our children needed babysitters but when they were older we saw each other much more often.
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Old 03-13-2018, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,090 posts, read 83,946,203 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by candalf View Post
My wife and I are in mid -to-late 30's. We are rather firm about not wanting to have kids of our own. Neither of us has that parenting instinct that seems to take over most "normal" people.

In the last couple of years more and more of our friends are starting to have babies. They have been good friends, for years, and have meant a lot to us. Our worlds were intertwined with theirs to a larger degree I am comfortable with acknowledging. However, I cannot even begin to understand the thought process that one goes through when deciding to have their own children.I know that sounds strange to most, but it's just not a part of my DNA.

Anyways, I know folks like that are out there so this is addressed to them. In your experience, is it worth making an effort to preserve friendships with new parents? Or is that a lost battle that should just be ceded in advance, as painful as it may sound?

Input by those, who are childless by choice, would be much appreciated. It is starting to feel a bit lonely.I would appreciate your stories about navigating that point in your life when most of humanity took that parenting fork in the road.

(As a disclaimer, I shun away from the term "childfree" because it seems to equate to "child hater" (judging by the content of childfree forums). It is part of my core values to not hate any class of beings. We even sincerely find children adorable, at least after 2 years of age or so. I just feel zero attraction to the path of parenthood and, frankly, do not feel that we have either emotional or economic resources to walk that path well in this world we find ourselves in.)
Glad to hear you say that. My own daughter will not and should not have any children; however, at times in the past she was so disparaging toward children that I pointed out that she would not speak that way about any other group of people, so she might want to think about why she feels so negatively about kids. She's an only child, which might have something to do with it. I am one of seven and can block out a lot that seems to upset other people.

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to your question. It depends on the people. Naturally people are going to focus on their children, and when people have children, that takes priority in their lives, or it should.

If they are people who then gravitate toward the lifestyle and activities that are mostly centered around other people with children; say, heavy involvement in sports, for example, no, they will likely no longer have anything in common with you.

But if they are not so inclined, you most certainly could continue a friendship. I have friends who have no children even though I am a mother. I just never had the picture-perfect standard American family life, so I didn't fit in with those who had that life, either. Again, it depends upon your friends and the lives they choose.
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Old 03-13-2018, 02:27 PM
 
313 posts, read 252,366 times
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I'm 39 and most of my friends my age have children. I have chosen not to have kids for many reasons. I have found that although I remain friends with folks when they start having babies, we don't hang out as much or ever. I don't particularly enjoy going to kid friendly events, so I usually don't tag along. Most of my friends that I see regularly are either older than me, empty-nesters, or younger than me, and still haven't had children. I enjoy my friends and we enjoy spending time doing things together as adults only.
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Old 03-13-2018, 02:32 PM
 
10,599 posts, read 17,806,230 times
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Yes.

Once you have a child your life is never ever the same.

If you wanted kids and couldn't have them, it would be different because you would have perhaps been chosen to be Godparents or what not, and would enjoy hanging out with the kids.

Find like minded people now, life has changed.

Even though I had a child, NOTHING would appeal to me less than hanging out with other people and their babies NOW.
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Old 03-13-2018, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
24,204 posts, read 19,048,381 times
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Normally I would say with some understanding and give and take on both sides, friendships can be maintained, even if the non-parents have to give a bit more in the beginning when parenting is so all encompassing.

But honestly, the quoted makes me think in this particular case, there may just be too much of a difference here. It's one thing to be happily and voluntarily child free (and no, I do not believe that means people hate kids, not in the least). I get why some people feel their lives work better as non-parents. But to "not even begin to understand the thought process" that makes people decide to have kids is too deep a chasm in my opinion. If you want people to understand your choice to not be a parent, then you need to have some understand of why they made a different choice. Being a parent is integral to the being of most parents -
they feel that who they are as people is forever changed. Not that they don't still have the interests and feelings they had before, but they've become someone new and different too. Writing off that difference as something you can't even begin to understand just doesn't begin to fill that chasm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by candalf View Post
However, I cannot even begin to understand the thought process that one goes through when deciding to have their own children.I know that sounds strange to most, but it's just not a part of my DNA.
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Old 03-13-2018, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,099,601 times
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Even before my kids came around (I was 35 when the first one was born), I was totally over the 'going out' 'adult' scene. Snorefest.

So I don't think I am any more or less likely to go out with my friends who have no kids than I was before.

I always preferred evenings at home, eating together, playing games, working out, watching movies, playing sports, going to the park, boating, etc. Those are all things that can be done in the presence of family. The kids don't even have to be actively involved (and many times can be put to bed).

Before I had kids, I would go to my friends' homes (with kids) and we'd just hang like we always did.
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Old 03-13-2018, 02:59 PM
 
244 posts, read 179,592 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
Normally I would say with some understanding and give and take on both sides, friendships can be maintained, even if the non-parents have to give a bit more in the beginning when parenting is so all encompassing.

But honestly, the quoted makes me think in this particular case, there may just be too much of a difference here. It's one thing to be happily and voluntarily child free (and no, I do not believe that means people hate kids, not in the least). I get why some people feel their lives work better as non-parents. But to "not even begin to understand the thought process" that makes people decide to have kids is too deep a chasm in my opinion. If you want people to understand your choice to not be a parent, then you need to have some understand of why they made a different choice. Being a parent is integral to the being of most parents -
they feel that who they are as people is forever changed. Not that they don't still have the interests and feelings they had before, but they've become someone new and different too. Writing off that difference as something you can't even begin to understand just doesn't begin to fill that chasm.
Thank you for this. Probably the most pointed reply so far. You correctly latched on to the sentence that is at the heart of my post.

And that is what I am suspecting: there may be an existential gap with my old circle that may not be bridge-able.

Since my very early childhood I felt I was different. As a young adult I thought I adapted enough to not feel like an odd one out. But moving into the middle age, there is that dreaded other-ness rearing its head again.
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Old 03-13-2018, 03:04 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,066 posts, read 107,021,171 times
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OP, I was able to maintain a friendship with a couple who had kids. The presence of kids didn't make any difference to our interacting; we could still visit with each other, and have long chats, have dinner together, and so forth. The fact that I have had no interest in having kids, myself, was irrelevant.
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Old 03-13-2018, 03:08 PM
 
6,277 posts, read 4,146,966 times
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doesn’t have to be doomed, just recalibrated but you won’t be friends like you used to be. If you can or willing to maintain a new way of being friends then it can work.
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Old 03-13-2018, 03:43 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,639 posts, read 34,129,603 times
Reputation: 76652
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
doesn’t have to be doomed, just recalibrated but you won’t be friends like you used to be. If you can or willing to maintain a new way of being friends then it can work.
One thing that definitely does change is that someone with kids can't be as spontaneous as they might have been in the past. You can't text your friend on Friday at 1pm to see if they want to grab a drink that night.

I have some friends who disappear for a few years when their kids are small, and others who make an effort to still maintain a little bit of "me time" to talk about things other than Doc McStuffins.
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