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Thank you for this. Probably the most pointed reply so far. You correctly latched on to the sentence that is at the heart of my post.
And that is what I am suspecting: there may be an existential gap with my old circle that may not be bridge-able.
Since my very early childhood I felt I was different. As a young adult I thought I adapted enough to not feel like an odd one out. But moving into the middle age, there is that dreaded other-ness rearing its head again.
I do mean what I'm about to say in a friendly manner, I hope it conveys that way.
Try not to hold on too tightly to any notion that your feelings are uniquely unique.
I am a parent, but I stop being friends with people who expect me to do childcare for them (free babysitting services). I have my own kids to care for and even if I didn't, I wouldn't babysit.
My wife and I are in mid -to-late 30's. We are rather firm about not wanting to have kids of our own. Neither of us has that parenting instinct that seems to take over most "normal" people.
In the last couple of years more and more of our friends are starting to have babies. They have been good friends, for years, and have meant a lot to us. Our worlds were intertwined with theirs to a larger degree I am comfortable with acknowledging. However, I cannot even begin to understand the thought process that one goes through when deciding to have their own children.I know that sounds strange to most, but it's just not a part of my DNA.
Anyways, I know folks like that are out there so this is addressed to them. In your experience, is it worth making an effort to preserve friendships with new parents? Or is that a lost battle that should just be ceded in advance, as painful as it may sound?
Input by those, who are childless by choice, would be much appreciated. It is starting to feel a bit lonely.I would appreciate your stories about navigating that point in your life when most of humanity took that parenting fork in the road.
(As a disclaimer, I shun away from the term "childfree" because it seems to equate to "child hater" (judging by the content of childfree forums). It is part of my core values to not hate any class of beings. We even sincerely find children adorable, at least after 2 years of age or so. I just feel zero attraction to the path of parenthood and, frankly, do not feel that we have either emotional or economic resources to walk that path well in this world we find ourselves in.)
You probably have to modify your concept of "friendship" to accommodate them, either by allowing their offspring to be involved, or by reducing the frequency you expect to meet them. This is because time they spend away from their baby becomes a huge burden, since they have to arrange and pay for a babysitter/childcare. Instead of seeing them once a week, maybe you have to go down to once every 2-3 months.
Also expect to give everybody, including the baby, some attention.
I noticed that virtually every friendship I had with people essentially disappeared once they started having kids, and I don't have them. A couple were hanging on by threads where they knew I didn't have a problem with the little ones being part of things, but I often got the either the impression, or outright expression, that they don't talk to me or have me around as often because they just assume I didn't want the kids around either. It's as if there's some kind of expectation that everyone will be on one extreme or the other when kids are involved.
I've been straight up honest with everyone - I love spending _some_ time around the little ones, but I have no desire to have babies and toddlers around 24/7..which is largely why I never had kids of my own, lol. I spent a lot of time with my nephew while he was growing up too, and always enjoyed the "send him home" option
But even still, seems most parents just assume that if we don't have kids, we don't want to have anything at all to do with kids...
First, I want to say that the term childfree does NOT mean child hater. It means that you embrace your decision and do not see your life as having a void for the absence of children (as the term childLESS implies). Rather, you appreciate your life for all of the gains it adds to your life.
Anyway, on the subject of friends....I am 52 and CF and like you, I found my 30s challenging because that's when a lot of my friends started having babies and their lives became completely immersed in everything concerning child rearing. They no longer even had interest in things like current events and they certainly no longer had time to do most of the things we used to do.
At one point, hubby and I were so depressed about it, we decided to stop moping about it and DO something. We formed a social group for childfree folks and we met a lot of new friends. Over time, those friends introduced us to more people and now, I would estimate that 90% of our friends are CF. We no longer run the social group, but some of those people from the early days of that group are close friends to this day.
check out No Kidding to see if there is a chapter near where you live. Also...Meetup.com might have a CF group near you. If there isn't a chapter near you, take the initiative and start one. You will be surprised at how many like-minded people are out there looking for the same thing.
As for your friends with kids, it's still possible to remain friends with them, but it won't be the same until their kids are grown. It's sad, but it's just the way it is.
My best friend is married with 2 kids (2.5 and 6 months). I am single with no kids, as is most of our group.
I adore their kids, even though I want none of my own. I go over once a week and just hang out at their home with them and the kiddos. I will take them to the park with her and other fun places. Now, we don't get a lot of time just her and I and it's hard to plan adult activities as a group, but we adjust. A few weeks ago we all went to a hockey game and it was fun, her mom watched the kids for an evening. We also do a lot of game nights at their home because the toddler can entertain herself and the little one goes down to bed early anyway.
I think because I love the kids and I expect them to need to be involved most of the time, the friendship is just fine. I know I can't text her every Friday night to go out last minuet and that's okay. I have other friends I can easily do that with.
check out No Kidding to see if there is a chapter near where you live. Also...Meetup.com might have a CF group near you. If there isn't a chapter near you, take the initiative and start one. You will be surprised at how many like-minded people are out there looking for the same thing.
As for your friends with kids, it's still possible to remain friends with them, but it won't be the same until their kids are grown. It's sad, but it's just the way it is.
I was going to suggest Meetup too, but you beat me to it. While my friends only got married and didn't have kids (yet), their behavior is almost the same, and the friendship slowed down to a tiny trickle. Meetup has been truly a lifesaver, as far as socializing is concerned. My groups have events multiple times a week, everyone is welcome, and we always have a good time. (Granted, some groups led to genuine friendships, while others are a little more than social calendar fillers.) Events range from mellow movie nights at someone's home, to lively karaokes in bars, to all-day hikes, to booze cruises on Lake Michigan. The very activities that my long-time friends no longer want to partake in.
There are Meetup groups specifically for childfree people in my area, but I attended one and it didn't appeal to me. Plus, it got expensive. They meet for dinner in nice restaurants a few times a month, to talk over a meal, and not much else. I now stick to age-specific and interest-specific groups (like board games). People there don't really care if you have kids or not, because all events are adults only.
I checked out the No Kidding site. Unfortunately, almost all chapters on the coasts; there are none in Chicago.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 03-14-2018 at 08:56 AM..
The friendship is only doomed if you object to being around their children when you hang out with them.
My husband and I don't have kids, and most of my friends do. If we do something with those friends, the kids are often involved. That's how it is.... The children are part of their life now.
This exactly. My husband and I have two couples that are child free and we are best friends with them. It all has to do with their not objecting to the kids being around. We would go for weekend visits, bring the kids and everyone have fun together.
Your friendship is only doomed if you want it that way.
I love my best friend to death, and I adore her sons. In fact, I refer to them as my nephews and treat them as such. But I don't feel like hanging around them all the time. Once in awhile is fine, and sometimes we go places and take them with us. But the one-on-one time with my friend is very important - time for us to talk about intimate things without having to censor ourselves around little ears.
The other issue is...when kids are around, they tend to eat up all the oxygen in the room. They require non-stop attention and they are constantly interrupting. And frankly, they can be pretty annoying, even if you love them.
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